To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

The bit your DH is missing is that it’s not about her being your mum but that she’s also your safe place person. It’s not about which side of the family someone is, it’s about the relationship you have - my safe place people are my sister and best friend (definitely not my mum).

It doesn’t sound like your feelings are based on assumptions about your PIL’s competency either. Your decision is based on their visits after your first!

If your DH can’t understand this, ask him to keep a score on support given as well as access. So if your dad brings a bag of snacks to keep you going, his must do the same etc - that’s the only way it could be truly fair if equal = fair.

First post nailed it!

This sounds ideal - lucky you and lucky them to have such a grown up dynamic.

YANBU.

the key point is your mum supports you not just there for baby cuddles. Your dad tags along. He raised you, changed your nappy and saw you in the bath. You can be vulnerable in a different way with the people who raised you and seen you vulnerable many times before.

a baby is not a commodity to be rationed fairly.

if they have to visit then you go have a nap and dh can bring baby to you for feeds. Don’t feel pressured to host. I did the same and looking back wish I’d stood my ground and said visitors who are not helping are not welcome more than once a week

Tough shit. Daughters need their Mothers, not selfish MILs who just ant to cuddle he baby. Get used to it.

It's completely up to you and he doesn't really get a say. That month is for the baby to bond with its parents and grandparents can bond later. Any visits are for YOU, not them to cuddle the baby. Tell him if he ever has ball or penis surgery then you will insist on your Mother coming round jus as much as his so she can look over him while he recovers. He needs to wind his neck in.

Yes. This.

They might care about the person who gave birth, but they are not their Mother, so they have to accept that they might not be needed. You didn't raise them. If your son has ball surgery you can go and look after him, his wife wouldn't be insisted her Mother look after him to make it equal.

Yes, it's fine to refuse "every man and his dog", but not the grandparents-and there's no reason to penalise someone just because they had a male child. I'd have gone mad at my husband if he'd NOT invited his parents-after witnessing birth, for the first time, he should realise how much he should appreciate his mum and be grateful to her! If I banned his parents, how would I ever expect to have a decent relationship with them, and how would my husband not resent me? It's fine not to have grandparents there all the time, after all, you and your husband made the baby and naturally want to work out how to raise hem yourselves, but this is a time to respect the whole growing family, and certainly not favour one side over the other. Years ago, we didn't realise how men could get badly depressed after the birth of a child-I admit I only thought about the fact they have very little physical pain-but there's been research into how many men can be traumatised, especially if they are worried about losing their wife and child, and having family around can help with that.
Anyway, please don't worry about having only sons-my mum brought me up explaining she'd disown me if I didn't invite my MIL to be to everything, from wedding dress fittings to baby visits. She hated the MIL tropes, saying that no one could be a feminist and have a prejudice against a middle aged woman just because she happened to have a boy-especially against the woman who gave birth to the man they are supposed to love. She also made it clear she expected to be close friends with the in-laws and join the family together, so hopefully your son will marry someone who has a mum like that. Right after a baby's birth is a great time for the families to get closer with each other.
And many people would welcome the in-laws for selfish reasons too-babysitting and not getting kicked out the will, but honestly I'm not that cynical.

I understand you might feel that way, it's only natural. However, support for you aside you have to realise it's his baby as much as yours and he's perfectly entitled to want his family equally involved.

Of course he gets a say.

Marriage is hard work after kids come along. A lack of compromise can build resentment that festers. Next thing you know divorce means losing your kids for 50% of the time.

Far better to meet each other halfway.

People keep claiming that in-laws “didn’t so much as make a cup of tea” etc. Actually, in alot of cases, does this not just point to in-laws not feeling as much as home as the wife’s/female partners family. I would walk into my sisters kitchen & know where everything is & make myself at home & know how to be helpful but not so much in my sister in laws house.

A newborn baby is a joy. Grandparents on both sides will be delighted and it’s natural to want to see baby as soon as possible. Not all new mums are sore and take to their bed. Some new mums and dads can’t wait to show off their new arrival. The newborn stage doesn’t last long. Nice for new parents to have some alone time with baby but nice to show off their new arrival to excited doting family and friends. Enjoy

He sounds ridicoulas, he should be focused on your first son, and supporting you, not keeping time sheets about how long each grandparent, aunt and uncle etc from each side gets to be with the baby.

Abolutely. This should not be a competitive situation between grandparents

Agree entirely
This says it all.
The paternal MIL is doomed from the start

The paternal MIL is doomed from the start

But only in her head. - why does she need to compete? Surely the paternal MIL remembers when she gave birth?

This is a joke, right?

It isn’t an assumption. It’s a fact based in her experience of them when she had her first child. It’s YOU who is making an assumption based on your experience which has nothing to do with the OP.

It frustrates me when people think I’m not letting my in laws see their grandchildren. I’m more than happy for them to visit in the early weeks.. I just don’t believe everything needs to be totally even. My in laws have been coming round at least weekly since my first born arrived.

I would just say they are absolutely welcome in the same way yours are. As help and support for you, not as baby bonding time, as you and your first DC will be doing that. So if your mum cooks dinner and your dad comes, his mum can come and cook dinner and his dad comes. And you can go back to bed with your babies and he can negotiate their cups of tea.

I love my mil, she is incredible and always helped when she came, unlike my DM. I still wanted plenty of our own space. That is just normal. It’s an intimate time and not wanting it full of people you’re not comfortable with is just fine. His attitude about it all is the problem here. It’s a baby, not a timeshare. GP don’t ’bond’ In the first weeks unless they are being really intrusive. It’s for his benefit, no one else’s, and certainly not yours. Ofc his family should get to enjoy the baby but I bet they don’t even want to be there daily. He’s point scoring. For what reason?

Obviously, OP does have a close and loving relationship with her mum. OP isn't saying that there should be an automatic rule where the maternal grandmother is always prioritised after their daughter gives birth, irrespective of their relationship with their daughter and how helpful they are.

OP has confirmed that she tries hard to make her PILs feel included and has them round every week and cooks dinner for them. She also feels, based on her experience with her first child, that during the post-partum period immediately after giving birth she would like to be able to rely on her mum's help without feeling guilty or having to ensure that her PILs have equal time with her and the baby. This isn't going to be a long-term arrangement. I'm sure that once she has recovered from the birth and breastfeeding has been established, she will 'even up' the visiting schedule so her PILs don't feel excluded.

No one is suggesting banning anyone.

This whole thread is about the mother who has just given birth being the person having the right to say how much she can deal with in the first couple of weeks after birth.

in the OPs case she wants her parents particularly mother around to help her often. She hasn’t said the in-laws can’t come around at all. It’s the weird arse husband who seems to think it’s some candy share where everyone gets the same without considering it’s not about the spectators. It’s about a woman in post recovery.

surely if post birth a woman doesn’t get to say how much she can deal with and be respected rather than once again being expected to put her own physical, emotional and mental needs aside for other people then you are basically saying a woman NEVER gets the right to put her needs before other people. Ever. Fucking hell. If even after going through an enormous physical and emotional event a woman is expected to put her needs aside you’ve proven nothing has changed. Woman are nothing more than incubators.

I couldn’t imagine anything work when my tits were engorged and leaking milk through my breast pads , trying to figure out breastfeeding with nipples so fucking raw I would cry everytime they latched on, sleep deprived, weeping with hormonal baby blues, wearing a nappy’s worth of padding and walking like a cowboy with the pain of an episiotomy having to play nice and allow in-laws and willy nilly to come over as much and as often as they wanted to ‘tally up’ with how often my mum was there.

with my mum I could weep and leak and have my tits out with milk running down my wobbly jelly belly with my greasy hair and husbands oldest trackies on without blinking an eyelid. I didn’t feel comfortable doing this with anyone else. And if you are going to suggest I should have felt comfortable like this around my in-laws you are completely unreasonable and again relegating a woman to something whose needs are not valid or to be considered

OP has already said that both sets of parents will be invited to the hospital to meet the baby. Nowhere has she said that she won't allow her in-laws to visit the baby.

This isn't about OP wanting to completely exclude her PILs from visiting and seeing the baby, it's about her wanting her mother to be able to come and help her when she needs it without her DH creating some ridiculous rota to ensure that his parents get equal time.

OP said that she had a really difficult time with breastfeeding her first child, not helped by the house being full of visitors all the time, so she wants to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

Same, cant wait until my kids are adults and im effectively a piece of shit on my kids shoes 🙄😂

Come off it. @curtaintwitcher78 is responding in the way she has because the implication is that OP isn't a fantastic DIL because she doesn't want to make everything absolutely even between her parents and in-laws in the difficult post-partum period based on her previous experience with her first child.