To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

Recovery from birth isn’t a spectator sport, be a loving involved MIL while also remembering and respecting the huge physical and emotional change your DIL will have gone through and don’t make it all about you. Or I guarantee you won’t be invited over as much if you think your desire for cuddles outweighs everything else.

So let’s say that the OPs mum calls in for an hour each morning to help her get washed and change. Then she maybe nips back some afternoons and helps with a tidy up etc. Would the OP’s husband expect the MIL to be invited round twice a day too? And naturally to keep it all fair should she be asked to help with personal care and cleaning too? Or is it just ‘equal minutes with baby’ that count? Maybe the husband needs to keep a spreadsheet with minutes spent doing certain things and then he can be sure everyone has the same quota.

Nowhere has OP said that her husband's family can't visit or see the baby. The has said:

'With my first born I let all 4 grandparents come to the hospital to meet baby at the same time and I will do that again.'

She just wants her mum to be able to visit and provide support while she is recovering from the birth and establishing breastfeeding without having to make the visiting arrangements absolutely equal.

You are not a commodity or a cake to be shared out evenly across the consumers. You're a human being who will have been through a trying, exhausting, emotional experience.
You have every right to seek the support you need for you and the baby and to have more of the people who support you, in yourself, in those first weeks.
Sheesh it's like they think you're for sale or something.

Absolutely!

Exactly. You're not a show that everyone deserves an equal seat at.

And that’s lovely for you. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t want a relationship with them she’s simply saying she wants to see her mum more after the birth. Honestly when a woman has given birth it should be about supporting that woman not about cooing over a baby. Oh and I have three boys too.

Lots of people are missing the point here, and jumping to the conclusion OP hates her inlaws or intends to stop them spending time with their grandchildren. She's talking about the short period of time in the immediate aftermath of giving birth.

During that time, there is a big difference between visitors who are going to actually be helpful, and visitors who are going to need 'hosting'. No matter who it is, the first sort are welcome, the second sort are to be restricted or the non-giving birth partner needs to do the work of hosting them.

YANBU. Your mum would be coming round to support and help you, not to see the baby. Seeing the baby is actually incidental. Your husband needs to understand that and understand that to support you, he needs to support this.

saying her mum can visit for a month but his can’t is again unreasonable?

demanding exact equal time is a bit much but acting like he might not want some support or even adult company while OP is in her mum, gma, breastfeeding bubble is also unfair.

all of this sort of stuff is so unnecessarily hostile and exclusionary. There is a middle ground between a quick hospital visit and then no DH family for months and them coming by every minute.

Or on the entire month will the father not have any involvement in his baby’s care where he can have visitors.

OP doesn’t want visitors that fine then they don’t have to visit her. Demanding he can’t have visitors on his own paternity leave is madness just as completely equal visiting time is also madness.

Nowhere have I said his mum can’t visit for a month. I’ve just said I’d like my mum to be able to visit more if needed to support me. I expect his mum will be round regularly but I don’t want the stress of keeping things perfectly even at all times.

Thanks. That really is it. I have no skin in this game other than feeling bad for OP and how she might feel when someone basically says "Well I can't help with that but MY situation was wonderful, I'm wonderful, so much so my DIL has invited me to live with her, and you're wrong, unlike my amazing DILs." Yes, she was just 'sharing her story' but for what reason? To show OP what she's missing? To make her change her mind? OP isn't a monster. She will have ALL grandparents over to see the new baby at the hospital, and also to visit. She has a good relationship with her in-laws and has them over to dinner once a week. She just doesn't want or need them around as much as she needs her own mother when she's feeling sore and weepy and tired and crap. The implied criticism of OP is there in that smug post. It really is. And the 'like' reacts to my comment show that you and others can see it.

I would be exactly the same. It’s ridiculous. Do you think your hubbie is getting pressure from his parents about this? Or is it all coming from him? Id just shut it down and say that’s not a priority for you. Maybe he could invite his parents over & they can look after the baby while you go and have a sleep & shower, but if you’re anything like me I didn’t actually want to be apart from my baby, atleast for the first few weeks.

My in-laws were amazing when we had both kids. They cooked meals for us for about 3 months, brought them round everyday & dropped on the doorstep, did everything they could to support us with our toddler when our second was born. I’m probably actually closer to them and spend more time with them overall, but if I needed actual care and support for me personally during this time, I would definitely choose my mum. She came to help at the hospital the day our second child was born while my husband returned to our toddler, and I was vomiting everywhere after a c section. I could sit there with my boobs out, crying, and just being myself if needed. She’s seen me warts and all. There is nothing like the relationship between a mother and a daughter. And it’s just one of those situations where men actually don’t monopolise and have to take a step back. I think that’s why so many men find it so hard to adjust, and also its one of the things that they don’t have any control over. This isn’t a dig at your DH, it’s just the way it is in our culture. In other cultures, all the women in the family spend 4 months doing everything for the new mum so that she can just focus on feeding & nurturing the baby. It’s very different in the western world. New Mums seem to just be discarded once the babies arrive and it’s all about the baby, when actually the new mums are the ones that need looking after more. The babies will always be looked after and loved!!

As a mum of only boys I find threads like this so depressing

I find it depressing that some grown women can’t consider their future DILs health and well-being as if they’re just mere vessels only to give you grandchildren and then all shocked when they don’t want them to be around.

Women remember how they’re treated during pregnancy, labour, and after giving birth.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t put the feelings of the one who gave birth going through a massive change before your own, especially knowing that it isn’t easy no matter the kind of birth you had and the first month is rough. Why would you want to put more stress on someone? You wouldn’t do that to any other person that has been in the hospital, yet mothers don’t get the same consideration.

If you have a relationship where she is comfortable with you seeing her bleeding, tired, and whatnot then you likely won’t have to worry about her being uncomfortable around you and will have you around to support her.

If you’re the one who just wants to hold the baby and nothing else, then rightly you’re not going to be that welcomed.

We grow and birth these babies over a long period of time and trying to get into the flow and routine afterwards can be tough. I would happily have my mum round as much as possible, and sit topless trying to establish breastfeeding whilst also recovering from an emergency c section. Your mum is your mum and of course you should have her around.

Your in laws are just as important in the babies life, however for now, your parents are more important at the start, as they are also there for you.

I agree with this. I don't barge into someone else's house and go through their cupboards and faff with their electronics because I respect boundaries. I would hate someone doing that in my house too.

MILs get a really hard time on Mumsnet. Even when you post something positive, like I did, you get nasty comments.

Some people have read my post and made their own assumptions. I had no intention of shaming the OP but there you go, MILs can’t do anything right on Mumsnet. Luckily this is not the real world.

The level of reading comprehension or in fact the ability to read the OP's posts at all, is something else on this thread

The OP;s inlaws will meet the baby. They will be invited round.

There will NOT be a spreadsheet ensuring the time is equal because often when a woman has a baby she wants her mum more.

And sadly, most mothers of sons will have to accept that ( I have both and that's how it's worked for me)

It doesn't mean your DiL hates you and it doesn't mean you won't have a relationship with your DGC

And the OP;s husband needs to understand this.. It's not his decision to make

I would focus on what the in-laws could do for you rather than what they cannot. As you have another child to consider this time around, and making sure they also feel 'seen', could you take time recovering with the support of your parents, and your other half, along with his parents, focus their time and energy on making sure child number 1 is getting some time and attention away from the baby. Perhaps a sleepover or a few days out or a weekend visit. It gives you time to bond with the baby, your eldest gets some time spent on them, so they are not left out, and all parents have an active role in your family, going from 3 to 4. I think if this situation is managed in a way that your in-laws feel seen, wanted, and needed rather than an inconvenience, everyone will be able to enjoy this time.

Tell your DH it's not about who is seeing the baby,
It's who is able to be a helper and a worker that you're comfortable having your tits out in front of.

Ask him if he had penis or anus surgery and couldn't wear underwear so he was in pain and his bits were out, would he want his mother in law in the house.

The time her body had been broken open to bring new life into the world and she needs to recover is the time she is allowed to be selfish

Also op
You could agree some ground rules for visitors eg front room only, he makes all the tea and all the tidies up? He tell them
When to go? You take baby upstairs to feed and nap whenever you want?

I agree with you.

The post you quoted talked about men getting depression after their wives give birth, what about women getting postnatal depression because she's vulnerable, in pain and being told by her husband (who should be her biggest support) that he doesn't care how she feels, her needs don't matter, she's just there to give birth and host people so they can enjoy the baby.

I'm pregnant with my first and pregnancy can be really hard, physically and emotionally. If any woman went through this for me, I would prioritise what she needed above anyone else.

When my sisters give birth my main priority is supporting them, not seeing the baby. I would happily clean, cook, go shopping, even cleaning up blood etc wouldn't bother me at all. I think if you don't feel like that towards a new mother, you shouldn't expect to see her after she's given birth.

Twisting her words. OP has said multiple times both sets of grandparents will see the babies it just she would like her mum to support her a bit more straight after. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Some of the mils on here are the reason you often get a bad rep. Literally just thinking about yourselves. The woman's given birth and should have few days to be comfortable.

And what about OP? You're talking endlessly about the baby like she's a fucking incubator, not a human woman with thoughts, feelings and someone who'll have the usual hormones and post-birth recovery.

Say you feel the shittest you've ever felt, there's not a single private part of you that isn't hurting. You want your FIL around while you're suffering that?

FFS. This isn't Gilead. I hope you never get grandchildren if this is how you plan on treating your future DILs.