To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

If you had a daughter I think you'd feel differently.

Well sure, because then she wouldn’t be treated like a second class citizen when it comes to visiting her new grandchild.

And other posters are right in that the woman's mum's main priority is looking after her daughter who has just given birth whereas the other side want to see the baby.

Except they aren’t. Not always. And sweeping statements like that only propagate this idea which leads new mum’s to keep their parents in law away without even giving them a chance to show otherwise.

@AngeloMysteriosoI understand. I was describing my own situation which I assume is similar to the OPs. Everyone’s is different and that’s ok, it’s not always fair but it’s life. For what it’s worth, my children love and spend time with both nannies equally… but for me, I love my MIL but it’s not the same as my mum. Shes my special person. My MIL understands and honestly wouldn’t want it to be different and definitely wasn’t/ isn’t like the MIL you describe.

It’s not her husband’s perineum or nipples though, is it. I’m sure if he was laid up in bed with stitches in his arse there would be little expectation he’d have to traipse down to make small talk with his MIL to keep it ‘fair’

I think people on this thread are forgetting that while you’re looking after your baby, your mum is looking after hers! Of course you want the love and support of your mum during these early days, it’s only natural and nothing to do with his parents tbh

I think you say did you know some men are really focussed on supporting their wife who’s just had a baby? You’re far too busy being pissy about how much I’m looking after your parents and I won’t do this a second time. The kids and I will pack a bag and go stay with mum and dad for a few days every couple of weeks through my mat leave if I’m not getting supported at home, this time around I am going to look after me and not let you stomp all over how I feel.

I think the difference is that your mum is there for you whereas others are pretty much there for the baby.

I wasn’t at all unpleasant to the OP, I just told my story. I didn’t personally attack her, like you are doing with me. Goodnight.

I can't believe you meekly entertained this as much as you already have. He's not your line manager, he doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time. Furthermore he's a father and needs to cop on to his responsibilities. The baby will want time with Mum. He needs to support his family, which is you and the kids.

Personally I put the in laws to work making a fuss of the toddler when I had DC2 but the point isn't that lots of people on here did things differently or had crap mums and great in laws, it's that you need to feel relaxed and in control of the traffic flow through your home for the first month and you've clearly stated this. He doesn't need to begrudge you this at a time when he should be celebrating you.

What equality?
She was pregnant for 9 months.
She risked her life to birth a baby.
She will need a minimum of 9 months to get back to old self as she will feed and care forthe baby 24/7.
She lost money and pension on maternity leave.

So like... if dad after 2 years and paying all money she lost wants things to be equal...
She can give it a thought and weight his oppinion in 20/80 ratio bcs he still has not gone through shit she had.
He successfully inserted penis once.

But there is nothing to show otherwise about. If the mum doesn’t want ANYONE ELSE all up in her personal space after birth that’s her right and it’s not FOR ANYONE ELSE to try to show her otherwise

He sounds ridicoulas, he should be focused on your first son, and supporting you, not keeping time sheets about how long each grandparent, aunt and uncle etc from each side gets to be with the baby.

You need to tell him clearly that you and your newborn are not entertainment for his family and friends.

What nonsense he's spouting. You (you + baby) are not an attraction that people get to visit. It's not about how often people get to see your child, he needs to totally shift his perspective. It's about how much help you need from other people.

They're not visitors, they're helpers, at this early stage, or at least your mum is and that's why she is coming round. And since you're the one that needs the help and support it's up to you to say what support you need and from whom.

I would be telling him that when he pushed something the size of a large watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon, ending up with tears, stitches etc then he gets to say who comes to see him and for how long

until then he shuts up, you want your mum, and if that means your dad also comes then that’s what is going to happen especially whilst you navigate breastfeeding, lack of sleep and a toddler.

If he and his parents don’t like it tough. I would also be telling him that when they do come he is providing drinks, food and running round after them

Why? I’m a mum of boys and I entirely understand why my DS’s GF would want her own family round much more than us when she’s just given birth. DH did not understand when I said it was difficult having PIL round after birth - but after a rather graphic reminder of bleeding, and recovery after a second degree tear, leaking boobs and crashing hormones in day 3, he got there.

I am 1000% with you on this! After my 1st we had so many of DH’s family visiting which I didn’t mind at first but then it all got too much. There was no help offered when they would visit and I just felt like I had to entertain them even though they probably didn’t see it like that I did and it completely drained me! All I wanted was my mum. I just had DC2 last week and mum has stayed with us and it has been amazing!! We have had 1 visit from DH’s mum which was also lovely however when you’ve just given birth / BF (which has been so painful for me both times in the beginning) / all the post pregnancy hormones and emotions running wild it’s completely natural to just want your mum and I wouldn’t let him guilt you into anything different Xx

Just see more of your family if you want and don’t ask or negotiate. My mum knew that she would be less involved with my brothers’ children in the early days. A birth, and the days and weeks after are huge for a woman and she is entitled to have her relatives around her to nurture her. In many other countries this would be perfectly normal but we seem to have this odd idea in the UK that a father has the same role as a mother. He doesn’t, and the early weeks are a time when his role and that of his family is in the background more. There are years to ‘even it up’. He’s not thinking of what you need.

Of course it’s unkind to say your husbands family can’t visit with him and the baby for a month.

not even his parents for 15 minutes? I don’t think it needs to be any longer than that frankly. I think if you’re not up for it then fine but telling DH he can’t have visitors during his paternity leave?

He sounds bonkers.
So do PP who consider the situation to be about a right to see the baby. No. Its about supporting the mother and its the mother who decides whom she wants to be supported by.

Do you think your husband has autism / adhd as that’s what I thought when I read your post, the sense of perceived ‘justice / fairness’ in splitting the time between visitors. Recommend you ask partner to address this rather than placating / facilitating this nonsense. As long as both family are welcome to visit at reasonable levels it’s fine, you don’t need to ‘manage’ this you have enough to do.

When my kids have kids, and 3 of them are men, I plan on being exactly the same kind of MIL/Gma as my own MIL was. IE turn up with food, do the laundry, take the older kids out for some fresh air and help my DILs out as much as I can. And if that means backing off the baby. not staying too long and realizing myself when the new parents need space then GOOD! That's exactly what new Grandma's are supposed to, regardless of which Mum it is.

That said, I had an uncontrollable urge with all my children to have everyone over in the first few weeks so I could show the baby off. Random stranger on the street who happened to coo as I walked past? Come on in! I think I'm just too much of a show off 😂

Do these relatives even want to visit the baby all the time? Does his dad actually want to see the baby frequently or is he just inviting him?

Your husband is very weird about needing everything to be equal. Very odd mindset. But I also think talking about not wanting his family to visit a bit off aswell. I'm not saying you're necessarily wrong, but just that the whole set up in this discussion is weird.

What would happen if everyone was chill and just went with the flow?

The difference is her mum helps her not just cuddles the baby perhaps his family should help out more

Yanbu. Bitching about who came to visit during your DH’s paternity leave is a bit much though. Does it matter if he enjoyed that time?

A midwife advised me to put a note on the front door

"Mother and baby asleep please do not knock"

I advised my DILs to do the same.

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