To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

Of course you’re not being selfish or weird. You sound mindful of wanting your ILs to see the new baby, you just want support for yourself too.

I had a traumatic birth and a truly terrible time BF - I wanted my mum there to support me, help me shower, drive me to hospital appointments. I was feeling very physically and emotionally vulnerable and all round having a tough time. I just don’t have that relationship with my ILs, well as I get on with them.

Your DH’s insistence on absolutely equal visiting times seems petty on the face of it - is he going to time the visits??

You seem to be merging seeing you and seeing the baby into one.

As a mother of daughters, so do I!

He’s pathetic . I had my mum stay over for a month and when PIL visited my mum made sure I rested and that everyone helps themselves. My dh was completely on board with this as whatever suited ME was what happened. I gave birth and needed to recover and there was no way I’m hosting anyone.

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Well yes, for the first month after birth they are pretty much the same thing.

Before I had my baby, I was genuinely really stressed about everyone visiting (especially seeing as my family is tiny and DH’s family is enormous) but we were just really clear with our expectations (all visitors bring us lunch; if I’m getting my boobs out can you go and do something in the kitchen; etc) and actually everyone was fine - I really didn’t need to stress as much as I did.

With regards to your situation, OP, while the tallying is absolutely ridiculous, maybe your DH just needs to feel like you recognise that his family are important to him? I completely understand your reasons for needing your mum and you have every right to have that support. But maybe he’s being petty because he only hears negativity and is genuinely worried about his family being pushed out? It could be worth talking to him and saying something like, “This is the support I need from my mum. What support would you like from yours? When my dad is here he’ll be doing this to help me. When your dad is here what will he be doing to help you?” It might help to get him to see it more in terms of how they can be of equal benefit to you as a family, not equal minutes with the baby.

But the in-laws are not being treated like second class citizens. After having a vagina torn, breasts out and struggling to breastfeed as well as struggling to just get up out of bed and function, forgive me for not wanting in-laws to be over. I have no issues with my mum seeing me in that state. If you can't see that you're the one with the issue - clearly putting your needs over the mother.

And I say all of this being the mother of a son. Therefore I get the wanting to see the grandchild etc however it would be my daughter in laws choice when to visit and id have to respect it. What part of that don't you get?

And nowhere did I say all in-laws wouldn't help out and care for the mother but I'm guessing it's a lot who literally just go check on their dear sons and new grandchild. Some women have great relationships with in laws and would have no problem it being equal or even ilthe in-laws being there more than their own parents (as circumstances are different). But on the whole, I stand by if a woman wants her mother there then it's her perogative - and if the mil feels like a second class citizen than tough. So be it.

Its not down to a woman who is recovering and in need of those sacred first days/weeks bonding with their child to have to make others feel valued. Their priority should be recovering; bonding with; and looking after the new addition.

Is your DH this petty and controlling over other aspects of your life? Or just when his wife is post-partum, swollen, sore, and establishing breastfeeding with a newborn?

Your husband is ridiculous and controlling. And has absolutely no respect for you and the ordeal that is pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period. What a fucking man baby he is. Ugh.

I cannot understand how anyone who has ever had a baby could be so harsh in some of these comments. It’s very clear that some people forget that how hard it can be those first few months and how very vulnerable the mother is.
It sounds like you have no plans to exclude but just want your own mums support. That’s perfectly natural and should be supported. Your husband’s views on being equal are just silly. It’s about support for you and for you that’s your mum. Your baby isn’t just there to be handed out to family to be equally shared out (although having visitors is lovely when ready). They need a mum who feels mentally well enough to care for them and you get that support wherever your comfortable. Your baby has a lifetime to build other relationships, their bond with you is the most important those first few months.

This.

Suggest nesting with your husband. Write him a list of everything he needs to do to support you. I’m sure it won’t be long before he wants a break from cooking 3 times a day, doing all the laundry and doing all the shopping. Voila your mum coming over to help doesn’t sound too bad or tell him to pay for a cleaner.

Another suggestion is to tell your DH that his family needs to do support you when they come over. Not sitting around holding the baby.

Also you don’t have to be in the same room as your in-laws when they visit. You can stay upstairs napping, your husband can bring the baby downstairs and you can text him when the baby needs bringing back upstairs. Baby will more than likely be either cluster feeding/napping so won’t be up for socialising. Absolutely don’t allow your in-laws upstairs.

I have a son and if he does have a child I would completely understand mum wanting her own mum to be with her more. Of course I would offer my support to in anyway that I could help. But I would never expect equal share. It’s not the same!

You’re a fine one .

I thought you were, in a very passive aggressive way. Really condescending.

I don’t get how some people on here (and your partner!) don’t seem to understand that you want your mum there for you, not so she can spend more time with the baby. It’s not a competition between grandparents!

He's already said he understands your mum visiting more, it's your dad that's the problem.
You want him to tell his parents they're unwanted and unwelcome, but you aren't willing to do the same to your dad.

You know it's hurtful to say that and likely to cause damage to the relationship, but you don't care when it comes to him and his parents. You're not willing to hurt your dad like you expect him to hurt his parents.

That's a very strange way to look at things and a bit disturbing to be honest

Your mum was there to care for her daughter - you. She was not there to coo at a baby like an exhibit in a zoo. It’s you that goes through pregnancy, birth and establishing breastfeeding. It’s you that needs to heal.

In many cultures around the world the mother goes to stay with her own parents for a month to recover from the birth and be supported and looked after. The DILs don't disturb that time as it's well recognised and appreciated the significance of the 4th trimester.

Yanbu at all. Your mum (and dad) are coming round more frequently to support YOU, not to see the baby. It’s understandable not to want frequent visitors when you’re postpartum but with your own mum it’s different- you don’t worry about looking awful, needing to go for a nap rather than chatting, airing your sore boobs etc etc. and she can get on with doing the washing which includes your dirty knickers. You get the idea, it’s about familiarity and feeling comfortable in meeting YOUR needs as a new mum in these early weeks.

My mother came and stayed 2 or 3 weeks with my first. Had my second 14 months later and she stayed 6 weeks. I remember people wanting to visit and she would say "let them visit the baby while you're upstairs resting." That's what I did. It helped so much as I just wasn't up for visitors, it had nothing to do with not wanting them to see the baby. I had difficult births with both children so entertaining people really wasn't in my best interests. A good time to learn my self-care was important

Oh FFS - surely it's up to the woman who has just given birth to choose who she most wants to see, whether that's her DM, DMIL, her DSis or her gay best friend.. The whole point is that in the early post partum period it should be the mum's choice and in the case of the OP it's her mum that she wants. Nothing wrong with that at all. Her DH should stop being so bloody childish!

I'm a mum of both sexes. I'd be fine with any future Dil wanting her mum and dad after giving birth. I'd love to see baby, asap but understand that sometimes you just want your mum when you've gone through a difficult time.

How will you feel when your DSs wife/partner gives birth 20 years from now and she doesn't want to put up with you?