To find days off with my kids almost unbearable?

[saynn]

Which is horrible but hear me out. They are 4 (5 in October, start school then) and 1 (2 in August.) I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off with them. And I hate it.

I know it’s horrible but it’s the way it’s just impossible to get anything done at all without someone wanting something, whining, falling out, demanding something. I know I need to lower standards but I do find it hard when there’s a mess or something and plus we do need to eat!

I do take them out as much as I can but even that’s getting to be hard work as one is a very slow walker and the other a very speedy runner.

I’m desperately counting the days until my older child starts school as both of them together just about finishes me off.

It's so so hard. You are in a really hard phase.
I have made some changes which make me enjoy it more, these work for me and not saying they are right or wrong:

1. We are screen free 95% of the time. Even though I know I could get lunch ready while they watch bluey or whatever, I found their behaviour in general was so much better if they have no screens at all. It deregulates my kids and it might buy me 30 mins but I've really it's not worth it (appreciate many kids can manage this fine but mine are way less resilient and able to play after tv).
2. Same goes for me. I do my absolute best to not check my phone when with them. I would never sit on my phone for ages but I was always checking emails, replying to a message, ordering something we needed. This causes dopamine spikes that make it harder to switch back to focusing on them. Honestly I thought I wasn't on my phone much but this has helped me so much. I put it in a drawer now.
3. The more I sat with them and played and read etc(ignoring the mess on the floor, laundry, dishes) the better they got at playing by themselves or with eachother. I actually started to enjoy it too.
4. Purely practical but I always made packed lunches the night before whether or not we were going out, just to make it easier.

It gets better.

You are quite allowed to hate it.

I hated it. got both of mine in ft childcare asap. was never a fan of having them at home by myself during the week. but then me and my ex were lucky enough to be able to afford it. i know not everyone can.

thanked my lucky stars once i was able to go back to work!!

Oh this definitely. I had 2 with a 3.5 year age gap. My days off were hell. And yes all the people saying it's only a short time they are so little and I think " well thank heavens for that"

It’s hard work.
I used to grumble about having no time to myself and how draining it can be entertaining them and getting things done that need to be done. Only so much swimming, soft play, feeding the ducks, and watching the trains one person can take.
But I understand the “cherish it” comments too though. As a parent of an adult and older teen you do tend to look back at the early days with fond memories and nostalgia. It’s a bit like the school days are your best days trope, teenage angst was the worst but we all look back and wish we could have the freedom again!

This phase of your life will soon be over, you’ll hopefully survive the tween and teen years and then you’ll be presented with your very own rosy glasses and you can tell all the newer mums to enjoy their time because it’s stupidly short. But whilst you wait for that, there is always wine.

Being a parent is damn hard and we all experience it differently. It’s even harder when doing your best when you’re struggling isn’t good enough and you have to pretend you love all of it all of the time. No wonder postnatal depression is so common.

This is great advice… it’s all about feeling torn.. once you’re all in playing with them a bit and doing stuff more slowly - irritation drops a bit .. hard exhausting age!

small kids are hard work

I don't have 2 but what I found grounding during stressful times was spending 5 minutes the night before planning what one thing was going to go well tomorrow.

Whether that was as simple as not showing my frustration during bath time (which was always a fight), getting dressed (always a fight) or being ready on time (always hard so picked an activity that didn't need that).

I would also pick one activity I hated (like make believe play 🙄) and do it for a specific time e.g. 15 mins BEFORE something more fun.

It gave me a sense of control in the chaos and a focus.

I'm not saying this will help you enjoy it, but having a manageable focus and time limited slots to do things in may help x

Too many children do 12 hour days during the week then at the weekend there is no day "off" because their parents feel the need to take them here there and everywhere.

Because it's so much easier to take them somewhere, that's why!

Kids get bored at home, I get bored at home!

Plus when you are out entertaining them all day, no guilt for letting them play independently for 1 hour or 2 while you get on with other things. And they get tired and sleep better.

The best time with my kids that young were to take them away on holiday. It's so much easier when there are so many different things to do and explore. I can't think of anything worst than staying home with kids all day. Of course they'll fight and make a mess then

It's really difficult. I find it very stressful at weekends trying to keep dc entertained while trying to tidy the house. It feels like im constantly cleaning and tidying because it keeps getting wrecked. Add to that preparing meals, drinks, outings. It's exhausting. You don't get any break. I hear that it does get easier as they get older and I know I will miss them being little but it is hard. I find being at work a holiday compared to being at home with dc!

See mine are all adults now and I DONT look back at their younger days with find memories.

The fun but started when they were teenagers. Found that much more enjoyable and interesting

I don't know why people are being mean!
Mine are 4 and 2 and after a weekend solo parenting while my husband was away I almost wrote this exact post!

I think my tips are:

• lower standards (cleaning, healthy eating, TV etc)
• go outside more (park, garden if you have one). Particularly I like eating outside as then I don't have to clean up.
• see other people (book in play dates with friends with similar aged kids, see family etc)

You already work part-time, is it such a big deal?

I know MN hate them, but soft plays with different age children are perfect because they have zones for different age. During school hours you don't have the bigger kids there either.

Yearly membership to one of these attraction parks with big playgrounds, again different zones are great for days when the weather is nice.

There's loads to do. Where I live, playgroups are for pre-school children however, so a 4 year old would be absolutely fine, it's a shame they only take toddlers where you are.

I don't find this at all. DD needs time to just play by herself at home after her nursery days, and she loves it. If I try to "force" activities or days out or whatever, we end up stressed and miserable.

Some of our best days are Fridays, just us, might walk to the park with the dog but mostly she just plays in the garden or with her dolls/fairies, entertaining herself. Sometimes she might want to watch Paw Patrol or Bluey or Tinkerbell, or play the Lego game on her tablet.

Give her that on a Friday and we can do whatever we fancy on a weekend, whether it's chilled downtime or days out.

Kids need downtime too. They need boredom.

This!

There is no way I could leave my 19 mo for two minutes without her doing something that would cause her harm unless she is sleeping and thankfully she is fussy when she wakes up so I have a warning.

I turn my back for 20 seconds, she is climbed on top of the kitchen table and is stomping on it and giggling.

Going to DS2’s school programs means sitting in the back, on the edge, or near a door because she wants to run off and explore or often towards DS2 and will scream if you stop her. I take her right out and watch from the outside.

My older two were easy baby and toddlers, so enjoyed that stage with them, they were happy to sit and play quietly for a bit and napped well while I did housework and we were able to do other things and had no issue with keeping house tidy and on top of housework, but when DS1 (he is autistic) hit about 5 he was more difficult (covid didn’t help matters either) but a bit better now at 10. DS2 is 7 and he is in the ‘why’ stage, really testing boundaries and getting upset when he is told no. The constant having to repeat myself and follow behind him almost to make sure he is getting ready for school is exhausting because he is so easily distracted ( is on the waiting list to be assessed).

Like I said upthread depends on the child’s temperament and personality on what stages parents enjoy and they don’t.

Oh OP I feel you so much - I get Sunday evening blues because I have my two (2&4) on my own on Mondays and it is hectic.

At the weekend I can be fun Mum with an activity because DH can intervene when the youngest gets bored in 5 minutes, relaxed Mum who gets lunch ready while DH keeps an eye on the kids, calm Mum who is not overstimulated by two kids wanting my attention at the same time.

I kid you not, I have started waking early to meditate in the hopes of keeping my shit together on Mondays. Its not been a complete success, but I figured if I'm trying to teach my very highly strung 4 yo about keeping calm, I need to model by example. Sometimes that's just taking a moment to remind myself he'll be in school in 2.5 months or, as I worked out yesterday, in 9 Mondays...

Think you need to actually read my post.

Empathy and sympathy.

Everyone has different experiences. Understanding and appreciation is universal.

Mine had the same age gap as yours. I did play group anyway. The secret is to break it down into small chunks and also wear them out.
Eg breakfast, out to park/playgroup/soft play, home for lunch, small one naps, spend some one to one time with elder child (reading, cuddles etc), then both kids do messy play activities eg water, play dough, Legos (you have to do it with them), then tv while you put the dinner on. Evening = your partner doing stuff with them - bath, bedtime stories etc while you clear up and sort the washing.
Every day needs to be like this until they can entertain themselves better. It feels like forever but it’s actually a very short time. This is what it is to have children. By the time they are eleven, it’ll all be over and they’ll be mini teenagers.

I actually think this is good advice although it's not the easy path in some ways. I find the days I lose my phone (literally, I'm very disorganised) are easier somehow. Nothing to pull your attention away, make you feel like you're missing out, etc.

I counted down the weeks with my second and school (had a third baby at home). Yes, it's hard and I had an older flavour of child first time round who wasn't easily pleased with usual toddler activities. I'm glad to see you're not letting the usual comments get to. Everyone has things they find hard.

But I think you’ve misunderstood what I’m saying. I’m not asking for ideas of things to do. I know those things and I know where to find things to do.

Actually doing them - getting everyone in the car and managing the day so that the little one has a nap and the older one doesn’t miss out, so that everyone eats reasonably healthily and no one falls out or cries or has a tantrum - now that’s a slightly different matter!

I can relate to this. I don't work (my choice and i don't take any state benefits to fund our life) andhave spent every day with my son since birth. Nothing was too much trouble, he didn't ask to be born and I want him to be a good adult. But there came a time when I couldn't progress his development without the help of kindergarten. I got to relax and he got amazing educational development. Hang in there, get them into a good school.

I’m similar to you, 4 and 1, I’m home once a week by myself with them and it’s difficult. If it were just my 4 yo, it would be a breeze, but my 13 month old makes it very tricky. They have totally different needs, hard to get naps in if I plan to be out the house. House ends up a tip, which really bothers me (i cant help it, it does). Some one is usually crying😅, it’s tough. Sometimes I get sad because I wish I could have enjoyed this time with just my eldest before they start school in Sept. I understand where you are coming from, I partly enjoy being with them but mostly dread it because it’s really hard work and quite frankly not that enjoyable being a servant and cleaner all day.

just came here to say, totally understand where you are coming from, tou don’t need ideas and to be told off, you are doing the right thing for your children at the cost to yourself, your feelings are valid !

I think your last point is the most relevant here. Even though you are not enjoying it, for good reason by the sounds of it, your children need their mum. This time will be benefitting their wellbeing hugely, although it may not seem like it amongst the squabbles and moaning. That is the thing when y9u have kids, you have to put them first.

It's a terrible thing now, that when it's tough going we up their nursery time, expecting paid carers to make up for time with parents.

I would most definitely take teens over tots, I raised such funny fuckers. Still looks back fondly at the zoo and farm visits though!

It will be easier when the eldest starts school, do they have any little friends they could do play dates with then you can just chill with the little one perhaps

I remember at those kind of ages (I had a four year gap) it was kind of a matter of planning until the next thing started (e.g. preschool, reception) and taking the little one along to things, like yours they wouldn't want to go in the buggy, perhaps wanting to be like the older one and it could be really hard work!