To find days off with my kids almost unbearable?

[saynn]

Which is horrible but hear me out. They are 4 (5 in October, start school then) and 1 (2 in August.) I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off with them. And I hate it.

I know it’s horrible but it’s the way it’s just impossible to get anything done at all without someone wanting something, whining, falling out, demanding something. I know I need to lower standards but I do find it hard when there’s a mess or something and plus we do need to eat!

I do take them out as much as I can but even that’s getting to be hard work as one is a very slow walker and the other a very speedy runner.

I’m desperately counting the days until my older child starts school as both of them together just about finishes me off.

Another crock of shit. I only started enjoying being with my child when they were older. I really don’t miss the baby / toddler years at all. I cannot relate to people who get sad about ‘how quick they grow up’. I’m all for it!!

You sound like you need a proper routine!
Write one out that works for everyone, and include stuff that you enjoy, and the kids enjoy.
Focus on quality time, especially with the oldest before he goes off the school.
Try to get out daily, but go somewhere your runner can run once you get there, and implement proper rules for the walking (give him a place he can run to, like the next lamppost, he has to stop when you say, otherwise he has to hold the buggy and can't run at all).
Also incorporate some independent activity time where you can leave them to play and you get what needs done done, stuff like duplo, play kitchen, jigsaws etc are fab for this, where you can set it up, start them off and then leave them - if they come to you, redirect them back to the activity and space, and let them know when you'll be back with them. You could also do some arts and crafts time (in the garden if possible?), where you do the same.
You could also try implementing quiet time, especially if the little one doesn't nap any more - half an hour or so in their own rooms, with books or quiet toys. This will either allow you to have time to do jobs, or just sit down and chill.

Is the oldest not in nursery 5 days a week? This is very normal for 4 year olds where I am, even if it's just mornings or afternoons.

Join a gym with a creche. I did this, some days I put them in the creche and just had breakfast to myself!

I do too. I don’t feel guilty though for not liking a certain age or stage.

People come here all the time saying how they hated the baby stage because their babies did or had xyz, and were happy when they reached the toddler stage, some weren’t keen on the toddler stage and were happy when their children were in school and could communicate their needs better.

It’s ridiculous to make rude comments about not enjoying/ liking certain stages.

I have 2-year-old twins. Nursery is too expensive; it's not worth me working, so I'm a SAHM. We're unlikely to get spots in any nursery when they get some funding at 3, as they're so oversubscribed and so many have folded.

You have my empathy and sympathy, OP.

Haha yeah it hasn’t gone quickly either 😂

@littleorangefox I just wanted to say I totally get this. I've seen quite a few comments both on this thread and online in general about just forgetting about housework and I could never, ever do that. I have 4 children aged 5 and under and there's not a chance I could just let the house fall to shit. It's a constant cycle during the day of keeping it relatively clean and tidy and needs done to avoid having even more work to do in an evening when they all (finally) go to bed. We already end up doing stuff until 9/10pm to put the house back together and get ready for the next day

This is so true. I'm about as far from houseproud as you can be, but there are certain basics that just HAVE to be done for basic hygiene and safety. Laundry, making food then clearing it away and washing up, clearing up the 20 spillages every day, tidying up enough so that the house isn't a literal safety hazard and we actually have some space to walk around. (And making the children tidy up is just as much work as doing it yourself, so whilst I appreciate the comments about getting children to help with tidying... it's good for their long term development, but in my experience it doesn't make it any easer).

And with toddlers, they'll often be making more mess while you're cleaning up the mess they've just made!

What sort of stuff are you trying to get done? Are you viewing it as a “day off work” rather than a day doing work of a different sort?
I wouldn’t be aiming to get any sort of deep clean or anything you wouldn’t achieve while at work, maybe hang a wash up and put it away but other than that it’s just the stuff that comes with kids during the day and the chores generally need to wait until bedtime:

You can share your dread with me. I only have 1 day off a week with my 2 year old and 4 month old. It’s so exhausting and stressful, appreciate it’s largely due to very small age gap so hoping it’s gets a little easier. I can’t really leave the house much with both of them on my own cause my eldest is so little , it’s a safety concern going anywhere. I look forward to my days when the eldest is in nursery. I love them more than words can say but some people just aren’t meant to be SAHMs. I’m one of them. I’m too over stimulated and knackered.

So much judgement on this post! I can't be bothered to scroll back and quote but I think the mother of twins that commented needs to have a think. It's widely known that twins are hard work so of all people you should understand rather than judge someone with two children at very different stages which clearly isn't your experience!

OP I have the exact same ages and it is tough, you have one capable little person who wants to do things the little one can't, and another who might be destroying everything in reach 🤣. For me personally I get frequent feelings of overwhelm and then I try to fill my cup, we go outside to a space where they can both be safe and play, or ill try and get one job ticked off my list like an errand to make myself feel like I'm achieving something. Have you got the littlest going on a scooter or balance bike yet?

It will pass, they grow up. As you had said one will be in school soon.

YABU

you just need to get organised. But in the same way you wouldn't have the kids home when you are working, why would you want to spend hours doing chores anyway

Let them entertain themselves for 1 hour in the morning when you get your chores done. Then out for the day, or at worst come back for lunch, then go out again in the afternoon.

Come home for diner, let them play independently when you are doing that and cleaning after.

Bath, bed. Wizz around the house so it's clean and tidy when you wake up tomorrow.

Done.

It's such an easy age, when any outing can turn into an entertaining day out. They get more fussy when they get older.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all.
But as someone who's children are all teens . I will say I miss the younger years. They flew by and now I have wonderful kids who are nearly adults. And I wish I could go back and spend more time with them and less time worrying about a tidy house or things that really didnt matter.

I feel similar on some days. I work 3 days and am off 2 with 3yo and 1yo. Totally understand the feelings.
I'm in no position to offer advice as could have written this myself tbh! But am offering sympathy. I love parenting when DH is there and it's 1 child each. 2 to myself feels like a hectic march through the day, fire fighting, splitting up arguments, desperately making food to stop hunger tantrums, trying to get one to nap and the other not to nap, wiping bottoms and faces, dealing with behaviour. It's exhausting.
Then I feel guilty for feeling like that because I know some mums have no choice but to work full time and I'm lucky. And some days I feel blessed! And the other day DH came in to me saying I think I need to work 4 days a week, I can't do this.
One point though - we go to a toddler group where there are plenty of older children right up to school starting age and it runs in holidays for older siblings too. Actually more 3-5yo than babies I'd say, or babies are all younger siblings. Maybe you haven't found the right one? Ask on your local FB page for recommendations?

@Energywise Good for you 😁

YANBU. I bloody hate it. I wait for the nursery days each week for eagerness.

God I get so angry at the 'oh that's so sad try and enjoy it' comments. Please do one.

I don't particularly like parenting, I never have done. It's a grind and I'd rather be doing adult stuff. Of course I do it, and please don't get this confused with not absolutely adoring the socks off my little girl. Of course I do. I'm just not particularly interested in playing with Barbies or spending 10 minutes listening to whinging about not being allowed a packet of crisps.

I don't miss the early days at all. Should I have 'cherished' it more? No. 'you'll miss her when she's at school'. Nah, I can get adult stuff done like advance my career and have some peace and quiet. I look forward to picking her up and give her plentiful cuddles and kisses, but I'm also quite relieved when she's in bed.

Shock horror. Report me !

It's a phase OP, it'll get easier. Please don't feel guilty about feeling the way that you do.

Maybe I'll miss it all when she's a grumpy teenager, but time will always do that to you. When you're in the thick of it, you're in no state of mind to imagine how you're going to feel 10 years later looking back.

Stop trying to do so much. I think these days many parents thik their children need to be taken out all day every day. They need to be at home in their own space playing with their own toys. They need to rest. Too many children do 12 hour days during the week then at the weekend there is no day "off" because their parents feel the need to take them here there and everywhere.
Having toddlers in knackering but it is only hard if you make it hard. When was the last time your child had a whole day when they didn't leave the house ? There is no point in trying to keep the house tidy during the day, get them to help with tidy up before they go to bed. I used to use the broom to clear a path in the livingroom during the day. Making lunch and dinner and doing some laundry is more than enough chores whilst you have little ones at home. Don't set yourself up to fail.

I used to joke about going to work for a rest. At work I got coffee breaks where I actually managed to drink a hot cup of coffee and was able to put it down without worrying that someone may knock it over or burn themselves on it, have a chat with adults, I was allowed to spend as long as I needed in the loo without someone hammering on the door or worried what the children were getting up to while I was in there. 😂

You don't have to love it all. We're sold this idea that we need to "cherish every moment" while they're little, but you know what? Sometimes they're hell!

If you really do hate it, and that's ok, maybe look at doing 4 days a week instead of 3? Gives you one more "adult" day and you may find you enjoy it more when it's only one day if child chaos rather than two.

You may then find you're more inclined to "cherish" rather than worrying about the mess, because it's only one day.

Some toddlers are genuinely harder than others.

Some of this I don’t understand - putting the washing in etc.

If you can’t put a load on in 2 minutes, what on earth is your washing routine? You can absolutely leave a 5 year old and 1 year old in the kitchen with you for the 2 minutes it takes to bung a load on or wipe the counters. Lower standards and just do the essentials when they are there. Firefighting, not anything more.

People suit different stages. That’s ok. It’s just about being practical and realistic. I loved baby to preschool and found 7-9 a particularly stroppy and exhausting phase.

I’m sorry you’re finding it hard going, OP. I can’t say “it gets easier’ necessarily but I guarantee it gets different.

It is hard.

Would it help to have a plan in advance? Only saying because it helped/helps here. So list all the options - swimming, city farm, soft play, museum with toddler bit, library, playground, woodland, beach, whatever. And at home activities - orchard board games, gardening, cooking, drawing, kids magazinrs etc (yes, most of these are going to be approximations with kids that age) Make a schedule for the next three weeks for days off and print it off with lots of nice pictures. Takes away decision fatigue for you and might make the kids less stressed?

So instead of facing 12 hours of what the hell do we do it's (eg) breakfast - walk to Activity A - lunch out - walk back - Octonauts magazine with 5 year old while baby naps - play shopping list - telly for both - dinner - zoomies while you hang on until bedtime - bath - sleep. All planned in advance so they hopefully accept it as just what happens

I just wanted to say I empathise. I own my own company, had to go back to work when baby was 4 months but I had no choice. I decided to do 4 mornings a week, and felt so sorry for me and my baby. Honestly, going to work has felt like a break.

I miss him and love him to bits, but I do find keeping him going quite hard work! We tend to meet up with friends one afternoon a week, that whizzes by. But all baby groups near me are in the mornings. If I go out for a walk, he sleeps, which I can't have all afternoon. Every toy lasts a few minutes before he's bored and whinges. It's a long old afternoon!

So we can deduce from this post that I’m out far too much and also not spending enough time out of the house, spending too much time on chores but also have to do the chores with the toddlers help, that it’s an incredibly easy age and really so much drama!

I do think there are rose tinted glasses here. I like having one child at a time but two is a bit beyond my skill set I think.