To find days off with my kids almost unbearable?

[saynn]

Which is horrible but hear me out. They are 4 (5 in October, start school then) and 1 (2 in August.) I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off with them. And I hate it.

I know it’s horrible but it’s the way it’s just impossible to get anything done at all without someone wanting something, whining, falling out, demanding something. I know I need to lower standards but I do find it hard when there’s a mess or something and plus we do need to eat!

I do take them out as much as I can but even that’s getting to be hard work as one is a very slow walker and the other a very speedy runner.

I’m desperately counting the days until my older child starts school as both of them together just about finishes me off.

But then why have 2? Surely if you have 1, hate it and regret it, you would stop?

Or is it easy having 1, so people have 2, then realise that 2 is way too much and they should have stuck to 1?

Asking as a childfree woman on the fence.

Ok what do you need to get done when you are at home with DC? Housework - it'll wait. Though the washing machine won't load itself it doesn't take long to stick stuff in it and then in the dryer (separate dark colours, I suppose, since no-one especially wants khaki coloured underwear etc).
Spend your time with your DC. What things have you at home that you can do together? You can paint - so you need lots of paper, and those standing easels Mothertat used to sell, washable paint (buy the big bottles in primary colours - red, blue and yellow - plus black and white, that lot will mix any colour). That's most of the morning done in artistic endeavour (and really, once they are doing it you can read a book). And you could do simple printing with potatoes, too, and show the older one how to use masks, wax resist, all sorts of lovely things. Make masks to wear, finger puppets (places like pound shops often sell kits) etc. Add interest with sparkles and other stuff you can stick on pictures/masks etc. Cook with them - scone pizzas, bread (everyone's fingers will be really clean! and the bread is nice, too!), cup cakes out of a packet with icing and sprinkles - also helps solve the 'we must eat' bit. Read to them. You must have picture story books but a trip to the library with 1 year old in a pushchair, (why let them walk?) is a great morning out. Have a picnic in the garden. Garden with them - let them have a flower/veg bed which they can help plant out, water, try to weed (watch them to stop them pulling up the veg and flowers!) etc. In summer a paddling pool and you can also take them swimming - useful as well as fun. All these are lovely things to do. The house will get a bit dusty but wtaf?
Eating - chips and fishfingers with tomatoes and peas, pizza (made by all of you) with tomatoes and some salad. Healthy stuff like yoghurt and cottage cheese. Picnics with sandwiches and fruit. By 5 o' clock they should be happy to play with some toys in the kitchen whilst you cook an evening meal. Ready for baths and more stories - you can read any number of stories to children and as long as you are interesting, point out the action in the pictures and talk about it they will stay absorbed (go for things like 'Where the Wild Things Are' etc - don't get didactic, it bores kids as well as adults). Oh, don't let them have any screens - except maybe a bit of CeeBeeBees/your favoured kids channel (have programmes you like recorded for use) when you fancy sitting down with a cuppa.
All too soon they will be 21 and graduating. Don't miss these lovely days by worrying about the housework or whether the car needs servicing or that you can't get things done because of whiney kids. They will cease to be so whiney (whining is an occupational hazard of motherhood) when you mother them and that work is the most important work that you, or anyone, will ever do.

oh please

On which planet does anyone ever have kids thinking it wouldn't be actual WORK.

It's as enjoyable as you are making it, but the fake naivety is ridiculous.

It's the same with parents shocked and horrified to discover that school kids have school holidays. Yes, because in the good old days of their own school days, that didn't exist did it 😂
And non-parents have never heard of school holidays either.

Even before you are a parent, even if you stick to adult only places as much as you can, you have seen children. What exactly did you expect? Of course it's work, and when they are young, it's relentless - only the short time between the end of naps and the start of schools though

So the question is, what did you expect would happen when you decided to have children?

If you have one and hate the pregnancy and early years enough to not have another, you soon discover you get massive judgement when you admit that and you learn to not tell people.

If you could drop a 3.5 year old into my house (but with the bonding of the previous years included) I would happily do it again.

I expected to love them, and I did. I also spent 8/9 years at home playing with them, reading to them, painting with them, cooking with them, taking them to the library, taking them to art galleries, swimming, the theatre, the cinema...and then I went back to work which was a real pain.

FFS, some people just have no empathy whatsoever.

All those saying oh its so sad, how terribly, terribly sad...catch yourselves on. I'm sure the OP's DC are absolutely fine. Some people find it tough when they're small and it doesn't mean they don't love their kids or do a great job.

OP, 4yo and 1yo is a tough stage. That's all it is. You clearly love your children and I bet you're a wonderful Mum, you're just at a difficult, frustrating stage of parenting right now. Nothing wrong with admitting that and if you can't have a bit of a vent about it on MN then frankly I think that's what's sad!

I have a similar age gap to you and I found it tough going keeping them both entertained and getting everything done that I needed to when they were little. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with them, it just felt like when I did it was hard to relax and enjoy it because everything was a battle. Getting out of the house, choosing an activity they'd both like, finding something they'd both eat, both of them wanting my attention but not wanting to play the same games etc. It was just a tough stage. My DC are 6 and 11 now and I adore my days off with them now (most of the time! 😂), they're great company and there are loads of places I can take them that they both enjoy.

You can't guess how well siblings will get on, and you can't predict the age gap.

One one side, it's easier with little ones to have just one to deal with but actually you get a lot more organised and chilled when you have several.
For example, you can be "late" because you are faffing too much with a toddler, but when you have a school run to do, you are on time.

Having an only is cheaper, obviously, but you end up with a lot more parents involvement, and a lot more organising of their social life and events.

I find it a lot easier with 4, but that's just me 😂

My god honestly some of these posts are so so hard to read. You really need to remember that YOUR experience, is not the experience of others.

Some people have very laid back infants, some really don’t.

Some peoples babies and children sleep so well, other peoples don’t, and they drag them selves for years through life dealing with sleep deprivation.

Some people have a tonne of help from friends and family, some have absolutely none !

Some parents have supportive friends and partners, some don’t.

Some people are financially more comfortable than others

Some people enjoy working and find fulfilment in their careers, so they enjoy going back to work, some people not so much and prefer being a SAHM.

We all experience our children’s stages differently, do not think just because you love the 0-3 age that everyone else should.

You can be an amazing, loving, selfless mum but struggle at the same time. You can find everything so difficult and triggering for so many reasons and need to vent because ITS HARD BEING A MUM !

Some of the judgements here and blanket statements are truly vile, it’s shows an inability to reflect, lack of empathy and self centred nature.

I LOVE my kids, adore them, I’m an amazing mum, but my god I find it so unbelievably hard, I have really bad days and quite honestly don’t enjoy the 0-4 stage, but I didn’t have kids because I wanted babies, I had kids because I wanted a family, I wanted to watch my children grow, flourish and learn from them.

Remember, we all experience parenthood and life differently, because we are all different. BE KIND

This! IMO toddlers and very small children are just really really boring. Much prefer them as they get closer to teens and beyond (and luckily that’s the stage that lasts much longer than the baby toddler years)

I do think it gets easier once they start school. September will be here before you know it and you’ll have a different routine with your oldest being in school and then your days off with the youngest should be much easier as you’ve mentioned.

I don't think OP said she regretted having her children did she? She's finding this current stage really challenging, that doesn't mean she wishes she didn't have children!

Teach them to put toys away. Counting all the jigsaw pieces (do children still have those?) and the Lego etc is good counting practice. Also keep all of a toy set together and have a box for toys and a bookshelf for books (and always mend books if they are torn and make clear that damaging books is a no-no when putting them away). Als, keep toys to one room if pos. One reason I am not keen on open plan houses is that toys get everywhere and Lego is particularly hazardous!

No judgement...I hated it and remember the feeling of dread well...

I loved the younger years just as much as I like the teens years. Maybe because I was an older mum, so didn't feel like I was missing out on anything, we just slowed down and did things around the kids for a few years.

The key was to get as busy as possible, but kids-busy. Not trying to squeeze young children in my child-free life, that never works.

Back to normal life once they are at school, and you can easily take turn to go out evenings and weekends.

The combination of an 18 month old and 4 year old I honestly found the most difficult - even worse than any newborn phases. Well done for surviving! It gets better!

This is very true. You often see working parents repeating the cliche “I do all that a SAHM does and also work full time” and I always think: that doesn’t make any sense. I used to work FT with kids and now I’m a a SAHM and it is very very hard work in comparison with having them at weekends and evenings only. I know it’s better for them to be with me and I enjoy it despite how hard it is (otherwise I would when gone back to work) but I get its not for everyone.

It happens every time someone says they find it difficult.

“Omg, you must hate your children if you don’t like it all or cherish it all.” 🙄

It is stupid to assume not liking a stage means you hate your children.

Which is great for you and your family, but you're posting as if that's how all families should be.

Some people don't find it easier to take the kids out. Some kids don't want to go out. Some are perfectly happy playing in the garden, digging in the mud, helping you plant up or water.

Some need "more". Not all do. Everyone, every child, every family is different. And it's absolutely ok for one mum to LOVE doing those things with their kids and another to find it really hard work and not enjoy it.

Calling other mums "ridiculous" because their experience and feelings are different to yours is just plain mean spirited.

My original post was in reply to someone making negative comments about taking the children to activities and stating that children must stay home being bored.

I couldn't disagree more.

Even during the lockdown, which was horrendous, but thank god we were in England and allowed to go outside without restrictions which was better than nothing.

Saying that it's hard staying home brings my answer: yes it is, that's why I don't stay home!

I have come to realise that we all enjoy different stages, and are good at different stages, of motherhood. I found the toddler and baby years hideously hard, had to actively try to find some few moments of positivity in each day. Others love those years, not me!
Young child was an improvement, but still not fun, with the endless whining and demands and hours spent bored and uncomfortable at playgrounds, or playing mindlessly dull games invented by my offspring. Again, some people loved it, I endured it and just tried to find a few moments to enjoy each day.
Older child years however are great! They read for fun, don’t require endless input, their ‘help’ around the house finally starts to be actually helpful rather than making more
work, all the effort spent teaching them when they were younger starts to pay off, they like to do actual interesting (to me) things together like playing board games and watching documentaries, their friends are more interesting to be around, they are starting to be properly interested in the world and want to talk basic-level politics and environmentalism. Turns out this is the stage where I come into my own! No doubt this too will pass, but that’s the key: however good or bad it is, it will pass. In the meantime, find ways to make it endurable, get any help you can, and know that IT WILL GET BETTER!
Right now I am dreading the teenage years, when their brains go to mush and it all goes horribly wrong, but also enjoying the current stage while it lasts!

Yes but you must realise noones coming on to Mumsnet to start a thread saying ‘isn’t parenting great, had a wonderful day today with my kids. Anyone else?’ - it’s a forum, it’s for moaning!!! In the exact same way you never see a thread that says ‘Saw some excellent parking today, look at this’ or ‘wow my neighbours are just so nice, anybody else?’ - let people vent!!!!!

@saynn I really to empathise with you. One point you make sticks out the most - one is manageable and even enjoyable but when you’re outnumbered the phase ‘one is one, two is twenty’ comes to mind. I have twins, and when they were little those days off were rough. I’m not ashamed to say I wished hours away at times!! They’re 7 now though, and life is much simpler and easier. Once they started school I kept my days off and now they’re actual days off and OP, they are glorious. Sometimes I stay in bed the entire day.

As for any practical advice getting through it - are your parents local, could they come with you on days out? Any good friends with kids for play dates to share the load a little? But feel free to moan, I remember that dread well. You can have a few moments of utter joy across those days - but then the other 6 hours have you wondering how soon is too soon for the gin. Life with little kids can be hard work but know you’re not alone in feeling like that!

I used to hate it when I had both kids alone for weeks on end, it used to drag, some days were ok but some days were hell on earth!

I've found it easier since working days, I quite often break up the week with me off, husband off and holiday clubs. Sometimes it's holiday clubs all week.

As they get older it gets easier, they are now old enough to go play out with their friends so I get a bit of respite but I'm still up and down making sure they are ok! Even now they still drive me insane because they argue or they just whine that they are bored and don't want to do anything I suggest that doesn't cost money.

I just console myself with the fact that one day I'll miss this and I will but it doesn't make getting through it any easier.

Within 10 minutes of picking them up from school yesterday I could have happily abandoned them for their persistent arguing and making a drama out of nothing. They are coming up to 8 and 10 as well!

I only had one as I realised that I am not a very patient person and I needed my sleep. I was also on my own so the thought of maybe meeting somene else, getting pregant and being left again was a massive fear for me. I don't think I was cut out to be a mother really, I loved some bits of it but the whining, the drudgery, the exhaustion of doing it all on my own was often a real crusher. I envy people who were better at relationships a and parenting than me but I did try my best.

you'll get different answers because every child is different, and every family dynamic different.

I was dealing with a two that were 3 years apart and the older was disabled/non verbal. (later diagnosed AuDHD)

I used to

1. confine them to the lounge/diner. i kept most of their toys in that room.
2. tidy up toys at meal times and bedtime. so we had a lunch/dinner/bedtime reset of putting toys away, they were ignored outside of that
3. drinks were all kept in non-spill cups and meals were always eaten at the table (avoiding those '20 spills a day' you seem to get...)
4. designate the afternoon as nap/quiet time for them so i could do a few chores.
5. Clean as i went while watching them in the lounge as i had the kitchen gated, and the living room baby proofed.

You have to work smarter, not harder.

It does get easier once on goes to school though, so hang in there!

You don’t know till you have them, simple as that. Partly because they are individual and different. Some sleep, some don’t. Some are clingy, some aren’t. Some siblings get on, some don’t. Imagine if you adopted a dog, but till you got it you didn’t know the size, breed, dietary or enrichment requirements etc. Only it’s a lot harder, the stakes are immeasurably higher, and you can’t rehome it if it doesn’t work!