To find days off with my kids almost unbearable?

[saynn]

Which is horrible but hear me out. They are 4 (5 in October, start school then) and 1 (2 in August.) I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off with them. And I hate it.

I know it’s horrible but it’s the way it’s just impossible to get anything done at all without someone wanting something, whining, falling out, demanding something. I know I need to lower standards but I do find it hard when there’s a mess or something and plus we do need to eat!

I do take them out as much as I can but even that’s getting to be hard work as one is a very slow walker and the other a very speedy runner.

I’m desperately counting the days until my older child starts school as both of them together just about finishes me off.

Yes this. It’s so hard, being told to cherish every moment is really not helpful! I’m sure OP loves and cherishes her children while also finding days on her own with them bloody hard work. Both can be true at the same time.

Hang in there OP. It will get easier in September ❤️

genuinely?

No one has an instruction manual, but the trauma of birth, physical and mental exhaustion, is pretty common knowledge?

The fact that it's relentless, that your life has to revolve around kids for a few years, that you have to spend time in kids friendly places which are frankly hell on earth 😂
Obviously there are more positive than negative, or we wouldn't bother having kids and on the whole it's fabulous to have kids, but who can pretend it comes as a shock that it's exhausting, expensive and your priorities have to change big time.

If it was that easy, rich people wouldn't need full time nannies, night nannies, holiday nannies...

Knowing that the nursery years are the easiest - they might be expensive, but at least they open pretty much every working day of the year.
Primary school is HARD for working parents -unless you have family babysitting on tap.

And secondary and teenage years bring different challenges.

It's just that the more prepared you are, the less difficult it is - you start with NCT classes for the birth but nothing is a big shock?

Yet a couple of generations ago.there want this idea of always going to " kid friendly" places. Majority of the time the kids had to fit in with the adults.

NCT classes are really for middle class mummies to meet other middle class mummies. How many people on a large council estate tend to go to them. Not sure these days but they used to be pretty expensive if you were on a normal working class job wage

I think a lot of SAHP don’t enjoy 90% of it - because young children are sometimes a harder slog than being at work and it feels never ending.

I sincerely hope it's not true, because if it's that unbearable with their own kids, what could we expect from nursery workers, child minders and nannies who spend 8 or 10 hours with children that are not even theirs!

If it was that painful with your own, can you imagine how bad childcare set ups would be?

In real life, thankfully, a lot of parents actually enjoy spending time with their children, even if it's not a ridiculous fairy tale and not everything is perfect and easy.

NHS used to do the same classes, and they were free. I don't know today, but less than 10 years ago they were still on.

I know where you are coming from OP I felt similarly at points. I’m out the other side of the preschool years now and I weirdly only really remember the good bits of that period. I sometimes yearn for the toddler years even though at the time it was ridiculously stressful.

I think there may be some rose tinted glasses going on from posters whose children are much older and who have forgotten what it’s actually like.

Your nearly there OP the oldest will be in school very soon and then life will hopefully be much easier.

I think there may be some rose tinted glasses going on from posters whose children are much older and who have forgotten what it’s actually like.

That's what I have a problem with. It's unfair to pretend that ALL parents find their kids unbearable, hate baby and toddler years, and like nothing else than getting rid of them. Not true. No rose tinted glass needed.

Also annoying is parents who can't do anything but complain and hate weekends and school holidays- that's where the question comes up, why bother having kids if the thought of having them home is so painful?

MN is a funny place. On a thread about boarding school, everybody screams in horror at neglectful, selfish and nasty parents (just read the threads, the level of vitriol is insane)
but at the same time pretend that having kids at home is the worst thing that could happen, and kids should be sent to nursery and school 365 days a year.

They weren't in during COVID, because COVID, and many places didn't bother starting them up again.

I have a 3.5 year old. No NCT for us. Likely none for OP with a 4 year old either.

These ages are hard work, and if there's even less support these days, you can't be surprised that people are finding them tough.

Also, just because "everyone knows kids are hard work", doesn't mean that people aren't allowed to say it's hard at any point they may be feeling it.

No one has said that kids should be sent to nursery and school 365 days a year though? So that isn't true either.

I hated the baby stage, I fail to see why that means I shouldn't have had children. I had no idea that I'd hate it until I actually went through it and even if I knew I would've hated it, the baby stage is a short period of time thankfully.

No one is saying having kids at home is the worst thing in the world. They're acknowledging it's hard work.

You loved it. Great, good for you. OP finds two at once hard work and is struggling with that at these ages. She's allowed to have a different experience to you.

At some point, you will have found or will find something hard or not like/d it. Let's hope that people who loved it are nicer to you than you've been here.

Yep agreed. Saying unbearable about your children is just not ok hence the lack of agreement with what is being said.

but a lot of people say it.

Parents relentlessly complaining about weekends with kids and school holidays IS definitively a thing.

Parents are already complaining about the summer holidays - and we still have more than a month to go in England state schools.

If someone starts a thread on a public forum with the title: spending time with their kid is "unbearable", posters have not only the right to disagree but to post to express their opinion.

almost unbearable. Almost.

@GinnyandGeorgia Personally I knew what I would have to DO as a parent, but not how it would make me feel. How could I know?

I probably could have guessed that my tendency to anxiety and perfectionism would make it hard, but I had no idea how unbearable that would feel when I was in it. Or how being very introverted (in that I recharge by being alone, not that I have no friends) would include my own child and I would feel desperately claustrophic and exhausted, simply because you cannot leave small children alone. Or that being tired from being woken every 45 minutes by a teething baby is vastly different to pre-child tiredness.

Because people are allowed to talk about how they feel.

What you seem to want is for everyone to just say how rosy and lovely life is every day.

@GinnyandGeorgia
I also said YABU to the poster complaining that if she didn't watch her toddler, he would reach for the bleach. Instead of you know.. putting the bleach away where he couldn't reach

I do put it where she can’t reach, do you think I’m totally thick?! 🙄🙄 So then she tries to climb to get it, which in itself is dangerous. She seems to have a sixth sense for everything she isn’t allowed to touch, and tries to grab them as soon as my back is turned. Her sister was exactly the same until she grew out of it around 2 and a half-3.

This thread is full of people who lack the imagination to realise that not every child is the same as theirs 🙄 Which would be fine if you weren’t so pompous and patronising about it.

I’m ten years ahead of you (kids now 14 and 11) and I remember these days. A lot of the memories of the drudgery do fade and you look back nostalgically at them being small and cute, but I do still remember the shit bits! It’s hard with a 4 year old because as you say, they are too old for toddler groups and there’s not much else! Four was one of the hardest ages I reckon. My DH and I still appreciate it every day that we aren’t knee deep in toys and nappies, they don’t wake us up at 6am, and we can even nip out to the pub for an hour or two these days! It gets so much easier, I promise.

Yes there were classes but not the same. Else why would the NCT get people paying

NHS still do the classes around me

I was just thinking the other day I spend all week waiting for the weekend because work is shit, then wanting to be back at work because I'm running about trying to get things done and give my kids a good weekend. One has complex needs and challenging behaviour, so weekends and holidays are definitely not a break, just more agro. I'm knackered. I love my kids, but it's hard to really enjoy any part of the week.

I thought I'd just leave one more comment, for the people wondering "why people have children if they're going to complain it's hard".

My children are the light of my life, simply looking at their faces brings me more joy than I could ever have imagined. I love snuggles, I love their laughter, I love pulling funny faces with them, I love dancing with them, I love watching them learn and grow, they're so funny, I end up texting my mum and my husband every single day with cute/funny/clever/surprising things they have done. When they're in bed I watch videos I've taken of them during the day. THAT is why I had children.

I don't think it should be surprising or controversial to say that picking up the same toys over and over, dealing with tantrums, mopping up spillages, correcting behaviour, listening to whining, trying to do laundry with children crowding around your feet, having to interrupt cooking dinner every 2 minutes to deal with something else, feeling like you're being torn in two because your two children need two completely different things at the same time... all of those things and more are not very enjoyable, and are very hard - especially if, like many mothers these days, you're living a long way from your support network and never get a break, and especially if your children are at different ages. People are allowed to have a bit of a moan fgs.

Also worth noting that kids don't stay kids forever. Some people don't like the baby stage, but still enjoy the other stages. If we just decide not to have kids because we aren't keen on a particular stage in their development then the population would be significantly reduced!

My child is stuck in a difficult stage due to LD and may well never develop out of it due to his disabilities. I may need to always change nappies for him. I can still see the great things that come with him though, but it doesn't make it less hard that im going to be a carer all my life. I can still feel a bit shit about it.

Some would say why did you have kids if the risk is always there, but again, people just wouldn't if they had that mentality. it can happen to anyone. Sometimes you just have to do your best when things are crap, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. Having a grumble gets you through the hard times.

Hi OP, yup I hear you. Have 2 DC with similar age gap and some days are wonderful and some are just overwhelming / exhausting mad chaos 🫠 the bickering, the whining, the mummeeeee (insert gripe here), the meltdowns, the trying to get everyone ready and out the door like herding cats... 🤯

For me a few things helped, the first and biggest was caring less about the mess, Like A LOT less. I want to say this was an easy process, but the truth is the clean freak in me was not easy to ditch. She was one stubborn, determined B. It was an ugly fight that raged on and on but in the end I crane kicked her ass out the 2nd storey window and she gone 💀. No regrets! I am typing this now from the nuclear crater that used to be my lounge BUT my brain is happy! 🤩 Is it perfect? Nah. Would it be better if we lived in a sane tidy house? Yup. Am I going to care that it isn’t? NOPE! 😁 Honestly it has been the biggest game changer and finding I can enjoy time with the kids much more without that annoying bossy moo in my head pointing out all the mess, scudge and clutter (mother, is that you?? 🤔) It’s hard to let go, but embrace the mess! (For now at least)

Secondly, getting a buggy my LO liked, it was a freebie and had a different kind of bar across the front that made it a racing car apparently. Made it a different happier experience to go in it. In your case if buggy is unlikely to ever be a happy place how about a push along trike?

Someone said upthread about having somewhere to go which is contained and will cater for both levels of play which is a sanity saver like enclosed play parks or soft play. Also you might find toddler groups in the summer open out to outside play areas too, which could be more appealing for your nearly 5 yr old? Where I am there are a couple like this that open up back doors for outside play.

Do you have a garden or somewhere you could pop a water table? Little sand pit? Anything that could keep their hands busy so you can be off duty for a wee bit. Even an old washing up tub full of water on the patio and couple of brushes for water painting is a good one, or ‘painting’ a fence or wall in the same way.

A friend had the ingenious idea of a fixing those big bubble wand tubes to the garden wall or fence (upright), then little ones can dip the sticks and blow bubbles themselves freely without you having to hold the tubes and follow them round/ help dip etc (they can hold it themselves in theory but usually just ends up with it getting tipped out, especially with younger DC)

So a couple of ideas there and sorry if it’s duplicated, I haven’t read the whole thread.

Hope you’re having a good day today OP and Hang. In. There! x

Sorry just to add I meant the water play ideas (water table or washing up tub) that you could sit nearby to keep a watch but be hands free as they play (as obvs your youngest particularly couldn’t be left with water they might fall in). But just sitting near by while they play happy and you get a bit of head space

It’s been an interesting and heated thread sometimes. I do notice how much of it has been about telling others they are wrong for a feeling. I can identify with a lot of what @LavenderBlue19 wrote

I did do NCT but we’re a long way past that now. Sometimes what I really need in the day is to lie in a dark room alone for an hour and of course you can’t do that with preschool children.