For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Yes as it happens I do. I’m a trained speech therapist, although my first degree is psychology, and I currently volunteer as a legal rep for a SEN charity whilst I complete my law conversion. I also have two ND children, one ND sibling and a very ND ex husband.

Sorry what? Casually mentioning your husband sleeps with someone else when he's upset isn't normal at all; neither is being too scared/passive to ask him why he's so against something (and what he said which you quoted gives me the impression he doesn't talk very nicely to you or your child on a daily basis as well)

I think I remember OP's other thread (unique username) where her son struggles with the loud sounds/sensory overload of going outside though, if I remember correctly. That is a pretty big ASD tell though of course we can't just go off that.

Going on a tangent – I think (and many clinicians think) the perception of "overdiagnosis" of ASD / ADHD is because a lot of people naturally have certain types of brain, and capitalist society (school, work, etc) has certain rigid demands which just don't accommodate these natural variances / diversity in human wiring. On an individual level that doesn't make the diagnosis invalid — short of society radically overhauling its structure, diagnoses and accommodations help individual people cope on a daily basis.

Ah of course. It explains your expertise. I remember in first year of uni learning about the famous Sigmond Freud quote, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck"

Well all I can say to your having 'already written it off', is more fool you! I didn't write about my friend's situation for kicks, but to warn you of what could be happening to your son, however, please go ahead and bury your head in the sand if it helps, never mind about your son!

Oh, and if you were abused as a child, then I feel sure you that you would NOT be burying your head in the sand about the concerns I have raised.

I have spoke to my husband about whole situation.

He said he doesn’t like the idea of our son going to over to friends houses, because we don’t know the parents and anything could happen over there.

I asked him why is he doesn’t want our sons coming over to our house, he said because you shouldn’t have the responsibility of looking after someone else’s child, and also kids lie what if they went back and said you done something to them.

I told him that our sons friend and his mum are coming over this evening, and if he is so worried about them leaving a smell behind I’ll take mum in the garden whilst the boys can go and play in the playroom, that’s what it’s there for after all.

He has accepted that they will be coming over, and said that make sure they are out of the house by 6pm because he shouldn’t have to leave the house.

Even though you are allowing your son to have his friend over, he will still pick up on all the vibes, comments etc etc. you are both being abused here!

The trouble is that you’re exposing your son to this type of behaviour. You’ve already said he anxious and very clearly nervous about doing the very thing that 99% of other kids do. The question isn’t why sine men behave like this (bearing in mind the vast majority do not) it’s a question of why are you allowing it.

So you are basically accomodating batshit crazy, irrational, unfair behaviour and expecting your DS to do the same?

Also how do you explain this to the other mum, "right, you have to stay outside becuase you smell and leave by 6pm so my husband doesn't have to see you?"

It certainly sounds like either something happened to him, or someone he knew, as a child. Or there was an accusation of something - enough to put him off the idea of friends coming over. But he needs to understand that this isn’t a normal reaction. No, he should HAVE to leave the house - but neither should his son’s friends! Or yours.

The smell comment is very odd. I assume, as he leaves the house in a huff when you fall out and you think he goes to have sex with someone, these “smells” only bother him when it’s people coming into his house, which makes it sound like an excuse.

Again, together with your other thread - no wonder your son is worried about taking your other kids anywhere because "they might run off"
You're raising paranoid kids with a man like that. I know a couple of adults with paranoid parents like this - they're permanently anxious, scared of everything, don't go anywhere.

Do you not want to raise confident, secure kids?

He 100% has had something terrible happen to him - or someone he knows well. These are not normal things to say.

I'm really sorry for him of course but you are creating a situation where your children will be normalising this behaviour and then repeating it as adults - or doing the exact opposite and running as far away from this mess as they can as soon as they have the courage. This is really terrible.

@PurpleThistle7

It could be someone he knows well, but I’m 100% sure nothing has happened to him.

I am not bothered, the main thing is that our son can now have friends over.

You should be though that level of control around friendships and environment is not going to go well with high schooler/teenagers who want and need a far greater level of autonomy

What’s concerning is that your son is nine and you’re only now thinking to question your husbands controlling behaviour. The sad fact is this has probably already rubbed off on your son and the damage is done.

Only as long as his dad isn’t in the house.

Tou say you have no fear of your husband but on your other thread you did using “ringing Daddy” as a threat to your son, which suggests he may well be scared of him.

Your Number 1 priority is your children, followed by you.

And visiting his friends’ houses? He sounds like he is still blocking that.
Plus putting in unnecessary blocks - they smell, they need to be out by 6. Will he tell your son that and make the entire play date anxiety inducing for him?
It is all very strange, when mine were young there were other children round most nights!

This is really, really unsettling. Children know where they aren't wanted and it's actually worse to have his friends round in a toxic environment than to just not have play dates. What if something happens and your husband comes home early? What if someone breaks something or spills something? What if your son wants to offer his friend a snack? What if it rains and you go inside and your husband 'knows' and then stops speaking to everyone and goes to sleep with random strangers? I am really hoping this is some elaborate weird lie but am so afraid it isn't.

(Also why aren't you bothered by your husband's trauma? That's not very kind)

Don’t assume trauma.

Do assume a need for control. The OP says they’ve been going for counselling. I think it’s safe to assume there are other worrying/troublesome requirements from the husband. What’s causing them is another thing entirely.

DH dad had similar rules and it wasn’t about trauma it was all about control

Yes, that was my mother all over.

This is abusive!

Even if the husband is neurodivergent it is not an excuse he still has a duty to his children.

Absolutely. But dealing with an issue in an abusive situation Vs a neurodivergent one would be very different.