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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For letting my son go to his friends house

1000 replies

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

OP posts:
Moonlightexpress · 17/06/2025 08:57

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:43

To be honest with you, I haven’t even asked why he doesn’t want our son going over to friends house vice versa. If my son wants to go over to his friends houses, he can go I would never stop him, I remember as a child I would always go over to my friends house.

I do not allow my husband to dictate to me, neither will I allow him to stop my son having the best childhood.

To be honest with you, I haven’t even asked why he doesn’t want our son going over to friends house vice versa.
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ most ppl might give that a try, not sure why you want answers from mumsnet instead the man himself. You might end up in totally the wrong thought process. He's allowed to be worried about play dates , its his reaction that's not OK and yes you do need to ask him why so you know how to respond.

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 17/06/2025 08:58

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 07:59

@JosephGeorge

I am not divorcing him or leaving him, why would I? I love him and I would never ever break up our family.

Why would you leave him?
Because

  1. your son has anxiety because your husband makes him feel anxious about enjoying normal healthy activities like play dates
  2. your younger 2 will eventually also be damaged by your husband’s unreasonable controlling behaviour
  3. You say ‘every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else’ - this isn’t a normal response and suggests there is no trust in your marriage
  4. your excessive explanation/justification in your op about how and why your son went on a play date shows how you are being controlled. (For goodness sake, your kid went on a play date - it’s totally normal at his age and doesn’t need to be explained.)
  5. Your husband is an abusive weirdo

Raise your standards and protect your children.

MageQueen · 17/06/2025 09:04

Why would you leave him? well, even if you believe he's ot abusive, why would you stay with a man you believe is having sex with other women?

You are very passive. But that's probably becuase you don't even realise how he's worn you down.

OP, believe it or not, this is the first step. It might take you another 5 years before you finally realise this is completely unsustainable but I don't think it's a coincidence that your child is 11. He's the oldest right? So you're finally coming out of that period where it's simply all about the DC and you let pretty much everything go. And that's when the control and the abuse ramps up because until then, you weren't really doing things he didn't like. But now... now it's changing. You're letting the DC go to playdates or wanting to have people over. You might well start making friends with other parents and wanting to go out of an evening. Perhaps you'll take up a hobby or encourage the DC in a hobby that takes you out of the house a lot.

He won't like any of that.

Ddakji · 17/06/2025 09:08

Your husband may not have been abused as a child but I think his behaviour towards you at least is abusive.

You were very young when you married and I think you’ve simply been groomed into thinking this is what marriage is.

Are you and your husband from another culture?

TiggyTomCat · 17/06/2025 09:09

With a controlling father like that your child is barely surviving and definitely not thriving. Give your head wobble and realise the damage this is doing to your child.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 17/06/2025 09:19

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 08:00

I honestly don’t know why some men behave like this!

Most don't....what are you and @SpoonyCat doing to protect your children?

diddl · 17/06/2025 09:24

To be honest with you, I haven’t even asked why he doesn’t want our son going over to friends house vice versa.

JFC!

anytipswelcome · 17/06/2025 09:37

@SpoonyCat

My husband does this too. Our son isn't allowed to birthday parties or out with friends. My son just hides birthday invitations from school now because he knows his father won't let him go and doesn't want to rock the boat

Why are you allowing your husband to treat your son this way? You're a parent too, he doesn't get to unilaterally decide your son should have a damaging, limited experience of learning to socialise and build friendships outside of school.

Growing up walking on eggshells and managing the temper of a grown man he should feel loved and supported by, the poor boy.

anytipswelcome · 17/06/2025 09:41

I am not divorcing him or leaving him, why would I? I love him and I would never ever break up our family.

He doesn't love you very much does he? "Every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else."

Oh and this: “You know I don’t like people coming here, and once they’ve left I’ll even be able to fucking smell them." What does this even mean? Why would he smell them?

ZippyBrick · 17/06/2025 09:48

"every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else."

What? I'm confused, what makes you think he's sleeping with someone else?

Also, re abuse. It's a tough one, but having studied a related subject, many people live their whole lives without admitting to anyone - family, spouse, friends - they were abused so while I don't think people can just assume, in the majority of cases the abusee wouldn't tell their partner.

Rewis · 17/06/2025 09:50

People are assuming abuse because his stance is so messed up that severe trauma is the only logical explanation. If it is not abuse then he's being abusive. You say your not scared of him but you also say you've never asked?

Never2many · 17/06/2025 09:51

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 07:59

@JosephGeorge

I am not divorcing him or leaving him, why would I? I love him and I would never ever break up our family.

Well the question is, why wouldn’t you divorce him?

You are in an abusive relationship, and yes, storming out, coming back and giving the silent treatment while letting you believe he’s been sleeping with someone else is abusive.

He’s abusing your children, he’s denying them a childhood by preventing them from having friends. Your son is nine now, he’ll be off to secondary in two years and then he just won’t bother to come home if his friends aren’t allowed, he’ll just go to their houses without telling you where he is and you’ll be powerless to stop him.

If you stay with this man then clearly you’re in agreement with what he does or you wouldn’t still be there.

You’re actually worse than he is, because you have the power to stop this and you’re choosing not to.

Never2many · 17/06/2025 09:53

it actually doesn’t matter at this stage whether he was abused. He’s still abusive, and nothing he may or may not have been through in his childhood or elsewhere justifies that.

And tbh I wouldn’t jump to abuse, because he sounds like the kind of person who would make some up in order to get away with being an abusive prick.

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2025 10:09

SpoonyCat · 17/06/2025 07:47

My husband does this too. Our son isn't allowed to birthday parties or out with friends. My son just hides birthday invitations from school now because he knows his father won't let him go and doesn't want to rock the boat

Please don’t make this your child’s life. If you left they could go to parties and play with friends. By just accepting this you’re telling your child that the is behaviour is ok.

Fusedspur · 17/06/2025 10:22

He can SMELL them.

My ex husband would tell himself that he wanted our house to be the sort of place where kids could come and go from and be in and out of. In reality he hated every second of any visitors and would either go out or make everyone so uncomfortable that they left and didn’t come again. He couldn’t stand the sensory changes.

Gemmawemma9 · 17/06/2025 10:23

I’m glad you’re ignoring him. His behaviour is very bizarre. You need to take a stronger stance over him telling your son off for going to his friends OP. This is not on and I wouldn’t be happy. You may not be afraid of him but it sounds like your son is.

Agapornis · 17/06/2025 10:23

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5353767-for-not-listening-to-my-child
Your husband's weird attitude explains why your son is anxious and protective about the outside world in your other thread.

Fusedspur · 17/06/2025 10:32

And suddenly things were much clearer.

The husband has social anxiety, says No whenever child asks him for things or to do things and doesn’t like going out.

And the OP has NO IDEA why.

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/06/2025 10:36

Has anyone suggested that both DH and DS could be autistic? Or have some sort of other neurodivergency?

Fusedspur · 17/06/2025 10:44

Nah cos it’s bullshit.

Most of the time it’s pointing out the glaringly obvious. If ND was better spotted then there would be better diagnostics and support services. It’s not an excuse for being an arse, but it often IS an explanation for really quite clear behaviour. And in this case the OP’s husband’s rigid thinking, social anxiety, sensory issues and the fact that he’s always been like this. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, etc

ZippyBrick · 17/06/2025 10:46

Fusedspur · 17/06/2025 10:44

Nah cos it’s bullshit.

Most of the time it’s pointing out the glaringly obvious. If ND was better spotted then there would be better diagnostics and support services. It’s not an excuse for being an arse, but it often IS an explanation for really quite clear behaviour. And in this case the OP’s husband’s rigid thinking, social anxiety, sensory issues and the fact that he’s always been like this. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, etc

I'll take your educated response. Do you have clinical experience in this field?

jeaux90 · 17/06/2025 10:48

Well OP whatever you think is going on here what we can tell you is this…every time he storms out he is trying to control you, trying to condition you and punish you and not just you, he is teaching your son’s unhealthy relationship dynamics.

This is no way to bring up kids.

SUPerSaver721 · 17/06/2025 10:55

You made me laugh when you said he leaves the house and you think he sleeps with someone. Do you honestly think there is women just waiting to sleep with him. Life's not a soap opera. He storms out because he's abusive and thinks if he ignores you for a few hours comes home sleeps with his back to you you will just stop your argument and do as he wants. I bet you agree to whatever he says when he comes back. If I was you I would leave him. Not good for your kids or you to live like that.

DaisyChain505 · 17/06/2025 11:01

SpoonyCat · 17/06/2025 07:47

My husband does this too. Our son isn't allowed to birthday parties or out with friends. My son just hides birthday invitations from school now because he knows his father won't let him go and doesn't want to rock the boat

What’s ever more sad than your partners behaviour is that fact that you’re ok with standing by and letting this happen.

I wish women would raise the bar when it comes to the men they choose to stay in relationships with.

Your poor poor child is going to grow up to resent you both. Your partner for his disgusting controlling behaviour and you for staying with him.

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