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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For letting my son go to his friends house

1000 replies

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

OP posts:
Fusedspur · 17/06/2025 17:55

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/06/2025 17:43

Absolutely. But dealing with an issue in an abusive situation Vs a neurodivergent one would be very different.

I’m not convinced it is different. A different motivation perhaps but the upshot is the same

CleaningAngel · 17/06/2025 19:44

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Hardly surprising your son has anxiety problems will a bully of a father like that, poor boy must be petrified of him.
For the sake of your children leave this man, it's mental abuse

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 19:59

They came over, lovely evening. Mum is really nice, her son is too he encouraged my 3 year old to go and play with them which lovely considering he is 9 years of age.

I actually feel good that I’ve been around a new person and possibly will gain another friend.
They left at 5.45, I called my husband to tell them they’ve go home. He says he is not happy and he was walking the streets when he should have been in his own home preparing dinner, which is an exaggeration he wasn’t walking the streets and he had already prepared todays dinner this afternoon which we have not long finished eating.

He then when on to say, next time can I arrange for us to do something outside with the children, because he doesn’t want them here.

OP posts:
Fitasafiddle1 · 17/06/2025 20:04

It’s your home too op.

Fitasafiddle1 · 17/06/2025 20:04

He doesn’t get to decide who you see in your own home.

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 17/06/2025 20:09

Your husband is a dick you know that right?

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/06/2025 20:12

Utter madness and you are as bad as your twat of a husband for allowing this. .
Poor kids

SUPerSaver721 · 17/06/2025 20:12

Do either of you work?

UsernameMcUsername · 17/06/2025 20:21

He sounds insane. This is absolutely not normal.

anytipswelcome · 17/06/2025 20:24

OP you seem to be glossing over the absolutely toxic thing you mentioned - that when you argue, he leaves the house and then makes you believe he has shagged someone else?! Do you understand how unbelievably batshit that is?

Tartanboots · 17/06/2025 20:38

This is no way to live. Of course your child should be allowed to socialise. And you should be able to invite people over too. It's part of having kids, you can't keep them isolated. If your H is struggling with the idea, he needs help/ therapy.

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 20:59

anytipswelcome · 17/06/2025 20:24

OP you seem to be glossing over the absolutely toxic thing you mentioned - that when you argue, he leaves the house and then makes you believe he has shagged someone else?! Do you understand how unbelievably batshit that is?

It is my paranoia.

I am not letting him dictate to me.

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 21:00

SUPerSaver721 · 17/06/2025 20:12

Do either of you work?

No we don’t, I am a stay at home mum for the time being, but once my youngest is in nursery I will venture out.

OP posts:
Change9944 · 17/06/2025 21:05

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 21:00

No we don’t, I am a stay at home mum for the time being, but once my youngest is in nursery I will venture out.

Why doesn't he work?

ninjahamster · 17/06/2025 21:11

Hopefully this is the first of many play dates. Your husband is just going to have to get over his fears for the good of your children. How is he when you take them out to playgroups and soft play and things like that?
It is a shame he doesn’t work, that would give him a focus away from home.

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 21:12

Change9944 · 17/06/2025 21:05

Why doesn't he work?

Not to be rude, but it’s none of you business what he does and I don’t understand how you feel so comfortable asking why.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 17/06/2025 21:15

Bexause @MummyToMNandR there are so many red flags here and safeguarding concerns

LBFseBrom · 17/06/2025 21:16

The set up appears to be more and more bizarre by the minute.

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 21:16

ninjahamster · 17/06/2025 21:11

Hopefully this is the first of many play dates. Your husband is just going to have to get over his fears for the good of your children. How is he when you take them out to playgroups and soft play and things like that?
It is a shame he doesn’t work, that would give him a focus away from home.

He was fine with it, our 3 year old has been in full time nursery since age 2, he’ll be 4 at the end of the year.

First of all he wasn’t too keen on him going at such a young age, I used to take him to groups and he would cry all the way home because he wanted to stay there, that’s why I decided to put him in nursery full time, our son loves it and my husband even said it himself that it’s the best place for him.

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · 17/06/2025 21:18

So neither of you work but your 3 year old
is in nursery full time
How the heck do you afford that
Im intrigued

noctilucentcloud · 17/06/2025 21:26

OP I'm glad that your son had his friend round tonight. This doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic for you or the children though. I'm glad you pushed back but your husbands behaviour could really affect your children long-term. Your children and you don't deserve huffy demands or guilt-trips from your husband / their dad. This is not normal. You need to really establish that they will have visitors / play dates as and when. It is yours and their home too and he shouldn't dictate and prevent what is a normal part of childhood.

BakelikeBertha · 17/06/2025 21:29

Yet another poster who posts in AIBU and then gets in a huff with anyone who tells her what she doesn't want to hear, and then gets shirty with anyone who asks questions that they think might help give a better picture of the situation, asking them what right they have to ask. RIDICULOUS! She's obviously not going to do anything about the way her husband is behaving, and the effects that this will have on her kids.

Ddakji · 17/06/2025 21:39

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 21:12

Not to be rude, but it’s none of you business what he does and I don’t understand how you feel so comfortable asking why.

It’s a public forum. You’ve started a post. If you want people to reply helpfully you need to give them the facts, whether you like those facts or not.

ResidentPorker · 17/06/2025 21:39

Fucking hell OP this is a mess. You say you’d never leave your husband: aren’t you concerned about his controlling behaviour making your son ill?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/06/2025 21:41

Disgraceful to allow the children grow up in this environment.
If you're not going to leave, then get tough, force change, otherwise you will ruin your children's childhood, leaving them with irreversible damage to their life forever.

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