For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

And you are allowing this to happen?

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

No bloody wonder the kid has anxiety!

I don't know why some women allow men like this near their children.

To be honest with you, I haven’t even asked why he doesn’t want our son going over to friends house vice versa.

You haven’t asked him? Well that’s not normal. Clearly you are in a house with poor communication. I feel sorry for your son.

This is so devastatingly sad

Why would you ? Because your poor son can’t even play with a friends for an hour but is scolded .cant you see that’s messing with his head . Sort this out op for your kids or you are just as bad as your husband .

There are normally plenty of mums on here who don’t allow play dates or anyone to have unsupervised with their kids. I think it’s very odd and restrictive but your husband is not alone.

So you’re allowing your children to grow up in an abusive household. If you’re not prepared to protect your children then you’re as bad as him.

your child’s anxiety is because of his dad’s behaviour and I bet this thread only scratches the surface.

There is no way in hell your husband is an otherwise reasonable good father and husband. I can say quite easily that I am sure he’s an absolute arsehole of a man and this is actually an ltb situation.

Why are you letting your son grow up with such a cruel and mean dad? Why are you not advocating for your child ?? 🤯

Is this in the UK? Are you and your husband from a different culture?

I don’t know the point of this post either. You don’t want to change anything, you aren’t going to leave him. Your children will leave the house the second they are old enough - or before - and it will be terrible. You are living with an abusive bully who is ruining his children’s childhood and your poor children are suffering.

My husband is an introvert who loves having a quiet house. So we do… sometimes. And sometimes we have 10 children running around and a birthday party and host a bbq for 20 people. He takes my children to their friend’s houses and makes small talk at the side of the football pitch and is a reasonable human who knows how to compromise for the best of his family. It’s totally fine to prefer quiet and to enjoy time as a family, but it’s not normal to go sleep around if this doesn’t happen.

making your child apologise for ‘your’ decision to allow a play date is possibly the worst thing in this post. Take ownership of being an adult and stop putting your child in this position. That’s just awful.

and you are wondering why you have an anxious son...

You have three children with this man.

just … why??? 😩

Nuts.

You must know it's not normal for a 9 year old never to have been to a friend's hour or a party. At lesat now you have stood up to your husband on behalf of your son and tell him he 'will' be going to his friend's and any parties he wishes to go to in the future. And that would mean the same for his other two sons who are still too young to know any different.

Your son's anxiety will only get worse if you allow him to be 'scared' of visiting his friends/going to parties and it will seriously impact his twee/teen years.

As for friends coming to yours - your husband will just have to be out if he doesn't like it. My dad used to often escape the house if I had friends round - he died when I was a teenager so didn't experience it too much - my mum enjoyed it so always enxouraged me to invite friends over so it wasn't too bad (my dad was pretty controlling though, and he was very anxious himself - as an adult I can see it more than I could as a child).

You really do have a DH problem, and him going out to sulk and coming back and sleeping facing the wall, childish behaviour.

You need to ask him why he is like this - anxiety, previous experience, what. Maybe he went to a friend's house as a child and something bad happened?

I'm loathed to blame women for any man's shortcomings but men behave like this because too many women tolerate it. Well done for putting your foot down about the playdate after school. Hope your DS has a lovely time!

You both have a responsibility to protect your children from these men.

PS: You saying you won't leave him - why? Take you kids and go far away so they can enjoy a normal childhood. It's not breaking up the family, your husband has already done that.

OP, your husband is strange. But I also think it is extremely odd of you not to ask why he doesn't trust people as this isn't normal, unless he has his reasons .

Why haven't you asked him ???

your husband is abusive and controlling and it's affecting you and your son in the form of anxiety, you owe it to yourself and your children to end this marriage

You haven't explained why you think he's having sex with other women

Your husband's is behaving like a split child sulking

Spoilt

“He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there”

And you are OK with him laying down the law like this? How are your children to grow up and make normal social relationships, if they’re never allowed to have friends outside school? The summer holidays must be very long in your house - most DC socialise with their mates, and by the time they’re teenagers they spend a lot of their time in and out of each other’s houses in my experience. How wil, your DH react when they get older? As for bringing home girlfriends - I assume you used to go round to DH’s house before you were married - perhaps,you should remind him of this.