For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

@MummyToMNandR

quite right, OP! You get cracking. All these other women on here are terrible wives expecting their husbands to do anything for themselves! The mind boggles doesn’t it?!

OP, part of the reasoning behind wanting to see your DH find and work with a therapist of his own choosing, is that it shows intent and commitment.

If you find his therapist, if it doesn't pan out, it may fall back on you.

Have you tried Better Help? I have had therapy through there and you can choose your therapist (or they assign one and you can swap if you’re not happy) and I had a black upper middle aged lady therapist.

Thank you

That is what people fail to understand, he wants to work with someone he can relate to, he does want to get the help.

Is he unable to use a computer?

Ok but if he wants that, why isn’t he actively looking himself for the right counsellor? He is the best placed person to pick a suitable one for his wants and needs. But he clearly isn’t that motivated to change as he’s asked you to sort it out instead!

@MummyToMNandR

What exactly does your DH do to show you he loves / respects / appreciates you?

What has he done since you gave him the ultimatum of therapy or you leave, to show that he is taking you seriously? Because putting conditions on who he will accept as a therapist, whilst making you do all the research is not a sign that he takes you seriously or respects you.

“I’m his wife, it’s what wives do” is such a climb down from “get therapy or I’m leaving”. Neither of you are serious people.

He's got money. He doesn't work and there is little indication he does much all day.

To add to the chorus @MummyToMNandR why can't this grown man find his own therapist?

So you do allow him to dictate what happens with your children.

This relationship is messed up. Your boys think that’s how to be a parent/partner. You are doing no favours by staying with him.

It's irrelevant, I will find her/him for him. It's not a question of why can't he do it himself.

I just don't understand these irrelevant questions, I have a lot of time on my hands as well during the day, so doing the search will give me something to do.

And, I think that you are all forgetting that I am the one who suggested it to him, so why would I then say to him "Go online and find someone"

I AM staying with him, and that's that!

He has agreed to therapy and he WILL be attending.

Whereas he’s busy all day is he?

How does he fill an average weekday, out of interest? Considering he doesn’t work, what does he do to enrich you and your children’s lives each day other than financially contributing?

It’s a shame you didn’t put your foot down like that over your poor son’s school trip isn’t it? Poor little thing.

To be honest with you, it's irrelevant and really none of your business.

I never once told you that he sat at home all day, because he doesn't, I am not willing to discuss this with you because you're just being very nosy.

I have never known another woman to be interested in a strangers husbands life.

That's all forgotten about now, there will be plenty of other school trips. They have at least one school outing a month, this is the only one that he hasn't attended.

My husband said he will put an air-tag in his blazer next time just incase of anything.

It isn't irrelevant because it makes no sense. If you select his therapist and it doesn't work out (as I suspect will happen anyway) he can blame you for choosing the "wrong" one. If he does the selecting, not so easy. Can't you see that?

I ask, yet again, how does your DH show he respects / appreciates / loves you, and is taking your ultimatum seriously?

It absolutely is a question of why he can't do it himself. If he can't be bothered to research one then he clearly isn't going to attend. It's laughable that you don't think it's relevant.

I think you think being a wife means being some sort of unpaid PA.

Do you wipe his arse for him as well?

You keep posting your horrific family life here and making it people's business.

I am going to check-out now, I will let you know once my husband has started therapy, it's pretty much pointless me still being here.

I do appreciate all those that have taken the time to offer advice without malice.

Bye for now.

Probably best not to update to be honest because if people don’t say what you want, you lash out in a very childish and odd way.

Your family dynamic is unhealthy, unhappy and toxic.

I hope that changes but it will require you to be less defensive and blind to the damage you and your husband are doing.

Best of luck.

You'll be back OP, as you're addicted to arguing with us all.

Your friend (whose word you take notice of) pointed out that you had been rude to the people on MN that had tried to help and advise you, and you came on here and apologised, but here you are again, telling us we're being nosy when we ask questions which might help us to help you.

All I can say is God help your children, because someone needs to!

Your son won’t have forgotten. Poor thing.

Just had to say - wild thread OP

Hmm. Your typing comes across like someone who doesn’t have English as a first language at times, yet you’re white british?

be careful this doesn’t get picked up though as I can’t imagine there are many mixed race families; with three boys of the same age group as yours living in mansions next to Hyde Park.