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For letting my son go to his friends house

1000 replies

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 30/06/2025 14:53

He doesn’t work.

He doesn’t have a busy social life.

He doesn’t even do school runs.

Why can’t HE look online for a counsellor that fits HIS brief?

awkwardasfuck · 30/06/2025 14:55

anytipswelcome · 30/06/2025 14:53

He doesn’t work.

He doesn’t have a busy social life.

He doesn’t even do school runs.

Why can’t HE look online for a counsellor that fits HIS brief?

I never thought I'd find a way to replicate the joy of relentlessly beating one's head off a brick wall

Then I found this thread

LBFseBrom · 30/06/2025 15:07

I don't think it will be at all difficult to find a mature, black woman therapist in London, Mummy. Have a good look online and see who is around in your area, they often post photographs of themselves.. Look at what their experience and specialties are and what groups they belong to, ie reputable psychotherapy,counselling organisations such as the Westminster Pastoral Foundation, or a charity like MIND or Cruse; some may be employed part time with the NHS. All these factors build a picture of the sort of person they are before you meet, and then it is important that therapist and client 'gel'.

You are both moving in the right direction and that is marvellous.

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 16:28

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/06/2025 14:50

Are you Nigerian?

Hi,

No I am not Nigerian, I am White British. I guess you are familiar with the culture within the Nigerians and Caribbeans referring to elders as Auntie & Uncle.

OP posts:
Change9944 · 30/06/2025 16:32

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 16:28

Hi,

No I am not Nigerian, I am White British. I guess you are familiar with the culture within the Nigerians and Caribbeans referring to elders as Auntie & Uncle.

Why is he determined to have a black therapist ?

anytipswelcome · 30/06/2025 16:50

anytipswelcome · 30/06/2025 14:53

He doesn’t work.

He doesn’t have a busy social life.

He doesn’t even do school runs.

Why can’t HE look online for a counsellor that fits HIS brief?

Thoughts on this Op?

What is his / your reasoning for you having to be the one to find the counsellor that satisfies his criteria?

He’s certainly not too busy to look.

Does he just not care enough about the effect his behaviour will have on the children to take the initiative?

BakelikeBertha · 30/06/2025 16:52

anytipswelcome · 30/06/2025 14:53

He doesn’t work.

He doesn’t have a busy social life.

He doesn’t even do school runs.

Why can’t HE look online for a counsellor that fits HIS brief?

I was just coming on to say the same thing. I think OP, that you should tell him to look for his own counsellor if he's that fussy, but that you still expect him to do it, otherwise you'll be leaving and taking the boys with you.

He obviously has no intention of getting help, and is just fobbing you off, by putting obstacles in the way, but I dare say you'll make excuses for him, and will still be living like this, and putting your boys through it, until they are either as weird as their father, or decide they've had enough and walk away. Please prove me wrong, you and your boys deserve better!

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:00

Change9944 · 30/06/2025 16:32

Why is he determined to have a black therapist ?

Can you please read back a few of my posts

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:30

BakelikeBertha · 30/06/2025 16:52

I was just coming on to say the same thing. I think OP, that you should tell him to look for his own counsellor if he's that fussy, but that you still expect him to do it, otherwise you'll be leaving and taking the boys with you.

He obviously has no intention of getting help, and is just fobbing you off, by putting obstacles in the way, but I dare say you'll make excuses for him, and will still be living like this, and putting your boys through it, until they are either as weird as their father, or decide they've had enough and walk away. Please prove me wrong, you and your boys deserve better!

We can be as fussy as we like when it comes to getting him the right therapist, please remember that he has to pay, and therapy can be very expensive they charge by the hour.

And he wants a Black therapist because he is Black himself, and he wants them to be older so he can relate to them as an Auntie/Uncle. I do not understand why anyone would have an issue with his criteria.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 30/06/2025 17:33

@MummyToMNandR can I ask did you post a few years ago when you just had the one child with a different username with lobster in it as a name?

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:34

LBFseBrom · 30/06/2025 15:07

I don't think it will be at all difficult to find a mature, black woman therapist in London, Mummy. Have a good look online and see who is around in your area, they often post photographs of themselves.. Look at what their experience and specialties are and what groups they belong to, ie reputable psychotherapy,counselling organisations such as the Westminster Pastoral Foundation, or a charity like MIND or Cruse; some may be employed part time with the NHS. All these factors build a picture of the sort of person they are before you meet, and then it is important that therapist and client 'gel'.

You are both moving in the right direction and that is marvellous.

Thank you so much, I appreciate your kind comment.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/06/2025 17:39

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 16:28

Hi,

No I am not Nigerian, I am White British. I guess you are familiar with the culture within the Nigerians and Caribbeans referring to elders as Auntie & Uncle.

Is he Nigerian?

LBFseBrom · 30/06/2025 17:51

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:34

Thank you so much, I appreciate your kind comment.

Since I wrote that I have heard the WPF have closed after more than fifty years. Just thought I would tell you as I mentioned them. They were very good and many practising therapists will have trained and worked with them.

Google is your friend, you will both find a selection of people. I perfectly understand why your husband would want someone with whom he'd feel at home (& I am sure he realises things don't always work out that way, but worth a try :)).

Good luck and keep us up to date.

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 30/06/2025 17:51

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:30

We can be as fussy as we like when it comes to getting him the right therapist, please remember that he has to pay, and therapy can be very expensive they charge by the hour.

And he wants a Black therapist because he is Black himself, and he wants them to be older so he can relate to them as an Auntie/Uncle. I do not understand why anyone would have an issue with his criteria.

No one has said they've an issue with the criteria for a therapist. The question is... why isn't he finding his own therapist?

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:52

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/06/2025 17:39

Is he Nigerian?

No he is Caribbean

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:53

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 30/06/2025 17:51

No one has said they've an issue with the criteria for a therapist. The question is... why isn't he finding his own therapist?

I do not understand why you are asking me this?

As his wife I will find him/her for him, why do you have an issue with that?

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 30/06/2025 17:54

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:30

We can be as fussy as we like when it comes to getting him the right therapist, please remember that he has to pay, and therapy can be very expensive they charge by the hour.

And he wants a Black therapist because he is Black himself, and he wants them to be older so he can relate to them as an Auntie/Uncle. I do not understand why anyone would have an issue with his criteria.

Nobody has an issue with the criteria, I don’t think.

What me and others have asked is why on earth it’s up to you to find someone who meets his criteria, when he has no job, doesn’t do the regular school runs and doesn’t have a busy social life.

So why is that?

awkwardasfuck · 30/06/2025 17:57

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:53

I do not understand why you are asking me this?

As his wife I will find him/her for him, why do you have an issue with that?

Because he should do his own research. Your not his mummy. It's gross.

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 30/06/2025 18:10

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:53

I do not understand why you are asking me this?

As his wife I will find him/her for him, why do you have an issue with that?

Banghead GIF by Ant Hodges

I don't have an issue Confused do you really not understand why people are asking why he can't find his own therapist?
Why is it your job as a wife?

Someone said earlier, but this thread is.... 🧱😖

BuckChuckets · 30/06/2025 18:10

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:53

I do not understand why you are asking me this?

As his wife I will find him/her for him, why do you have an issue with that?

Are you actually taking the piss now? 😂

waxymoron · 30/06/2025 18:10

Bless him. Poor man might have to do something that doesn't involve being cross, storming out, 'smelling' people who have had the audacity to be in their home and denying his kids a normal childhood.

If my husband asked me to find him a medicial practitioner of any sort and lay down criteria and instructions whilst he sat there doing nothing , I'd just laugh- or think he'd lost the plot.

This is the oddest family I've ever read about and I've read some dark fiction

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/06/2025 18:22

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:52

No he is Caribbean

Things are becoming MUCH clearer, now. You ought to have led with that, tbh. He’s still abusive, but there’s cultural context that was missing and those of us who understand said cultural context could have given much better advice if we’d been aware.

Not sure it’s much use now. This has been a truly exhausting thread.

ETA: also, I’m genuinely surprised to hear you’re White British, as that’s not how you write.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/06/2025 18:23

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:53

I do not understand why you are asking me this?

As his wife I will find him/her for him, why do you have an issue with that?

Because he’s an adult 🤷🏼‍♀️

IchiNiSanShiGo · 30/06/2025 18:39

MummyToMNandR · 30/06/2025 17:53

I do not understand why you are asking me this?

As his wife I will find him/her for him, why do you have an issue with that?

Because if you gave him the ultimatum you said you were going to - therapy or you’d leave - HE should be the one making the effort to improve, and that effort should include finding his own very specific bloody therapist.

I take it you did give him the ultimatum?

Tcateh · 30/06/2025 18:48

Just a gift that keeps on giving

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