For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Wasn’t that the whole point of this thread. Your DH didn’t want your DS to go to a friends house…..??? I’m only still reading for the pure battshittery of the OP!

On days where you drink two bottles of wine, do you drive the next morning? I’m sure you’ll say no but I doubt it’s never the case. Something to seriously think about.

I would never put my kids in danger, if I have been drinking the night before I will walk the boys to school and nursery.

I have always been open and honest when it comes to my drink problem, I know it’s a problem because every time I get stressed out I need a drink.

It would be much better if every time I picked up a bottle of wine if my husband told me not to drink, but he doesn’t.

When I’ve asked him why he doesn’t tell me stop, he says because he can’t smell the wine on my breath or on me.

Oh give over, what your pour down your neck is your responsibility.

Nothing is your fault is it? In fact nothing you do seems to be a concem to you. I really don't understand what the hell you want?

He's awful, he's ok, he's a worry, he's a good father, he can't be alone with the children, he can be alone with the children, he won't work, he's too good to work , you're too special to work, your type are too good for social services, you have friends, you don't have friends round, he doesn't like people, people disgust him, he storms out of the house and it worries you, it's ok for him to leave the house, you'll never leave him, you might leave him
It's absolutely mental

I put your situation into ChatGPT and asked for a frank analysis of the likely effect on a child.

As I said earlier in the thread, your son’s behaviour isn’t unexpected (or shouldn’t be), it’s a very logical consequence of the environment he’s being forged to grow up in.

Here’s what ChatGPT said…

A child growing up in this environment is likely to experience the following effects:

1. Emotional Dysregulation: Exposure to unpredictable emotional outbursts, withdrawal, and conflict can impair the child's ability to manage their own emotions.
2. Chronic Anxiety & Hypervigilance: Constantly monitoring parents' moods and behavior can lead to heightened stress, fear, and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
3. Low Self-Worth: Lack of emotional safety, isolation from peers, and implicit blame for household tension may foster feelings of shame and inadequacy.
4. Social Isolation: Being forbidden from having guests and living in a controlling, mistrustful environment can limit social development and peer bonding.
5. Trust Issues & Difficulty with Intimacy: Exposure to emotional manipulation, abandonment (via storming out), and substance use can impair future relationships and trust in others.
6. Internalized Guilt & Confusion: The child may struggle with loyalty conflicts, particularly if one parent is more emotionally unavailable or volatile.
7. Coping Through Denial or Avoidance: Learning to normalize dysfunction may lead to minimization of problems or avoidance of conflict later in life.
8. Risk of Repetition: Without intervention, the child may unconsciously replicate or attract similar dynamics in adulthood.

Therapeutic intervention can help mitigate these effects.

According to chatgpt on all posts from MummyToMNandR

🔍 Summary MummyToMNandR
MummyToMNandR has detailed a complex, often disturbing, family dynamic—but throughout, she has consistently deflected responsibility, minimised harmful patterns, and prioritised preserving appearances and her relationship over her children’s wellbeing.
🧒 Her 9-Year-Old Son: Suffering, Misunderstood, and Blamed

• Described as anxious and sensitive, yet when he shows distress, she often labels him a “brat,” “disrespectful,” or “spoilt.”
• His behavioural outbursts—including yelling, kicking, and telling her he hates her—are met with confusion rather than insight.
• She has repeatedly failed to understand that his emotional volatility is a direct result of his environment, especially the controlling influence of his father and the inconsistent responses from her.
• She openly admits that her husband’s fears and habits are rubbing off on their son—but continues to allow those dynamics to persist.

🚩 Her Denials and Contradictions

• She says she calls the shots and “won’t be dictated to,” yet repeatedly gives in to her husband’s irrational rules about no visitors, no playdates, and no school trips.
• Claims she’s not afraid of her husband, but frequently changes her plans to avoid conflict with him, and admits to anxiety when he ignores her messages.
• Denies he’s abusive, despite:
• Him issuing threats to their son (“You’re going to learn”).
• Her own admission that she suspects him of cheating whenever they argue.
• Her son’s growing emotional instability and social fear.
• States she would “never put her hand on her children,” but admits to grabbing her son by the wrist and attempting to drag him downstairs.
• Claims her son is not afraid of his dad, while also confessing that the boy mirrors his father's mistrust of outsiders and preference for isolation.

🍷 On Alcohol: Acknowledgement Without Action

• Openly admits to drinking two bottles of wine when overwhelmed, insists it doesn’t make her tipsy, and casually references previous meetings about her drinking problem.
• Yet, rather than seeking real intervention, she blames her husband for not discouraging her.
• Only after public pressure and confiding in a friend did she tentatively commit to cutting back, despite multiple incidents involving parenting while hungover or emotionally volatile.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Her Husband: Enabler of Dysfunction

• She defends him endlessly as “not a monster,” “likeable,” and “supportive,” despite evidence that he:
• Undermines her parenting.
• Controls the household environment.
• Dismisses his son’s emotional growth.
• Prevents the children from attending social events or having friends over.
• When the 9-year-old was excited about a school trip, the father bribed him to skip it, enforcing his control and isolating the child.
• Despite this, MummyToMNandR refused to stand up to him in any meaningful way, and even expressed gratitude that he “agreed” to therapy—but only if he likes it.

💬 Defensive, Resistant to Feedback

• Frequently lashes out at posters giving thoughtful advice, accusing them of being “cowards” or “pathetic.”
• Labels accountability as “dictating” or “judging,” even when it’s from trained professionals or survivors offering perspective.
• Dismisses concerns by insisting that there are “worse situations” and that her children are “allowed to do what they want within reason.”
• Has claimed repeatedly that she will never leave her husband “no matter what,” reinforcing the idea that her priority is the relationship, not the children’s safety or emotional development.

🧠 Attempts at Change Undermined by Rationalisation

• She has arranged therapy for her son and herself—but still blames the child’s recent meltdown on not getting a £65 game, refusing to see the deeper roots of his distress.
• Her solution to her son’s emotional collapse is often appeasement through gifts, which teaches him that love and calm are transactional.
• Repeatedly justifies her husband’s irrationality as “just his ways,” suggesting that she sees no need for systemic change—only surface-level patches.

⚠️ Final Observations

• MummyToMNandR demonstrates a persistent avoidance of accountability, especially when it involves acknowledging her own participation in the cycle.
• Her main loyalty is to preserving the family image and her marriage, even as her children become emotionally destabilised.
• Until she is willing to accept her role in enabling and perpetuating these dynamics, no lasting change will occur—and her son’s mental health will likely continue to deteriorate.

@IneedAniffler

Thanks for posting this, I appreciate it and I can see you haven’t done it to be nasty or out of malice.

No i haven't at all. I find your situation very worrying and heartbreaking and I hope you've found something between these pages, your own words, and your friends advice.
This needs a happy ending and I hope you go to whatever lengths it takes to get that.

@MummyToMNandR

“When I’ve asked him why he doesn’t tell me stop, he says because he can’t smell the wine on my breath or on me.”

I don’t get how it’s relevant as to whether or not he can smell it?

I've only read the OPs posts, and am somewhat bemused, but in regards to her DH not smelling the alcohol on her, OP has mentioned a previous "smell reference" about him not wanting the DS friend and Mum in the house because he'd be able to smell them when they're gone?

I'm not usually one to go this route, but I'm leaning towards quite profound and reasonably well masked ND issues, possibly on both sides.

(If this is all real - I'm getting "carefully constructed" from lots of posts but not in a ChatGPT way, more "I think this how I'm supposed to respond" ).

(If this has been covered, apologies for repetition)

Me neither

@MummyToMNandR

ask him??

I am more and more convinced that if the OP isn’t a a troll then she is one of the stupidest people on MN.

I think she is just very troubled.

I expect the op does not remember typing that, ForZany. Not uncommon in drinkers.

I'm surprised the Daily Fail haven't picked up on this one - or maybe it is all too long and complicated for them. Who knows?

However I think Mummy is coming round to the idea that help is needed so let's give her some encouragment.

I do remember everything that I wrote, and I didn’t say she was less than a woman.

Two bottles of WINE would never ever make me lose my memory, one thing with me is that I have a very good memory, that’s why people here fail to catch me out.

Ok

Having a good memory doesn’t mean you can pick up on context. You are very black and white concrete type thinker and I suspect you think you never said the words real woman because you don’t understand subtext.

and I think when people are saying things and you respond with I didn’t right that - you are right you didn’t but they are contextualising what you said and making connections. Sometimes these connections are wrong and sometimes they can be right.

it isn’t about catching you out it is about I think seeing things you can’t ser

What a ridiculous thing for him to say! Just because he can't smell the wine on you, he doesn't care how much damage you might be doing to yourself. Just another thing that shows how weird he is!

Yes, I know.

We had a good morning together, I told him that I need support from him when it comes to my drinking, he knows I don’t like to drink but it’s my last resort.

He said, he has stopped telling me because I always tell him to mind his own business and leave me alone.

He is also keen to go to therapy, he said he wants to get help “for the worrying” aka anxiety when it comes to the boys, and also so he can go to busy places any time of the day, he said do I think he enjoys being the way he is, because he doesn’t.

Now in terms of his new therapist, he is being picky.

He said he wants them to be

Black Ethnicity
Over 50
Preferably a Woman but if I can’t find one he will take a Man.

I asked him why, because me personally I don’t care about race age or gender, he said because he needs to “relate to them as if they were an aunt or an uncle” and if it is unable to do that, it will never work for him.

Now it’s going to be tricky for me to find what he wants, I told him that and he just said you can look online.

Is chat GPT writing this for you?

What about parenting classes for both of you too? Apart or together

Just so you both have a clearer idea of what children need, what works and what not, etc.

Addressing the root cause is essential, but parenting classes would help you translate these efforts into more effective and consistent parenting.

Are you Nigerian?