For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Gosh and I wonder why he has developed anxiety 🤔😒

Honestly OP people are accusing you of being a troll because you don’t actually properly respond to anyone’s questions or the points they make except to bare deny them and you then keep coming back to the post with odd and conflicting stories.

One minute you’d never leave your husband, the next you need a break from him and his behaviour and want to take your one year old. One minute life after school was fine, the next your husband is missing and not answering his phone. One minute you’re defending his behaviour, the next fuelling everyone’s opinion you should leave him by giving further examples in real time of his abuse.

It’s very very confusing and difficult to understand why you want advice when you’re closed off to all the advice you’re getting, don’t respond appropriately to it and then, despite getting defensive about what a good man your husband is and what a good family life you have, you come back to then tell us in the next breath all these situations that arise indicating the opposite.

Before you next post, actually read and understand what people are saying and respond. No more ignoring the 100s of similarly minded pps to just tell us more tales of woe!!

@MummyToMNandR

I think you’re directing your anger at people in this thread when it’s really anger at things going on with your situation.

I hope you’re able to get a break and hopefully see that something needs to change.

As has already been said dozens of times, the family dynamics and behaviour isn’t ok and will have negative effects on your children for the rest of their lives and shape their future relationships if you don’t act soon.

Therapy for you and your children is so needed.

Sorry I was just really stressed out last night and people accusing me of trolling just didn’t help.

I’ve spoken to my husband, I told him that I need a short break and if he wants a break himself my mum will look after the boys.

He was fine with it, I told him I’m still annoyed with what he done to our son, he just said there will be more trips.

It’s Saturday today and I haven’t even made any plans to take the boys out, but I will as I’m not staying in the house with them, my husband probably won’t want to join us on what we decide to do.

I am just not happy right now 😞

Where are you or him going then to get some space? Sounds like you’re still just all at home!

I know you’ve explained why you’re not working because of your youngest but I think you should encourage your husband to work even if he doesn’t financially need to. It might expose him to other people, give him things to focus on outside micromanaging the family dynamic and policing guests at the door. Sounds like he has a very narrow focus at the moment and getting on top of each other in the same house all the time without any outside perspective or distraction is toxic.

Why can’t he work for the fun of it and just save the cash he makes if he doesn’t need to spend it?

You really need to think what is best for your DC. Splitting up is hard but in this instance your DC’s life in the house with your DH is not great. Maybe the break away will help you see this

I don’t know yet and of course we are all still at home, I am going out for the day soon and I’ll make plans when I get home this evening.

I am not going to encourage my husband to go to work, why would I? If he wanted to work he’d get himself a job.

I know you’re trying to help, but comments like that are not needed.

@MummyToMNandR

because work and being around people might give your husband some much needed perspective. He sounds like he’s got very insular, living in his own bubble with you and the kids. Work would give him something else to focus on and perhaps challenge his thinking a bit.

What does a usual day look like for your DH @MummyToMNandR

Please stop getting defensive any time someone makes a suggestion.

Ultimately, it’s clearly not working and you’ve said you won’t countenance leaving. So I’m trying to make a constructive suggestion as to how you might be able to stay together and improve your experience.

If you’re unwilling to change anything at all and everyone is vilified for making well intentioned suggestions then carry on pretending for a few days until you can’t anymore and then argue, move out, ship the kids off to your mother for some “space”, drink two bottles of wine and then start again from pretending. Because that’s what you’re doing now!

Ive read all your posts @MummyToMNandR and I do feel that your own therapy here will help you much more than posting on MN.

You sound stressed out, tired and understandably defensive if anyone questions you. Nobody likes being questioned or accused of things by strangers, another reason to look into a therapist who is there in a professional capacity and can discuss things as and when you're ready to discuss them, and without judgement.

You’ve got plenty of money and you are unhappy about a number of things in your life. You are concerned about your son’s behaviour. You said you know your husband’s behaviour is strange and you also find it upsetting and annoying.

Why haven’t you engaged a counsellor for at least yourself and your son, even if your husband (presumably) wouldn’t engage with therapy?

It might help you see how troubling your family dynamic is and the effect it’s having on your son. Is that perhaps why you’re resistant to doing it? Because you know really that they’ll tell you your husband’s behaviour is unhealthy and bad for the kids?

Yes I have sorted out therapy for me and my son. I do need to speak to someone and I need to stop drinking as well.

I just don’t like the fact that people here are dictating to me “you should tell your husband to get a job” I don’t know who they think they are.

Thank you for your comment I appreciate it.

Thank you for your comment and for being understanding.

I am heading out now, with my eldest and youngest, our three year old is going to stay with my husbands mum for the weekend.

OP ‘what do you think I should do about this?’
poster suggestions
OP ‘who do you think you are telling me to do things?’ 🙄

People who are incredibly concerned for your children, even though we don't know them. I think that you need to start being a bit more concerned for them. Your husband needs some serious help.

I am not going to tell you what you should do but I think you, yourself, know what that is and it sounds as though, by seeking therapy, you are taking steps in the right direction. However your children are young, your nine year old needs a new direction soon so please don't take too long about it.

Everyone on here has your best interests at heart, Mummy.

Then what the fuck does he do all day?

Morning: rise and shine, tell my son to ignore his mother's attempts to parent him or else he'll learn
Midday: sniff around the house on all fours for signs of intruders
Afternoon: applaud son for insulting a visiting friend and someone who is doing a job for you. Extra credit for kicking mum. Have a new game
Evening: blame wife for all problems and dissappear for hours. Be unreachable to teach her a lesson
Night-time: put son off doing normal things the next day. Sleep aggressively with back to wife.

Get a good night's sleep to hit the ground running on more batshit balls to the wall prick behaviour tomorrow! It's a hard life

I wouldn't trust the pair of you to look after a hamster let alone children.

Even the super rich who don’t need to work don’t sit around all day everyday doing nothing

They go out to work, do charitable work, start a new venture. Pretty much anything to keep their mind and body working

Whilst you are thinking that work is beneath you just remember that the way you live is a mental health Red Flag and it’s only a matter of time if you don’t change or your dh doesn’t change that this lifestyle will catch up with one or both of you

No good having a ton of money if you can’t remember you have it. It will though pay for a good care home.

I never once said that I don’t go out during the day, I could never sit at home all day.

I do give money to charity and donate the boys old clothes and toys etc, I am very generous when it comes to giving.

Work is NOT beneath me, I am a mother of three, I enjoy taking them to nursery/school and collecting them at the end of the day.

My husband also doesn’t sit at home all day, he goes and visits friends and family and he did actually have a job with a family member before.

So he visits his family but can’t be expected to look after his own family, ie his children?

You obviously don’t enjoy being a mother because you have your 3 year old in full time nursery and have said you couldn’t leave your husband because you couldn’t cope with your children. But equally they sound very spoilt so perhaps that’s why.

Are his family all layabouts as well?

It's almost funny: OP- please help me with some advice Everyone: here's some advice OP: how dare you give me advice. You're all beneath me

Today has been a good day on a whole, although there was one minor hiccup.

Before leaving the house, I always tell my son to grab something that is going to keep him entertained in the car and also to use the toilet.

30 minutes into our journey, my 9 year old said he needed to go to the toilet, I asked him why he didn’t to before leaving the house, he said because I was rushing him out of the house, which I didn’t, but he still managed to bring his games console with us.

I said I would stop and let him out, bearing in mind we were on the motorway, and I’m sorry I wasn’t turning round and driving back home and be wont use certain bathrooms.

Once he got back in the car, he claimed that he felt embarrassed and I had embarrassed because he is not “dog” I told him to stop being silly, that was that.

We were going to a shopping centre, I need to get all three boys some summer clothes. He knows on the weekend he always gets a treat, I said that he has a budget of £30 then went on to tell him that it is a lot of money and he can buy a lot of things with it, he doesn’t have to just buy one item. He then went on to tell me that it’s not a lot of money to him, I said if £30 is not good enough for him, he doesn’t have to take it.

I got everything I needed for the boys and made sure to praise him for being patient and not moaning and being well behaved on a whole as I like to spend a lot of time in shops.

We went into a toy shop, he saw something he liked for £90 and asked if he could have it, I told him to get something within his price budget, and reminded me that he went shopping with his dad just a few days ago.

He said he didn’t want anything and left the shop, then refused to walk, and went on to tell me that, that that’s twice I embarrassed him today, and that I am “embarrassing and shameful” and if he could pick someone else to be his mum he would.

I walked off with him following behind me, the last thing I wanted to do is cause a scene with him.

When we got back into the car park, he refused to get back in the car, he said that he doesn’t want to go home yet and he wanted to buy pens and books with his £30, I reminded him that he had been extremely rude to me and he has lost his reward for that.

After a few “I hate yous” and kicking my feet, he fell asleep, I called my mother in law to tell her about his behaviour and her reply was “I think it’s because where it’s hot out today and that I should just leave him to cool down”

When we got home, he said that he is not happy because I didn’t let him get his books and pens, ok whatever.

I can’t cope with this kind of behaviour anymore, and I’ve promised myself that I’m not going to drink this evening.

I’ve also been on the phone to my close friend, I told him everything that’s been going on, he said that I need to give my husband an ultimatum it’s either he gets help or I need to leave and follow through with it, because it’s not healthy for the boys.

I told him that I’ve been posting on here and that people have been telling me the same thing and I’ve been slightly rude, he was upset that I turned to the internet instead of coming to him, and said what I’ve heard on here is right.

So I want to apologise to everyone, for being defensive and rude at times.

Amazing! You have been rude and dismissive of many of the people who have taken the time to give you advice, and yet you speak to ONE man, and when he tells you that we're all correct, you suddenly believe it!! Obviously you have no respect for your fellow women OP, but when a man speaks, you take notice of his, presumably to your mind, superior advice!

Thanks for the apology. Hopefully now, whatever your reasoning, you will finally take action with regard to your husband.

As for your child's behaviour today, once again, all caused by you and your husband. Your husband for modelling his weird, controlling behaviour, and both of you for constantly buying your son things, that he really should be made to wait for, like the game that he demanded, which has resulted in him not appreciating being offered £30 to spend on whatever he likes, after already having been taken out shopping by his dad only a couple of days ago.

However, I was pleased to read that you actually told him he wouldn't now be getting the £30 because he'd been rude to you, and sticking to your guns about it.