For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

If you live in London do you never normally go on public transport @MummyToMNandR

People are going to suggest you don’t stay in a relationship with a controlling man who limits your children’s social interactions and stifles their social development, which is a form of emotional abuse in many people’s opinions.

So you’ve (again) asked for people’s suggestions but aren’t going to like the answers as your priority is staying in the relationship rather than doing what is best for your son.

Your son who has just been robbed of a positive and empowering experience and a shared memory with friends, who will all be discussing their trip in the coming days, leaving him left out, isolated and less confident.

Just how his dad likes him.

This, in spades

It's pointless anyone suggesting what you do (which incidentally is glaringly obvious)
As you go on the defensive and start sticking up gor your mentally deranged husband

Honestly, there’s no point suggesting anything because you just don’t listen.

You keep going the way you’re going and you’ll have three spoilt kids who have whatever they want no matter the cost within days of asking and a miserable home life where they are alienated from their friends because they can’t spend time in their homes or invite them to your home or go on school trips or public transport and their dad sulks if they disobey him or, worse, blackmails them into missing out by promising them expensive gifts.

If you’re not a troll (and the jury is still out imo!) then can you really not see that this dynamic is not teaching your children good values, the value of money, the value of friends and healthy relationships and is instead teaching them to be selfish, money obsessed, spoilt, insular, anxious loners??

I will be grateful for any suggestions but leaving him is out of the question.

I was thinking about taking my son out to the same location as the school trip, but it wouldn’t be the same.

I am still so very annoyed by the situation.

What have you said to your husband? Have you told him how angry you are?
I feel so sorry for your son.

The problem is your abusive controlling lunatic of a husband. You want us to solve this problem in a way that doesn’t involve you leaving him? How, exactly? Witchcraft? Are we meant to suggest ways to magically transform his personality?

What is wrong with you?

Leaving him is the only sensible suggestion.
Which is what you would do if you care about your son and his well being.

Your poor son.

The social enrichment and shared experiences of things like school trips can’t be replaced by trips with parents. It’s not just where they’ve gone that is important, it’s that they’ve done so with friends / fellow pupils / without parental supervision (obviously still with teacher supervision) so that they can learn to cope in new environments, build social skills and become more adaptable, confident and empowered.

You and your husband are knowingly robbing your son of crucial life skills. The sort of life skills, such as social skills, that have a huge impact on happiness and confidence in the long term.

I don’t know how you can bear that as a mother.

I agree with PP. You are doing your son an injustice. He's never going to manage life if he never learns independence.

Do you think your husband may be neurodiverse? It may be that your son is as well. Have you asked school what they think?

It is difficult to give you advice because your financial situation is very different to most people's but I think when your younger children are a bit older you could try to do some work or voluntary work outside of the home. You are very young still and you live in a bit of a bubble at the moment.

You might want to think about stopping the drinking.

A lot of people are giving you advice. I hope you think about what's been said.

Family therapy???? I mean I don't know what else you can do.

I can’t believe you and your husband deprived your son of this school trip with his friends. So sad. He REALLY won’t thank you for such things when he’s older, have you thought about that?

I am glad you have come back. I looked for this thread earlier today (actually yesterday, Thursday), and thought you had left it.

You said you don't know why anyone would think you were a troll, that nobody could make all this up but they certainly could. People write short stories and novels involving strange family dynamics so could easily fantasise on here.

However, giving you the benefit of the doubt, you are not a troll and you want opinions. You know something is wrong.

Regarding the school trip and the train journey, I am a Londoner and used to commute to and from central London all the time when I was at work. There was often a school party, with teachers, going out on a trip and it was always very jolly. The children were well supervised, well behaved and enjoying themselves. Please do let your son go to that, he'll have a good time. Your husband's misgivings are unfounded.

There will come a time when residential trips come up. Will he object to his son going on those too, even if everyone else is going?

Your situation has to change, you know that.

What's the point of asking 'What do you suggest I do?' after you've had more than 20 pages of advice, and in pretty much every case, you have shot down the advice you've been given?

If you want to protect your children from your husband's weird ideas about the world, YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM!!

It's as simple, and as difficult as that OP.

The fact is that you've told us you have no money problems, so why would you continue to live with someone who is literally making his whole family's life a misery, when unlike so many on MN, you can easily afford to walk away, and get counselling for your son and yourself?

Yes, I told him straight away.

Why exactly won’t you leave?

My husband immediately said “How about we go on our trip tomorrow, just me and you, you can choose” now our son isn’t silly, so obviously without a second thought he said yes.
You should have put your foot down and told your DH and DS that he was going on the trip.

Leaving is out of the question- why is that?

Please put your children first and get away from him. They deserve so much better. If you don’t leave him you’re as bad as him. Neither of you will have a relationship with your children when they grow up at this rate.

What do I suggest you do? Leave your absolutely batshit husband and put your children first!!!
He is damaging them and you’re allowing it. Why didn’t you step in when Mr Batshit said he’d take your son out instead? Why?!!!! (And then he ‘bought him’ and spoiled him. Crazy.

The longer you leave this shit show to continue, the more sorry I feel for your children with two utterly toxic and useless parents! If I knew you both in real life, I’d be reporting you to social services. Absolutely pathetic ‘parenting’.

Having said that, I’m reporting this thread yet again because you’re either a troll (I sincerely hope so), or you’re a poor excuse for a parent.

I would be prepared for a difficult time with your son after school today. He will have spent the day listening to his friends discussing their trip and will feel left out.

Your son freaked out to see a man in the house because your husband has taught him that having people in the house is wrong or dangerous somehow, and you're calling him a brat because you didn't handle it well. Pulling him around is not ok, and the fact that he lashed out at you physically isn't surprising. You need to stop blaming your son for the weirdness that your husband has imparted on him.

@MummyToMNandR

why didn’t you just tell your husband that he will be going on the school trip with his pals , END OF.

Going with dad is no substitute no matter how much dad buys him. poor kid.

Previously you said your husband doesn’t control you and you do whatever you like when you like? But you just let him rob a fun and empowering experience, and shared memory with his friends, from your son? So you absolutely do get controlled by him and don’t do whatever you want, or you would have stood up for your son and his needs. You didn’t. This poor kid. I feel so sorry for him.

No, he was fine today after school.