For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Your husband needs to get a job instead of freeloading on your grandad’s money. Your 1 year old should go to nursery, the 3 year old has a longer day in the nursery and the 9 year old in an after school club. Or you could go part time and your husband full time.

@Teaacup I think the DH is wealthy in his own right

Your 9 yr old has been brought up in a home where only family or close friends are welcome. He knows his dad can’t bear having anyone ‘unknown’ in the house and walks the streets, so he can have his school friend visit. That’s a big burden for a child, he has to choose between having friends over and it having an impact on his dad’s MH or to keep home as his dad’s safe place.
Whilst your H is walking the streets, you and your son feel unsettled and when he returns, he moans he can smell unfamiliar people have been there. That’s why you’re drinking, in order for your child to have a normal childhood, you have to go against your H’s control that his home is kept isolated from the world in order for him to feel ‘safe’.
It was never a problem whilst your eldest was younger, you couldn’t have friends over but you felt it was a small price to pay in order to enable your H to be happy. It’s now become an issue as your son wants to invite friends over and go to their house, he knows that’s what his friends from school do, he wants to be like them and not have his dad’s MH stop him from being ‘normal’.
Children go to school and they see what everyone else does, he knows he is the only child, who has a home where people are not welcome. He knows his dad would get upset if he goes to his friend’s houses too. He knows he has to push his dad out, to walk the streets, whilst he has his mate round and he can feel the under current of anxiety whilst his mate is there, it feels like he is doing something wrong!
I couldn’t invite my friends over as a child, my stepdad was an alcoholic, I had to pretend my home life was normal and as I felt great shame. I pretended to be ‘normal’, just like everybody else. I took the burden of my stepdad, who ruled the house with his alcoholism, and made it my shame and felt I was the shameful unlovable one and the reason why my childhood was so chaotic.
Your son feels ashamed he hasn’t been able to mix with his mates outside school, he pretends to be like them and is very anxious because he is scared your H’s problems will get found out and he will be labelled as a freak. He is acting out towards you because he wants to be like his friends and feels frustrated and angry.

so if your job as a mother is to do that isn’t his to go out and work?

look this whole set up is odd and it is affecting your children.
working is a normal and can be enjoyable part of life particularly if the hours suit.

the environment you are giving your children is potentially toxic

Your H won’t go to therapy, so you are trying to please everyone, since having DC, have you found it hard to enable your husband to live in a quiet home where he isn’t overwhelmed by noise and visitors? He is an adult now with three children, they are not an only child and he can’t control them wanting to be normal children.
This isn’t your H’s childhood, he was an only child who didn’t have noisy siblings and felt safe in the quiet, lonely routine of home.
He has three children with you, it must be noisy and chaotic at times, that’s completely normal but he wants to shield himself against any intrusion, that’s not possible when you have children. They want friends round, the freedom to go play out and go to their friends. It doesn’t matter if he’s OCD, suffers with MH or is ND, children still will be children, he needs some kind of therapy to help him manage to cope. He has to realise, that his needs are impacting all of his family in the home, you’re acting as a buffer between him and your eldest in order for your son to see his friends after school and in the holidays. That’s not fair on you neither, no matter what you do, you feel guilt because no matter who you please, someone else is suffering, that’s why you’re drinking! You’re in an impossible situation as the burden of your H’s problems is on you and your son’s shoulders, chipping away at you all, you need to hand that burden back to him and tell him, he needs help, his need for isolation is damaging to your children and impacting on friendships. You will end up with an alcohol problem because of your husband, he doesn’t like conflict, he runs from problems and won’t face up to his problems or how to help manage his anxiety.
You cant all keep walking on eggshells in case your needs impact his anxiety, he is making everyone anxious and feel guilty for having their own needs met.

OP, do you see that your son is getting inconsistent messages from you that are probably contributing to his behaviour?

Instead of insisting that your husband sort out whatever issues he has with his son going to see a friend, you're telling your son "ignore dad". But then whenever he won't listen to you, you tell him "wait until I tell your dad". This puts your son in a really difficult position - does he ignore dad's opinion or is it the thing he should care about most? And how is he supposed to know when he can ignore it and when he needs to listen to it? As someone who was parented similarly, I can tell you it creates a lot of anxiety.

It's a similar inconsistency with the game stuff he wants. He wants it, you say no, then say here that you may as well buy it to get some peace. All this - and the above when you tell him you'll let your husband know about his behaviour - is teaching him your opinion is not important. In your son's eyes, your opinion is not important to you, because you don't hold to it. In his eyes, it's not important to your husband, because you use him to get your children to listen to you. So it's not important to your son either.

This thread gets more and more batshit every time I dip back in!
I've said it before, this has got to be a wind up (yes, I have previously reported it) because nobody is this stupid and naive surely? 🙄

Well, assuming op is truthful, this thread is proof that having plenty of money doesn't shield you from growing up in a totally dysfunctional, fucked up, abusive household. Poor bloody kids.

I’m from a background where nobody ‘has’ to work. A few of the people with whom I went to school never really have. They do stuff, though. Charity stuff, hobbies, travel…they’re out and about in the actual world, as opposed to living in whatever weird navel gazing bubble the OP exists in.

Most of us do work, however. We find stuff we like to do and it gives life a bit of structure.

OP, what would you consider to be your net contribution to the world? Is this something you think about? If it’s motherhood (which is perfectly valid), do you think that allowing your kids to grow up in a situation so strange that you have horrified hundreds of people is in their best interests? Do you think they’ll thank you for this?

This thread is fucking bizarre.

What's your husband bringing to this relationship apart from bizarre rules?

Not money
Not support
Not care for his children

’thank goodness’ that this is anonymous for the sake of the op, but I’m sorry to say this is a HUGE safeguarding issue. I work in a women’s centre and this would be a very high risk situation.

regardless of all the over things, your husband is stonewalling you when he doesn’t get his way. That is ABUSE.

He sometimes takes them to and from nursery/school but as a mother that’s my job.

Er, what? He's their father, it's as much his job as yours.

If you are in any way accurately representing your home life, your entire family needs help, especially those children. You don't seem to understand any of the posts on this thread, which is partly why I asked whether English is your first language (in addition to some of the odd phrasing in your posts). But now I think something else entirely is going on. So I'm out. Good luck.

Genuinely I’m wondering the same thing 😅

Why has your 3 year old been at full time nursery since 2 if you are both at home to care for them.

Careful, OP will be back soon two bottles of wine deep and will kick off at everyone

Op, Mummy, you don't like your mother because she had an affair which caused the break up of your parents' marriage.

I understand how hard that must have been for you, have known of many marital breakups and hurt children. However parents staying together is not always the best thing for children.

Time passes, you are now a grown woman and must surely know that life, and marriages, can be very difficult and human beings sometimes do things that have repercussions on their loved ones.

There is such a thing as forgiveness. It all happened a long time ago. When your mother was with you, did you love her then, was she good to you?

Don't be inflexible is all I am saying. Your mother may have been desperately unhappy in her marriage. These things happen.

I think you could do with a mum, you are still young.

Still young and on benefits I think we are being fed a lot of bull.

To be honest with you, I was taking him to toddler groups which he loved, but as soon as we got back in the house he would start crying. So we put him in nursery for a few hours a day but he’d get very upset when it was time to leave, that’s why he goes full time now 8.30-3.30pm he loves it and it’s the best place for him as my husband says, although he wasn't too keen on him going there at first.

She definitely needs normality

Literally ignoring every comment that means anything. Reporting as troll

I am not a troll and I don’t understand why anyone would think I am a troll, no one would be able to make up what I post.

I said that ever since I’ve posted on here there’s problem after problem, but then I’ve thought back to before I started posting on here there were problems.

I am really not happy with my husband, our 9 year old was due to go on a school trip today, he was pretty excited and he told his dad yesterday that the trip is tomorrow (today) and that they’d be going on public transport (under ground) he then went on to say that he doesn’t like going on trains because he knows it’s not going to be empty, and if he wants to get off he knows he won’t be able to until the next stop.

He then said, that he told his friends this and they said it will be ok and he doesn’t have to worry because they’ll all be together (which is so lovely to hear, it’s so refreshing to hear boys of his age be so kind and show empathy)

His school has their own transport bus which they usually use for trips, and why they weren’t going to use it for this specific trip never crossed my mind.

After hearing our son say that, I think any other dad would be glad that his son has got very supportive friends, because it’s actually heart warming to know that our son is well liked
amongst his peers and they want to support him.

My husband immediately said “How about we go on our trip tomorrow, just me and you, you can choose” now our son isn’t silly, so obviously without a second thought he said yes.

They went shopping today, our son got the games he wanted, some books and some other things.

When our son left the room, I asked my husband why would he do that, when he has just heard our son say that his friends and going to basically support him, he then went on to say that he doesn’t want HIS son going on public transport, it’s very busy on the morning and what if he gets lost, I told him to stop being ridiculous he knows that our so is sensible and wouldn’t wander off. He said he doesn’t care and that he will take him out and get him whatever to make up for it.

I can not go on like this anymore, I can’t allow him to hold our child back but I’m not going to leave him, our son had a nice day out but I can not forgot what my husband has done, and the worst thing is his sees no wrong.

What do you suggest I do?

Well my suggestion would be to leave because your husband’s behaviour is consistently strange. School trips are so important and now he has missed out. All his friends will be talking about it tomorrow and your husband has isolated him. Again.

But you say you won’t leave.

It is baffling.

My suggestion is you read this thread again.

My suggestion is to leave this abusive situation but you won't

So my next suggestion is to get some god damn therapy for yourself.