For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

I do not think that I am better than everyone else, why would I?

You really don’t understand how child allowance works do you

What does You will learn actually mean? What is it that he will learn? Who is it that is going to teach him?

If your DS isn’t afraid of your dh then why has he only just gone to a friends house for the first time if not because of fear of learning the consequences

I don’t understand how you can claim your husband leaves the house every time you disagree but also believe this to be a remotely healthy relationship. Or do you know it’s unhealthy but just want to stay in it regardless of that - bearing in mind witnessing unhealthy relationship dynamics is damaging to children?

@MummyToMNandR stop bringing strangers and your husband into dealing with your son and find strategies to deal with him and not give in and buy him a game

honestly early help family support and parenting classes will really help I think

For a couple who come from wealthy families your parents didn’t do a very good job of raising you

Maybe because I am 2nd generation immigrant and maybe because I am much older but your parents should have taught you to actually go to work.
Apart from the fact you never know when your wealth could disappear
Life should have taught your parents that nothing is forever and anything could happen Unless they were never taught this by their own parents and you all live in a bubble and don’t look around at what is happening outside your bubble

Work would do you good just to connect with other people and realise that even with all the money you have that the way you live your life isn’t doing anyone involved in this family any good

You’re not a freeloader but your money is family money? That doesn’t make sense.

Get a job and some independence it will do you and your boys good.

The money was left to me via my late grandfather.

If I get a job who is going to look after our one year old and take the boys to and from
nursery school

I wouldn’t put that responsibility on my husband.

I’m getting total Constance Marten vibes off this whole situation.

Yes you are living off someone else’s money.

Why not he’s just as much of their parent as you?

Whether you listen to tour husband or not, your son is absorbing all his weird control freak bullshit and this is absolutely the source of his anxiety. What a horrible way to grow up listening to to that shit.

Why not?
He’s their parent.

I also think it’s good for children (especially boys) to see their dad be an active parent.

You were perfectly happy to put the responsibility on him to look after your first child while you went back to uni though. What’s changed?

Whats the plan for when all 3 kids are in school - will you get a job then?

Why hound the op to get a job if she doesn’t need the money? A job isn’t some sort of moral obligation

It might teach her a bit of normalcy - social cues, how to communicate with others, how to tell a story without changing it every time, how other families operate, literally anything about the outside world would be useful at this stage

You currently look after the 1yo and take 3yo to nursery etc. Why couldn’t your DH?

Plus I think this family could do with people seeing how they operate in their disturbing little cocoon. Those boys need help, which is probably why the dad is scared of people coming into the house and seeing what goes on.

I don’t understand why people are encouraging me to go to work whilst my husband tends to the kids, it’s never going to happen.

He sometimes takes them to and from nursery/school but as a mother that’s my job.

And yes, I do have plenty of friends and I meet up with them regularly, sometimes I’m out to house all day.

And no, I have zero intension of getting a job, and further more who are you or anyone else to tell me I must go to work?

So what does your DH do all day?

Most wealthy people have some sort of interests/hobbies/volunteer work and many still work. You seem to do most parenting, apart from the first year of your 9yos life. And the DC seem to spend quite a bit of time with grandmas, so you both have free time. How does your DH fill it?

Sniffing around for intruders by the seems of it

So we’re adding outdated attitudes to the things you’re teaching your sons?

If neither of you need to work then fair enough, that’s a very privileged position to be in. But why aren’t you sharing parenting equally? How are you teaching your sons to view the role of men and women?
I’m assuming they will need to work when they are older? What are you teaching them about work ethic, the value of money etc?

All of this in spades.

Do you go around to your friends houses? What do they think about not being allowed in your home?

I'm out OP

I've tried to help, tried to get through to you gently. You change your story constantly, you have no respect for yourself or anyone else. Your husband is a prick and you clearly have some issues. You're conforming to outdated toxic gender roles and excusing abusive and controlling behaviour. You're not interested in improving your situation and you have also shown a nasty streak.

If it wasn't for video games I'd have said you were an Exclusive Brethen family, or part of a similar separatist cult.

This is like some freakish crossover between Flowers in the Attic and The Hills Have Eyes.

Good luck to you and I hope your kids escape one day to a better life.

Has anyone else watched "Everyone else Burns"?

Of course he can wait
What do you think everyone else does?
If not Christmas then birthday or save pocket money and go halves so he knows the value of it