For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

This with bells on. This whole thread is wild

If this is real, social services should absolutely be involved.

My husband can’t control me, he would never ever call me names or belittle the boys. He is not a monster or an animal!

He is controlling you though, very obviously

You’re letting your trauma influence your decision making.
Staying in this marriage is damaging your children but you’re blinded by your childhood experiences and animosity towards your mum.

Your kids will resent you staying in this relationship.

I feel so sorry for your 3 sons.

Calling troll.

You said you'd never lay a hand on your child when you wouldn't drag him inside and had to involve a stranger.

But then you're dragging him downstairs to apologise to the painter.

This whole dynamic is wildly unhealthy.

Yes, I pulled my child I didn’t drag him!

I don’t think your 9yr old needs therapy or is ND, I think he needs to learn and understand that his dad behaves in ways that a normal human doesn’t

that is why he screamed at the painter, your son needs to be taught that he can go to other peoples houses and others come to your house or god help the poor woman who ends up with him in the future

regarding the game and other behaviour, giving in and going buying it isn’t going to stop his behaviour, did he receive any consequences for kicking you? He needs proper consequences for bad behaviour and you and your H need to be on the same team or it will never improve however your clearly going to struggle to get your H on the same team regarding consequences of bad behaviour and rewarding good behaviour

Same thing

I don't know if it has already been suggested as I can't read all 500+ messages, but could there be more to why he doesn't want your children to visit other people's houses? Could something have happened to him or someone he knows/a family member when visiting a friends house? I've seen stories before where people have been abused/touched etc by a friends family member whilst going over to play at their house

Hi

I appreciate your message, no he hasn’t received any consequences for kicking me, and I’m actually still upset by his behaviour, I’ve never hit and I never would. He will not be getting a treat at the end of the week!

I do remember him telling me there was a time when he went on holiday when he was much younger I think he was around 12 he said that a girl touched him and exposed herself to him.

I think he told his aunt or another female member, bearing in mind this was in Jamaica, he had went there with his grandfather.

We were having a conversation about some girls “being forward and promiscuous for their age”

That’s where the incident then come up, I’ve just now remembered. When he told me, he didn’t actually seem affected by it, but he said at that age he knew it was wrong.

He lost his virginity at the age of 13 with an older girl, he said when he thinks back at it, he shouldn’t have even been interested in girls at that age and he is going to make sure that the boys always put their education and hobbies first.

Of course. It’s always a woman or girl’s fault that a man is like he is, leading him up the garden path with their nasty ways.

I think you need to sit him down and ask him why he thinks that’s acceptable my 6 and 3 ye old know it’s not acceptable behaviour

i would start with a behaviour chart where he can earn stars/points/whatever for good behaviour and lose them for bad behaviour, my 6 yr old has one for a number of things not totally linked to behaviour but that’s on there, also things like reading homework without fighting about it, putting toys away before bed and when she gets a certain number of stars she gets a little treat at the end of that week, you could always use it as a way to give your DS some money each week which he could then use to buy the game he wants

but the key thing is going to be getting your husband to also stick to this

You've just said you will end up buying him a game tomorrow can you not see what your doing? All of this is emotional abuse, this is the last comment on this thread but I feel really sorry for all your children, you and your partner deserve each other but you both dont deserve children.

This is a bit of a harsh reply.

None of us personally know the situation and the OPs husband may well have been taken advantage of as a young boy.

I myself was in a relationship with a much older boy when I was the same age and even thought I thought I was happy and in an equal conversation I was 100% being taken advantage of.

It’s all of a piece, though.

Just be quiet, you sound like a nasty piece of work. I don’t understand why you’d even say something like that.

You sound very miserable!

Thank you Daisy

Some people are just rude and lack empathy, I don’t think what happened to him has had any effect on him.

She is indicating that he is blaming women for what happened to him, he didn’t see it as such a big deal.

Sorry to hear that

I’m not the one downing two bottles of wine a night and sticking with a man who treats me like your husband treats you.

You’re projecting your own misery onto those who’s words you don’t like.

Unlike you, I’m happily married to a man who would no more treat me and my DC like your husband does you and yours than fly in the air.

And this is a public forum. You’re decided to air your problems to anyone who lands on this thread. You don’t get to tell others to be quiet.

Many people here have given you a lot of their time to try and help, and for what? For you to time and again fling it back in their faces.

I think it's time to draw a line under this thread

Are you drunk ?