For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

You maybe also should consider getting help for your alcohol issues.

That is the bar (and a very low one) for children having a care order and taken into care.

the criteria for any social services involvement is very different.

that said I would say you need the first level of help and support a family support worker or early help. It is nothing to be ashamed of DS had issues in Years 5 and 6 that the early help worker was really good with (it can be hit and miss though tbf) and really did help and he is much better at Year 7

Why are people still replying? This is clearly either a troll or someone so incapable of taking on board any constructive criticism or advice offered that there’s no point engaging 🙄

This exact attitude- straw man argument- is why you need serious help.

Just because a situation isn't EXTREMELY horrific, it doesn't mean it's not bad.

It is bad.

If I was a member of staff either at your 3yo's nursery or your 9yo's school I would be concerned with your family dynamic and would raise safeguarding concern. Not so SS could swoop in but that you could get some Early Help as another poster suggested

OP, I'm out. You're either on a wind up or are so deluded you can't see what's happening.
Oh and stay away from the wine, your kids don't need an alcohol problem thrown in the mix of this mess.

l am pretty sure that if my sons nursery and school had any cause for concerns they’d have told me by now, there will never be any cause for concerns with them.

@MummyToMNandR I am afraid there is cause for concern. The level of anxiety in your 9yo for example

You did in your opening post, the fact that your dh doesn’t allow his friends inside the house, the fact that this was the first play date your son has been on. Etc

If you want to know why your DS is acting up it is because you and your dh are not consistent apart from the fact that the only consistent is you asking dh or strangers to discipline your children

When your DS wanted to go to the park you said “not on a school night” then gave a list of reasons why
Then the next day you go to the park because someone you wanted to chat to was going

You say your dh doesn’t like people in the house because he can smell them. Makes a huge deal about DS’s friend coming over. Makes you sit in the garden. Then invites someone into the house and you get angry with your DS for acting like his father

You both need to make up your mind what it is you want and stick to it.

You post one thing then post the opposite. You think child abuse is either sexual or bearing the crap out of your child. You don’t seem to realise there are many forms of abuse and you and your dh are abusive.

No wonder your child has anxiety.

You might have been able to get away with this flip flopping style of parenting but your DS is growing up and noticing other children don’t live like this.

They have sensible boundaries that are consistent. At 9 years old they have ECA’s outside of school. Mothers who don’t blame their child care arrangements as the reason their child can’t do something but then do it anyway because their mother wants to.
His peers he will be noticing don’t give a 2nd thought to inviting children over to their house and vice versa. They have parents who work and they understand where money comes in and goes out. They have mothers who don’t ask others to discipline their children.

They have a father who doesn’t make a huge deal out of their son having a friend and his mum coming into the house.
They have fathers who have their own friends and their families over

His friends have happy and relaxed homes and his friends are relaxed and happy children in their homes because the rules that are in place are consistent and don’t change on a whim and everyone knows what is expected.

I am presuming that for both parents not to work and not being on benefits and the paranoia around people coming into the house (although I actually think this might be something that MIL instilled into her DS) and having a DS at nursery and one at private school this for a child of 9 years old is like living on a knife edge. There is no substance that he can feel that is holding this family together

He is learning about how other people live and he doesn’t see how his parents manage

I think that either there is some sort of dodgy dealings going on or one or other is a lottery winner and therefore unless the lottery winner buys the marital home or buys anything for the spouse or the family or puts money into a joint account that can be divided on divorce they will stay together just for the safety net that money brings.
Although if you have to live a lifetime by someone else’s rules and the result is wrecking your own children’s lives as well, you have to ask yourself if it would actually be worth it.

If your 9yo said that he wasn't allowed to see friends out of school and daddy reacts badly at home, I hope the school have reacted.

@MummyToMNandR you keep ignoring genuine advice and only answering to posts that are annoying you.

The big question is what are you going to do about the current situation?

You have to admit to yourself that your family dynamics aren’t ok and will cause long term damage to your children, so are you going to do something?

I made a few phone calls regarding my sons therapy, I have found someone that will see us next week, they have good reviews so it’s quiet promising.

I am getting my son the help for his anxiety and behaviour, he is fine today and had a great day at school.

In regards to my husband there isn’t much I can do except go against him.

If the boys want friends over friends will be coming over, I love that man so much but sometimes I can’t deal with his weird ways and he is NOT willing to get help, I did suggest him going to speak to someone last night his reply was “You need to go and speak to someone about your drinking”

Then went on to say, “This is the way I am I’m not changing the same way I’ve never told you to change your ways”

I am also not willing to break up for family, I’ll never leave my husband.

My dad left the martial home when I was 14 due to my mum having an affair; that’s why I don’t like her.

What is it you love about your DH?

The things you’ve said about him in this thread make it sound as though he doesn’t like you, let alone love you.

This is not a healthy relationship OP. You shouldn’t be at the point where you’re having to get therapy for your son because of the way you and your DHs issues have impacted him.

So your husband isn’t prepared to have any therapy or counselling, and you won’t split from him despite the damage he’s doing your children.

You know your children will end up hating you at this rate? But that’s worth it to stay with your husband?

I think it is very positive you have sought help for your son, you’ll get another perspective from a trained professional about the root of the problems. So well done for that!

He is right about your drinking.
The relationship between you is completely dysfunctional.

Your husband doesn’t let your son see his friends out of school, including parties. He gets angry if visitors come over. He doesn’t work. There doesn’t seem to be any redeeming features. He’s the reason your 9 year old son has anxiety.

What on earth are you prioritising your husband over your children for? Breaking up your family could be the best thing to happen. It’s not healthy to stay “for the children’s sake” when you’re both fucking them up so spectacularly. I’d be assessing what my priorities are if I was you.

You realise your children will probably hate you too, but for a different reason? Just look at the countless posts from people who say they were forced to grow up around abuse and they hate their parents for not getting them out.

I don't think that it's actually your 9 year old who needs therapy the most. Appalling lack of insight.

I understand the hurt you went through as a child but you can cause just as much hurt by staying in a marriage that isn’t healthy because you’ll do anything to keep your family together when sometimes it’s better apart. I’m not saying that’s the case here necessarily but don’t die on the hill of “You’ll never leave your husband because that’s what your parents did.”

Well done for sorting therapy for your child. Maybe you could find someone for yourself.

No matter what? So if his controlling and restrictive behaviour escalates to name calling or belittling your children you’ll still stay?

Oh and loads of us would rather our parents had split up when we were kids rather than forcing us to grow up in tense, stressful, confusing households where parents weren’t on the same page and where we were shown an unhealthy blueprint for a relationship. So there’s that to think about, though it doesn’t sound like you’ll even consider it.