For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

What are you going to blame it on then?

I never said that I don’t believe he is, I am going to get him assessed because I can no longer cope with his unpredictable behaviour.

Do you think you might be neurodivergent?

It’s not ‘unpredictable’ though, in the sense that his behaviour makes perfect sense considering his home environment. It’s like a pressure cooker, his parents aren’t a united front, his dad has passed on a fear of ‘outsiders’ for want of a better term and his parents have a tense relationship. All of that adds up to creating the behaviour he is exhibiting.

Behaviour is communication. His behaviour is telling you that he is suffering greatly in this environment and can’t deal with it at the moment. It’s telling you that as parents you aren’t currently providing him with an emotionally safe, emotionally healthy or happy home environment in which he can thrive.

All of that can be worked on, but you seem completely unwilling to accept that your behaviour and that of your husband means that his behaviour is not unpredictable, it’s a natural consequence of his environment.

Please stop the nonsense.

That’s good. If he’s is he’s going to need support - and from both of you. There’s a lot of support here as well.

It all stemmed from him wanting a £65 console game, if I would have said yes this never would have happened.

And I’ll probably end up buying it for him tomorrow to make things good.

It's not nonsense- it's a very good point. Why would you rule it out?

It’s not nonsense. The manner in which you’re engaging with this thread is extremely unusual. You appear to process information in an atypical way. I have absolutely no ability to diagnose anyone, but is this something that’s been suggested to you previously? Or something you’ve thought might be the case?

It’s not an insult, there’s nothing wrong with being ND.

And there is the problem

For goodness’ sake. You still don’t get it.

This child, your child, is a product of his environment - and you and his father are responsible for that. Either he is ND, in which case he needs specialist support, or he’s a spoilt brat who’s been made that way by his useless parents.

Stop blaming a confused little boy for acting out. Look to yourselves.

Where are you parents in all this, by the way?

This is what I mean. You’ve completely failed to engage with the point of this comment and are still going on about a £65 game.

So you genuinely don’t think that your home environment could explain a significant amount of his behaviour?

And your plan is to yet again give him a mixed message by going back on the rule / decision you enforced today?

Ok then. Your poor son must be an absolute ball of confusion and frustration and it’s no wonder he’s lashing out and acting up.

I hope at some point you and your partner can put your children’s wellbeing first so they can thrive instead of survive.

Material possessions don’t outweigh the harm being done here. At all.

No! Buying the game achieves nothing. He has been told no and that’s that. Otherwise you’ve taught that if you say no, he can tantrum and you will back down.

You completely missed the point of what @anytipswelcome was helpfully pointing out. They were encouraging you to not look at separate incidents of behaviour on a case by basis, but as a whole and a reflection of the environment your child lives in and what they are exposed to. If you’d rather buy your child’s (very temporary) good mood with material objects than reflect on the parenting yourself and your partner afford then you really can’t be helped and you shouldn’t expect your child’s behaviour to improve if you’re not willing to provide emotional stability in their home.

I'm sorry OP but it's like talking to a brick wall

Are you deliberately trying to wind everyone up? Or do you genuinely not understand what people are saying? It's one or the other.

I'm surprised the thread got this far before neurodiversity was raised.

@MummyToMNandR at first I thought I was going to be reading about a very controlling husband but I quickly came to think he might be on the autism spectrum because of the rigidity of his thinking and opposition to having people in the house. Then you mentioned he said he'd be able to smell visitors after they've left.

So it's no surprise that you went on to describe his sensory sensitivities. They're not exclusive to ASD, they can come with with ADHD too but my own experience of male family members with ASD means I'm inclined to think your husband leans more towards ASD than ADHD.

There's nothing wrong with this and it's not nonsense - neurodiversity explains much of his behaviour and low tolerance for certain things.

Your son I think is just being a 9 year old boy, the heat has probably not helped his behaviour either. You did nothing wrong in raising your voice to him when he was rude.

I think you've had a hard time on this thread, and you come across as a great mum.

I suggested it a few pages in having read the other thread and from some of what OP had said already in this one. It got shot down by a couple of posters, there was a small back and forth with someone else and OP ignored it.

Please don't make the mistake of buying it for him tomorrow OP, as if you do, you are just compounding the damage that you did today! You've said no, stick with it! You have to be consistent with children, as otherwise they just don't know where they are, so if one day you say 'No, I can't afford it', and the very next day you buy it for him, he's going to think that you were lying to him.

It also sounds like your son was parroting his father, with what he said to the decorator today, and the fact that he said “I wish I had nicer parents”, tells you everything you need to know about what he's feeling, but seemingly you just don't want to hear it.

Am I the only one thinking sinister things - the Dad doesn't like kids at his house or his kids going to others and then he disappears, leaving OP thinking he's up to something???
Just saying.
Totally weird set up whatever the reason.
SS should be involved. It's totally not normal.

I agree with that 100%.

OP you’re obviously searching for support in the situation but you don’t trust the advice of anyone on here, please please get support away from your husband in real life.

Social Services should be involved? how dare you, there are children out there that are being beaten neglected and live in filth.

Why are you so insistent that abuse is only physical?
Your husband is emotionally abusive but because he’s not hitting you or your children you refuse to see it as the abuse it is.