For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Actually, nobody has been rude. Just honest. You're obviously struggling and people want to help but you need to engage with them, not lash out.

@Change9944 at the very least he will smell the paint!

Yes,

I have told my husband this plenty of times!

He has made our son like this, our three year old is a completely different child.

No one has been rude to you. They have been honest about your husband, though - but you don’t want to hear that.

You have made it clear that you prioritise your husband over your children, despite him being a pretty unpleasant piece of work. You are not protecting your children from him. And you can’t or won’t understand how all this impacts your children - you seem to think they’re somehow floating above this, entirely untouched by the awful dynamics of your home.

No one can help you if you refuse to be honest.

So what are you going to do about it ?
You need to take action. Your son is visibly showing you with his behaviour that this isn't good for him. If you continue to ignore it you are allowing further emotional damage to him. You keep saying you don't let him dictate to you, but you do and you are ignoring what your son is trying to communicate to you but can't verbalise it.

You need therapy, your 9 year old needs therapy (because he's already showing signs of being traumatised by his dad), and your younger 2 will need therapy if you don't get them away from that toxic man.

Not for long.

Op, gently, your husband has some serious issues. Whether that’s just his personality, or whether it’s something that needs a diagnosis, it needs addressing. His behaviour IS impacting your children and nothing is going to change that unless you and he do something about it.

It also sounds like you would benefit from some sort of help - therapy, parenting classes, a real friend to vent to.

You were both really young when you had your first DS - did you have any support, or were you just left to your own devices?

Yes we were young 18 & 19 we had lots of support, I even went back to University whilst my husband looked after our first child full time.

That’s why he is so much like him, it’s almost as if my husband has moulded him into the child he wanted him to be.

What did you study? Does he have any qualifications? It would help to know why it is neither of you go to work.

Psychology and my husband did go to work before he received and windfall, this was just before our one year old was born.

Your behaviour is infuriating!!!! Your asking why your child is the way he is? He's fucking like that because of the toxic fucking house that he is living in it's fucking disgusting you are fucking your children's heads up and none of you give a fucking shit. Absolutely disgusting.

What do you both do to occupy your time/socialise/get out

You must understand that from what you've said you all sound like hermits, full on, full-time helicopter parents who clash constantly, all stay in each other's pockets, don't see many other people, and give in to your 9yos tantrums.

I don't mean that nastily but that is the picture that is coming across. As a psychology graduate you must see that.

You seem surprised about your son’s behaviour when it is an absolutely textbook response to the pressure cooker atmosphere he’s growing up in and the unhealthy relationship dynamics he’s witnessing.

Children are a product of their environment. You can’t ‘fix’ your son’s issues while still continuing to live with a man as stifling and controlling as your husband, while still continuing to expose him to a strange and unhealthy relationship dynamic or while continuing not to parent him as a team and instead confusing him.

Your husband leaves the house when you disagree. You then worry he sleeps with other women. He returns and sleeps with his back to you. This is ‘normal’ for you but so, so, so far from an actually normal or acceptable way to behave in any relationship let alone in a family home with children.

You said your husband ‘isn’t distressed about anything’ but it’s clear that he is and that you attempt to walk on eggshells and manage his moods because otherwise he makes the atmosphere even worse.

You’re resorting to drinking two bottles of wine alone on bad days. Imagine what it’s like for your son who is soaking up all this anxiety but unlike you has no choice / outlet etc for those feelings.

Of course he is acting out. He must be confused, frustrated and ready to burst with anxiety. Poor kid.

This is exactly what I think. The kids don't know what end of them is up... one minute they're allowed to do/ get whatever they want, the next they're being screamed at for asking for a new game (which, by the way, can definitely wait till Christmas!).

@MummyToMNandR would you consider a parenting coach / class? You were so young having your first, I think it could benefit you.
Teenage years at going to be hell, I fear.

I have just seen your more recent post. You have a psychology degree - use it!
Sounds like you've won the lottery, or similar, so have no money worries & neither of you work - but I don't think you know what to do with yourselves now.

Given the way your husband reacts to your DS, I don’t think DS is the person your DH “wanted him to be”.

You say your DH worked until just before your 1yr old was born? So how was he able to look after your first born full time? What support did he have? Did you do anything like an NCT class before your first came along?

And how are you going to address DH’s behaviour from now on?

Because obviously he didn’t work then, he had support from his mum and family members.

He begged and cried for me to keep our first born, I never had any in tensions to not have him because I don’t believe in abortion.

He just got on with looking after and tending to our first born, although he hasn’t been as hands on with or other two. Please don’t get me wrong he does help, but he wanted to do everything for our first born.

He has never liked people being around the boys either.

This all sounds so fraught. Why did he beg? We're you not keen? You sound pressured. What is his background?

Why exactly doesn't he like people being around them

Sorry why was he begging and crying for you to keep your son if had no intentions of having an abortion?

Because I said that I wasn’t ready for a baby.

He is also an only child, he has just never liked people around the boys, except close family members, he doesn’t like them going to family events due to the “noise” and “a lot of people”

He is also very sensitive to noise, doesn’t like crowds of people.

A few years ago, he told that when he was a child he never used to like going to busy places such as shopping centres or where he knew they’d be a lot of people. He didn’t know how to express this to his mother, and she put him refusing to get out of the car or walk just down to bad behaviour and sometimes he would get slapped by his mum 😢 but then he told her how going out made him feel, she apologised and said that he should have told her, so when they had to go out they’d go first thing in the morning or at less busier times or he’d stay behind.

Mum is a very lovely lady by the way, she’s always been supportive and welcomed me into her family with open arms.

So it sounds like your husband is possibly neurodiverse, like your son, and yet you’re treating your son like he’s a naughty brat, just like his mum did.

you all need counselling.

It sounds like he could be ND. I am autistic and cannot cope with crowds or busy places. I’m very noise sensitive. It would also explain him “smelling” people after they have left, acute sensitivity.

Where is your mum, you parents, in all this, @MummyToMNandR?

My child was a little brat today, he was rude and kicked me.

I am not going to blame it on him being neurodiverse.

No - but if you’re going to ignore the very real possibility that he is, you are going to fail him. If he is, you will need to help him learn techniques and so on to help him through situations.

Please get help. Please.