For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

I know, I’m going to go to bed now. Hopefully I’ll wake up feeling better tomorrow.

You've got bigger worries than the fact your mother once had an affair . . . you need to wake up and see what is going on in your marriage. You are being mind controlled by your husband and your relationship is extremely toxic .
Is this a cultural thing where the man of the house calls the shots? If so there are organisations who can help you, I believe some have been referenced already.

No it isn’t a cultural things.

My husband doesn’t “call the shots” I do whatever I like when I like. If he called the shots like you are saying, people wouldn’t be allowed in the house nor would our son be going to play dates.

Stop being so ridiculous please, there are actually women out there whom are getting beaten by their husbands and aren’t even allowed to leave the house.

"The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.
He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.
He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”
When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”
Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.
Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.
I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?"

There are many different types of abuse. Not being allowed to leave the house and being beaten are just 2 examples.

Not being able to have friends over to visit, not being able to have a difference of opinion without your partner walking off could be considered abusive.

Look up 'Controlling and coercive behaviour" 0n the CPS website. There is a very long list of C&C behaviours that can form the basis for this offence- the first one on the list:
relevant behaviour of the suspect can include:

• isolating a person from their friends and family

Here's the link www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Sounds weird.

omg,your husband is awful to try stop sons friendships.and the way your son responded,thinking he was wrong to have a play date shows your husband has already affected him mentally..it's completely wrong..

I asked this yesterday but had no response.

Do you, as a couple, have friends, some with children, whom you see and with whom you socialise?

But people haven’t been in the house for 9 years. It has taken your DS 9 years to pluck up enough courage to go to a friends house.

You can’t say one thing then deny it when someone calls it

I left this thread for a while but one thing I had noticed was your own inability to recognise anyone else’s feelings but your own.

You say you call the shots. So why wasn’t this ridiculous issue knocked on the head immediately
Why wait 9 years

Abuse isn’t just physical and it’s incredibly insulting and ignorant to suggest that it is.

Your husband sounds very abusive op.

When did I tell you that people haven’t been in the house for 9 years?

Please stop assuming!

You yourself said:

I asked him why he doesn’t want him coming around he said “You know I don’t like people coming here, and once they’ve left I’ll even be able to fking smell them”

So you can't blame people for assuming you NEVER have anyone round

In one post you said your DH doesn’t allow his close friends to come into the house @MummyToMNandR

When you read your own words back OP can you see how strange (and untrue) it is to then say your husband ‘isn’t in distress about anything’?

You can’t really think that this is a healthy dynamic for your children to be growing up under the same roof as?

To be fair you said this:

He just doesn’t like people coming here, he doesn’t even allow his close friends to visit (not that I want them here) he says our house is a place where we feel, and he don’t want people coming around

What has your husband got himself involved in that he won’t allow anyone else into his home? Sounds well dodgy

The only dodgy one here is you.

Can you really not understand the harm being done to your children?

You're obviously not happy, Mummy, you drank two bottles of wine yesterday. We get how it is, what are you going to do about it? Things must change if your children are going to grow up at least reasonably well adjusted.

oh dear

OP the whole thread is full of people asking you reasonable questions, trying to help you and yet being confused by your weird and inconsistent answers.

It's hard to tell what you are looking for in this thread. Many PPs have said that your family dynamic is potentially very damaging to your children. Instead of becoming defensive and lobbing primary-school insults, why not engage with other MNers? It's certainly not healthy to drink two bottles of wine by yourself. You must have been feeling quite low to do that. It's worthwhile to examine why that might be and how your environment is affecting you as well as your children.

@MummyToMNandR

You need to envision your now children as grown adults telling the story of their childhood to friends/partners/(probably a therapist!)

What will they be saying?

“We were rarely allowed people over to the house and on the odd occasion it did happen my Dad would be furious and would storm out of the house and only return once guests were gone and then would complain he could still smell them. It made us all anxious and feel like we were walking on egg shells.”

”My mum knew this behaviour wasn’t right but she ignored it and pretended it wasn’t a big deal. She was also very rigid with routine and not letting us do things like go to the park after school when all I wanted to do was escape the toxic vibes of our home life yet all she wanted to do was drag me back to it.”

You still have time to rewrite the story.

This is pretty accurate OP. Is this what you really want for your children?

You sound as bad as him to be honest. Poor kids