For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

But your husband doesn't work, so why do you need to bring the two smallies with you to collect 9yr old?

“Smallies” LOL

My 3 year old goes to nursery full time so I usually collect him first the go and get my eldest.

I always bring the baby with me because he is most happiest when outside.

Your baby is most happiest when outside yet you have prison schedule rules where going to the park on a week day after school pick up is strictly forbidden?

Countless posters have said it @MummyToMNandR but you’re really not seeing it.

Both your husbands behaviour and your own is not healthy. Get some family therapy, couples therapy and separate therapy for your children.

If you don’t make changes and see what’s going on your children will grown into damaged adults.

You and your husband can do pick up together. One of you takes 9 year old to the park, the other can take the little two home. Surely your children should experience some benefits of having two stay-at-home parents?

If your DH doesn’t work, doesn’t do parenting, doesn’t let your DC have fun, what does he actually do @MummyToMNandR

Why doesn’t your husband help with any pick ups if he isn’t working either?

Your baby is “happiest outside” but you won’t take him to the park in the week? Goodness.

Something is really off with your husbands responses to play dates and having people around. I am so glad you are advocating for you DS to have the friendship and for yourself with the mother. However, please don't lose sight of how unusual your DH perspective is. I know people have asked questions about whether something happened within his own childhood. I will say as someone who has worked within a field around child abuse that it was the first thing that came to my mind. Just because a family is close it doesn't mean something didn't happen elsewhere. And covering up can last a life time and create much distress and anguish when having their own children.

Hopefully it is not this, but something is causing your DH distress. It would be important for you to understand, not least because of how confusing it will be to your son who must see other children go on playdates all the time. It is concerning that he had anxiety about going anywhere before he went on this playdate, was he feeding off of your husband's anxiety?... Lots to unpack and important to do so.

Sorry what?

I am out with the baby for most of the day, I don’t know why you assume that I stay at home all day.

And YES my husband does pick up the boys sometimes but recently I’ve been wanting to do it myself.

Nothing is causing my husband distress and my son CAN and WILL go to play dates.

If DH doesn't work can't he pick up from nursery with the youngest so you can take son to the park on his own after school then you don't have to worry about the younger ones. If you are both at home is there a reason your 3 year old goes to nursery full time.

Although you say Nothing is causing my husband distress and my son CAN and WILL go to play dates it clearly is.

He has a view on play dates outside of the house, in the house and rigid rules about nipping to the park spontaneously on a sunny day. He sulks off if he doesn't get his way.

It is causing your son distress and anxiety because he feels like he is upsetting Daddy by wanting to do something that Daddy doesn't want him to. It simply isn't enough to advocate for your son to allow him to do normal every day things. You need to ensure your DH stops with his nonsense. If he needs some form of therapy to realise that this is not acceptable then so be it.

Something has happened to make him think his view is normal whether that is abuse as a child when at someone's house, whether it's some form of germ phobia or whatever. It is him that needs help so that your children aren't affected (all 3 of them!).

For parents who have the luxury of both being stay at home parents your lifestyle is very rigid.

You literally have the luxury of no time limits etc.

Why not mix things up and have a day where you pick up the youngest and your husband picks up the eldest and then another day where you switch and then another day where you both pick up both together and another day where you both pick up both alone.

That way you’re both getting quality time with each child alone and then together.

Your children will only be young once. Take them to the park after school. Life doesn’t need to be so rigid.

But something is causing your husband distress if he feels the need to literally leave his own home and walk the streets because your son has a friend over to play.

This isn’t normal and needs to be addressed.

Your children are only going to get older. What happened when your teenagers want to hang out at the house with their friends and your husband is walking around furious at this and storming out of the house? Do you really want your children to live in such a toxic environment where they’re scared?

Stop ignoring the facts and address the issues.

• You worry he’s sleeping with other women when he storms out
• He walks out of the house for hours ‘every time’ you argue
• He doesn’t answer his phone when he does this
• When he comes back he ‘sleeps with his back to me
• You say in general that ‘he never backs me up’ about your son’s behaviour which is hugely confusing for a child
• He says he thinks if you have people over when he’s not there “once they’ve left I’ll even be able to fucking smell them”
• He actively leaves the house to ‘walk the streets’ if your son has a friend over instead of wanting to facilitate and encourage his social skills and friendships
• When your son tells you he hates you your husband says “it’s my fault because I didn’t listen to him.. and that I always bring on these problems myself.”
• You’re very concerned about your son’s behaviour in another thread and would like to speak to the school for support but your husband is ‘adamant’ you don’t do this as he “doesn’t want them in our business.”

You then say, completely at odds with literally everything above, that “nothing is causing my husband distress”?!

You said upthread “I am happy to discuss my marriage”.

When you see your own description of your marriage written out above, do you think that sounds like a happy, healthy family home? Don’t you want your children to grow up in a happy, healthy home?

Hi

I feel like I’ve jinx myself by posting on here, because everyday or every other day there seems to be a different issue.

You son has begun fighting back against the toxic rigid unusual way you and your husband act and bring him up and it will probably continue now it’s started.

we’ve screamed it continuously and you’re not acknowledging it.

Your family needs help and therapy.

What do you want us to say? Your relationship and family dynamic is toxic. We can't help you unless you acknowledge that.

What has happened today?

Ok

I’m just fed up and stressed out I’ve had two bottles of wine this evening.

So what's happened?

(Drink some water please)

Drinking won’t solve your problems.

The issue isn’t with any of the boys or my husband, I just feel very low this evening.

Boys are asleep and my husband is downstairs watching television, he knows I am feeling down and has tried to comfort me and be supportive sometimes I feel as I’m a burden on him.

I have it all, but somehow I go through stages of being depressed, I’ve had therapy.

My mum has said “That’s just you, you will always find something to be unhappy about”

Me and her have never had a good relationship, she had an affair the tart, I know I shouldn’t be speaking bad of her but she makes me sick.

There very much IS an issue with your husband

Calling your mum a tart? Sorry... what?

I think things will feel worse when you’ve had two bottles of wine. Drink a pint of water and get some sleep x

Did you just call your mum a tart?!

Your husband is emotionally abusing your children and you don’t even care! You’re just ignoring it.