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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For letting my son go to his friends house

1000 replies

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

OP posts:
monkeysox · 20/06/2025 07:34

MummyToMNandR · 17/06/2025 00:04

He wasn’t abused, can you please stop mentioning it, it’s not a nice subject.

You don’t know my husband, so please do not make those kind of assumptions, not once has it ever crossed my mind that he was abused when younger.

Its very strange behaviour tbh. Is he an abuser.

monkeysox · 20/06/2025 07:36

Why the fuck can't you go to the park during the week. This is not normal

ResidentPorker · 20/06/2025 07:41

Your husband is damaging your children.

DaisyChain505 · 20/06/2025 09:03

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:37

I will monitor his behaviour for another week.

It’s not his behaviour that needs monitoring. It’s your husband and yours.

TheaBrandt1 · 20/06/2025 09:39

Sounds like the kid is the sanest one in the family.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 20/06/2025 10:25

What do you mean why am I still with him? I will be with him until the end, I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

Even though he is damaging your children?

Emmav2020 · 20/06/2025 11:02

omg i could not live with someone like that, sod that! your letting your so go out their house, they come to yours. but your husband is telling your son another thing. hes going to be so confused with 2 parents not on the same page.

Id be telling my OH to go to his friends house... permanently!!

There was a lad in my sons primary school who had a dad like this. noone was allowed to their house or vice versa, parties nothing. and all us other parents felt so sorry for his son and thought his dad was a strange one. That lad is now a 15 years old and is in secondary school with no social life whatsoever and i know its caused bullying towards him.

awkwardasfuck · 20/06/2025 11:45

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:53

Suffocating?

Our children are allowed to do what they want within reason, my husband is just very over protective.

What do you mean why am I still with him? I will be with him until the end, I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

Even if he's shagging someone else?

anytipswelcome · 20/06/2025 13:03

You say this “Every time we hage a disagreement he leaves the house and makes me believes that he goes and sleeps with someone else” then act shocked and offended when people ask why on earth you’re with this man.

Let alone the fact that his attitude to the world has deeply unsettled and affected your son, clearly from both threads you have.

People aren’t criticising your relationship out of unkindness, they’re criticising it because it sounds so odd, unhealthy and toxic.

And while you might choose to remain in a relationship like that, it’s your son paying the price. He doesn’t get a choice. He’s being taught that this bizarre dynamic is normal and healthy.

It’s really, really not. In a healthy relationship the bare minimum is to be able to disagree without storming out and to be able to disagree or even fall out without thinking the other person is out cheating on you as a result.

I think everyone involved could do with some therapy to unravel what’s going on.

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 18:19

SociableAtWork · 20/06/2025 05:30

@MummyToMNandRAnother strange thing - you say YOU drove your son and his friend to the friend’s house, to be on the safe side (or words to that effect)

Why? The other mum was there, ready to take them to her house. Instead, you drove both boys to her house - why were they safer with you than with her?

Very strange situation all round.

That’s also

I drove all of them home, I don’t understand what you find strange about that?

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 18:21

anytipswelcome · 20/06/2025 13:03

You say this “Every time we hage a disagreement he leaves the house and makes me believes that he goes and sleeps with someone else” then act shocked and offended when people ask why on earth you’re with this man.

Let alone the fact that his attitude to the world has deeply unsettled and affected your son, clearly from both threads you have.

People aren’t criticising your relationship out of unkindness, they’re criticising it because it sounds so odd, unhealthy and toxic.

And while you might choose to remain in a relationship like that, it’s your son paying the price. He doesn’t get a choice. He’s being taught that this bizarre dynamic is normal and healthy.

It’s really, really not. In a healthy relationship the bare minimum is to be able to disagree without storming out and to be able to disagree or even fall out without thinking the other person is out cheating on you as a result.

I think everyone involved could do with some therapy to unravel what’s going on.

It just makes me think “where has he gone” I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that or letting my intrusive thoughts get the better of me.

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 18:23

monkeysox · 20/06/2025 07:36

Why the fuck can't you go to the park during the week. This is not normal

I like the get the children home and settled, please remember I have a three year old as well as a one year old.

We did go to the park after school today along with my sons friend and mum, I have told my son that it was just a one off.

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 20/06/2025 19:20

We did go to the park after school today along with my sons friend and mum, I have told my son that it was just a one off.

What?

Stripeyanddotty · 20/06/2025 19:22

Your son will grow up to be emotionally stunted- just like his parents.
I really hope he has a caring adult in his life who can advocate for him.

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 19:50

Stripeyanddotty · 20/06/2025 19:20

We did go to the park after school today along with my sons friend and mum, I have told my son that it was just a one off.

What?

We went to the park with my SONS FRIEND and HIS MOTHER.

I told my son that it is not something we’ll be doing regularly.

OP posts:
ninjahamster · 20/06/2025 19:52

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 19:50

We went to the park with my SONS FRIEND and HIS MOTHER.

I told my son that it is not something we’ll be doing regularly.

Why? It’s a great thing to do!

TiggyTomCat · 20/06/2025 19:55

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 19:50

We went to the park with my SONS FRIEND and HIS MOTHER.

I told my son that it is not something we’ll be doing regularly.

Why? Because you are afraid of your husband's reaction. Get a grip and realise this attitude is not an healthy way to bring up your children. You are damaging them. This is not normal. You will massively regret it in the future when the penny finally drops and you have major problems with your children.

Stripeyanddotty · 20/06/2025 20:01

We went to the park with my SONS FRIEND and HIS MOTHER.
I told my son that it is not something we’ll be doing regularly.

No need to shout.
It seems that you and your husband have significant mental health problems.
This is no way for children to live.

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 20:03

TiggyTomCat · 20/06/2025 19:55

Why? Because you are afraid of your husband's reaction. Get a grip and realise this attitude is not an healthy way to bring up your children. You are damaging them. This is not normal. You will massively regret it in the future when the penny finally drops and you have major problems with your children.

No, because I like to get the boys home and settled. Please remember I have a one and three year old also.

My husband does not care about us going to the park after school.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 20/06/2025 20:50

Why can’t your DH put the younger ones to bed?

LBFseBrom · 20/06/2025 21:15

MummytoMN&R: "I like the get the children home and settled, please remember I have a three year old as well as a one year old."
.......
There are two of you, surely husband can 'settle' the little ones sometimes. The nine year old does not need to settle down as early, he's a big boy and needs a bit more than just being at home with parents and two babies.

Ddakji · 20/06/2025 21:30

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 18:21

It just makes me think “where has he gone” I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that or letting my intrusive thoughts get the better of me.

This man is messing with your head. I can guarantee that he is also messing with your children’s heads.

you need to speak with Women’s Aid or, if appropriate, Southall Black Sisters. They can help you.

LBFseBrom · 20/06/2025 22:48

I do wonder, MummuTo, do you and your husband have friends with whom you socialise occasionally?

anytipswelcome · 20/06/2025 23:55

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 20:03

No, because I like to get the boys home and settled. Please remember I have a one and three year old also.

My husband does not care about us going to the park after school.

Why can’t you sometimes have a lovely time with your older son and his friend and another mum at the park while your husband gets the smaller kids settled for the evening?

Why do you have to be there in order for the kids to get settled? He should be capable of doing so himself, he’s their parent too.

It’s nice for you to have some time being with your elder son without them, it’s hard being the eldest in a house with babies / toddlers as they inevitably need more urgent attention to stay safe.

Devianinc · 21/06/2025 00:58

He sounds like a scary fuck and I would be looking to get away from that. Why does he want to isolate your son. What a creepy man. Run don’t walk away

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