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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For letting my son go to his friends house

1000 replies

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 21:31

OneBrightMorning · 19/06/2025 20:02

Why do you keep relying on other people to do your parenting for you? Seriously, your children need to listen to you because you’re their mother, not because Dad or Grandma or some random on the street tells them to.

Even more importantly, your eldest child is communicating with you through his behaviour. He’s crying out in the only way he can, and he needs you to access help for him. Counselling for you would not go amiss either.

Hi

What was I suppose to do, drag him in the house? I would never put my hand on the children.

I just don’t understand why he decided to be a brat this evening, he already knows going to the park is something we do on a weekend.

I told my husband what happened, and all he said to him “you need to make your mind, the other day you wanted to stay in the house, now you want to stay out” his reply to that was “I actually think I want to go out now, but I know not on a school night”

He never seems to back me up, when it comes to me addressing our son’s bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Change9944 · 19/06/2025 21:36

What do YOU think could be causing this behaviour.
You need to have a really good think.

OneBrightMorning · 19/06/2025 21:40

🤦‍♀️

No, don't drag him in the house. But develop ordinary strategies that most parents work out for themselves. Don't rely on random strangers. That is just odd.

What about the rest of the comments that so many people on this thread have made? Are you going to address your DH's controlling ways? Or your son's anxiety and possible neurodiversity?

awkwardasfuck · 19/06/2025 21:41

This is all completely unhinged

BookArt55 · 19/06/2025 21:52

I think you need to have a rethink. Stop thinking of it as bratish behaviour, and think of it as your son clearly trying to communicate his needs with you, he isn't able to verbalise it.
It could be that your son sees dad be a and he thinks that is normal. Now he has had two playdates he sees it is fun and isn't so intimidated, wants to feel that buzz again, that freedom again. Or so many other reasons that you need to consider knowing your son.

Well done for pushing through have having the other child abd mum over. Dh is ridiculous so I am glad you pushed through. Keep doing it.

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 22:08

BookArt55 · 19/06/2025 21:52

I think you need to have a rethink. Stop thinking of it as bratish behaviour, and think of it as your son clearly trying to communicate his needs with you, he isn't able to verbalise it.
It could be that your son sees dad be a and he thinks that is normal. Now he has had two playdates he sees it is fun and isn't so intimidated, wants to feel that buzz again, that freedom again. Or so many other reasons that you need to consider knowing your son.

Well done for pushing through have having the other child abd mum over. Dh is ridiculous so I am glad you pushed through. Keep doing it.

Thank you

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 19/06/2025 22:10

Dozens of people have told you that your family dynamics and behaviours are not normal and are and will continue to have a negative effect on your children and you are not listening.

Get some professional help and therapy for your family.

Tiswa · 19/06/2025 22:26

I agree your son isn’t being a brat he is finding the rules that he is forced to live with oppressive and awful because they are.

he is 9 he is halfway to being an adult and having opinions about stuff and autonomy over what he does and doesn’t do.
9 is a normal starting point for this process called for growing up

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:37

DaisyChain505 · 19/06/2025 22:10

Dozens of people have told you that your family dynamics and behaviours are not normal and are and will continue to have a negative effect on your children and you are not listening.

Get some professional help and therapy for your family.

I will monitor his behaviour for another week.

OP posts:
awkwardasfuck · 19/06/2025 23:41

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:37

I will monitor his behaviour for another week.

And then what??

Shoemadlady · 19/06/2025 23:45

This is completely suffocating. Your poor children. He’s going to turn them into anxious wrecks. Why are you even still with him?

Tiswa · 19/06/2025 23:46

You will monitor his behaviour?

I have said it before the red flags for safeguarding here are massive for an abusive situation for the children

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:53

Shoemadlady · 19/06/2025 23:45

This is completely suffocating. Your poor children. He’s going to turn them into anxious wrecks. Why are you even still with him?

Suffocating?

Our children are allowed to do what they want within reason, my husband is just very over protective.

What do you mean why am I still with him? I will be with him until the end, I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt1 · 19/06/2025 23:55

This is one of the oddest things I have ever read

LBFseBrom · 20/06/2025 00:07

Rainbows41 · 18/06/2025 23:33

Can't find anything saying children are in private school, just one in nursery.

The private school has been mentioned, Rainbows, I read it yesterday. It might be on the other thread. I don't know how relevant it is.

crumblingschools · 20/06/2025 00:12

Over protective is suffocating

LBFseBrom · 20/06/2025 00:13

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 18:51

My 9 year old refused to come in the house this afternoon from school, I don’t know whether he was in the “misbehave for mummy” mood today, but it’s strange how he has gone from not wanting to be outside to refusing to come in the house, this is stemmed from him asking if we could go to Hyde Park after school, I explained to him it’s a school night and we need to get home.

It took for me to ask a stranger who was walking pass to tell my son to come in the house.

I am very stressed out!!

Your son is finding his feet, MummyTo, and who can blame him. He will push boundaries more and more, it's not bad behaviour, it's normal, especially given your situation. Why on earth did you involve a random stranger? This story becomes more bizarre by the minute.

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 00:35

LBFseBrom · 20/06/2025 00:13

Your son is finding his feet, MummyTo, and who can blame him. He will push boundaries more and more, it's not bad behaviour, it's normal, especially given your situation. Why on earth did you involve a random stranger? This story becomes more bizarre by the minute.

I just forgot myself, it’s something I do when my 3 year old refuses to come inside the house. Yes I know it’s bizarre but it works with him, and they are always happy to help me out.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 20/06/2025 01:04

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:53

Suffocating?

Our children are allowed to do what they want within reason, my husband is just very over protective.

What do you mean why am I still with him? I will be with him until the end, I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

I have an uncle and aunt a bit like your 'D'H and you. Unsurprisingly their kids moved far away to escape the fucked up dynamic, and rarely visit their parents. Just because you can't see it's fucked up right now, doesn't mean that they won't.

Why is your marriage worth more than your children's wellbeing and long term health? Because this will affect their mental health for years and years to come.

SociableAtWork · 20/06/2025 05:30

@MummyToMNandRAnother strange thing - you say YOU drove your son and his friend to the friend’s house, to be on the safe side (or words to that effect)

Why? The other mum was there, ready to take them to her house. Instead, you drove both boys to her house - why were they safer with you than with her?

Very strange situation all round.

That’s also

Tiswa · 20/06/2025 06:23

MummyToMNandR · 20/06/2025 00:35

I just forgot myself, it’s something I do when my 3 year old refuses to come inside the house. Yes I know it’s bizarre but it works with him, and they are always happy to help me out.

How often does that happen

because it isn’t normal and your children sound very unhappy and who can blame them

you need professional help

TheaBrandt1 · 20/06/2025 06:52

This whole scenario is extremely weird. The acceptance of the husbands mental prison warden behaviour as absolutely fine. The fact no one works. The husbands huffing off to sleep with other people. The getting strangers to parent your child. I don’t think too many play dates will be an issue as most normal people wouldn’t want their kids around all this strangeness

That poor 9 year old will be out of there as soon as he can I reckon and won’t look back. They don’t stay little and under your control forever op.

Ddakji · 20/06/2025 07:17

MummyToMNandR · 19/06/2025 23:53

Suffocating?

Our children are allowed to do what they want within reason, my husband is just very over protective.

What do you mean why am I still with him? I will be with him until the end, I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

Good luck with that. The way things are going, your children will leave and never return when they hit 18, and will potentially never forgive you for prioritising your husband over them, and your husband will be having affairs and eventually leave you for a 25 year old.

Is that really what you want?

Gyozas · 20/06/2025 07:25

This is a really weird thread.

The OP’s children go to private school, so I don’t think she ‘scrounges off the state’ to quote one poster. As neither of them work I presume they’re very wealthy and living in London. But also they’re young (I think OP is 28?) so it’s quite an unusual position to be in.

Not really sure what anyone can say or add.

Your husband is very, very controlling though (is it his family’s wealth?) but you will be ‘with him until the end’ apparently, so not sure what anyone can say.

TheaBrandt1 · 20/06/2025 07:29

Those kids will be gone as soon as they can I reckon.

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