For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Because you posted about your personal life on a public forum, that's why.

Indeed

In case any has missed the other thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5353767-for-not-listening-to-my-child

The man has a screw loose

I thought same

Your dynamics and general family life set up isn’t normal and you seem to be just glossing over every single red flag that you’re describing to us.

Your poor children are going to need therapy when they’re older.

This reaction is very strange, both my children have had friends over to play and have dinner and been to friends houses from reception age, no parents accompanying but I had them on messenger if needed.

Partner isn't always the biggest fan of some of the kids who come over, but always accommodates and would never say anyone couldn't come around unless there was bully or really poor behaviour

It all seems very weird.

@MummyToMNandR You say neither you or your husband work, but your 3 year old is in full time nursery. And your 3 year old also ‘spends a lot of time with your MIL and she takes him lots of places’.
How often are you spending any time with the kids?! What hours is your 3 year old doing at nursery?

It’s very usual to send your child to nursery full time if neither parent is at work!

So you say you don’t listen to him or let him dictate what you do, then why are you asking?
Because you KNOW this is odd and controlling behaviour. Your son has said no to play dates for years because his father (as he said himself) told him he wasn’t allowed to!
This is very controlling and not healthy at all. For the sake of your children you must allow them to have normal friendships and go to other people’s houses and your children must feel able to ask them around to their homes too. If your husband cannot see his way to accepting it then he should explore why through counselling. It seems he can afford to get this privately.

I think if you post about these quite unusual circumstances and very odd behaviour from your husband on a public forum people are perfectly entitled to ask what the fuck is going on

Your threads paint a picture of an odd and potentially quite damaging family dynamic. Your eldest child suffers from anxiety and may also be ND but you don’t seem to be willing to address these concerns. Your husband is controlling to an extreme degree, but again you seem to passively accept it without challenging his unreasonable decrees. Neither of you works but one child attends a private school and another goes to nursery full time. You all apparently communicate in a somewhat bizarre fashion, tattling on each other to various family members and jockeying for attention and positions of power.

Is English your first language? Some of your phrasing indicates otherwise. Though I’m at a loss as to which culture would consider your family dynamic as acceptable or desirable.

I really think you need to take a hard look at your family, especially the emotional needs of your children. Your eldest is crying out for help and it’s essential that someone listens to him and takes some decisive steps to provide support for him. It’s great that he had two successful play dates, one at his friend’s house and one at yours. But that is not addressing the real issues.

He doesn't want people in your house because he'll be able to smell them after they've gone? Are you married to Hannibal Lecter?

In all seriousness, his heightened sense of risk around your child's safety with others is not at all normal. His behaviour is very disturbing and will impact his relationship with your son, and your son's ability to form relationships in future.

Your husband needs professional help.

You don’t quite understand how abusive he is do you?

I’ve just read the other thread. I’m not an
expert in Sen but even I think DS and dh are on the spectrum. Why you won’t entertain it? I know the school ‘don’t allow Sen’ but doesn’t mean it’s not there. He’s probably masking all day. You need to look at the bigger picture rather than each episode. And it’s all a bit not normal.

Neither of you work but your oldest goes to private school and your 3yo goes to full time nursery.

How do you and DH fill your days?

Does DH do any parenting?

This is really not normal. Why are you indulging this behaviour?

You are bringing your children up in a toxic and isolated environment and you don’t seem to want to do anything to make their lives better.

I’ve just read your other thread, you are in an abusive relationship and you don’t know any better because you were a child when you met him.

Your relationship and the way he treats the children are not normal and will be damaging them. You need solo counselling not couples counselling and support in leaving him to protect your children.

And why you seem to think his behaviour is in any way acceptable. You need some counselling and help to get away. For your children's sake if not your own.

Both parents do and unfortunately the children are paying the price.

Yes i tend to agree more I read it, more I think she's as bad !

More so, how do they afford it!!?

I am a stay at home mum, we have a one year old. And before anyone assumes, no I don’t live off my husband.

To be honest, I don’t really want to discuss our finances with strangers.

@MummyToMNandR Your posts really don’t make sense. Why would anyone assume you live off your husband if neither of you work? 🤔

But you're happy to discuss your marriage with strangers?

The fact that you are a stay at home mum isn't what's confusing people here. It's the fact that your husband is also a stay at home dad.

You obviously have money which is great. Can I suggest some family therapy for you and your husband and eldest? Your husband really needs to unpick where his fear is coming from as he has projected this on to your son. Not being allowed to go to other people’s houses has led him to be anxious. That’s now manifesting itself in other ways, it all needs help.