Page 7 | To be upset at what DH wrote in my birthday card?

PrincessOfPreschool · 2025-06-16T17:29:38+00:00

"I'm very fond of you." 22 years married! No 'I love you'. As this is AIBU, I fully expect half of you to say I should be grateful to have a DH who even gives me a birthday card and who is fond of me. Whilst the other half will say he's checked out of the marriage and I should LTB. But honestly, how would you feel?

DontTouchRoach · 17/06/2025 08:49

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 23:12

So we had a brief chat. He said he thought 'fond' is better than 'love' . He sees it as someone you really like being around (whereas love is more of a duty, maybe?). To be fair, English is not his first language. I said: to me it's more like what you'd say about our lovely neighbours ("I'm very fond of Colin and Sue" ) and he said, "No way! We have very different meanings of the word." 🤔 So it's either major miscommunication or he's doing a very clever backtrack. I still don't think he'd ever say he was 'fond' of the kids. I'll ask him that another time. Don't think I can let it lie just yet!

‘English isn’t his first language’ is quite the drip feed in a thread about the subtle nuances of English words.

You really need to laugh this one off and let it go.

Original poster

PrincessOfPreschool · 17/06/2025 11:35

To be fair to me, he's never yet used the word 'fond' even in the heady days of falling in love. So I'm not sure the 'nuance'/ English second language thing is entirely a drip feed. However, I do acknowledge I'm a bit intense and exhausting! Only had a brief conversation about it though.

OP posts:

StandingOvation · 17/06/2025 12:55

Depends on the humour you share. I’d have laughed and said “I say, I’m rather fond of you too!”

ExercicenformedeZ · 17/06/2025 19:20

PrincessOfPreschool · 17/06/2025 11:35

To be fair to me, he's never yet used the word 'fond' even in the heady days of falling in love. So I'm not sure the 'nuance'/ English second language thing is entirely a drip feed. However, I do acknowledge I'm a bit intense and exhausting! Only had a brief conversation about it though.

I feel bad for him. If you are 'intense and exhausting', he could indeed be getting tired of you, but instead of having a go at him, maybe work on yourself.

steff13 · 17/06/2025 22:03

His explanation coupled with the fact that English is good second language makes this seem like a simple miscommunication.

FinallyHere · 17/06/2025 22:15

It depends on your personnprivate relationship,

In our (DH & I) private world, ‘quite nice’ is the second highest form of praise. ‘Alright’ is the absolute highest.

that is consistent, a lovely private joke between us. Is that the sort of thing he is trying to do.

you can only ask. Hope it goes well

MizzThang · 21/06/2025 19:04

Absolutely! I say to my lovely BF of 13 years, and we’re very much happy with each other, “Well, I’ve made my bed now” as a very tongue-in-cheek thing. He gets it though, so it’s a ‘safe’ thing to say.

Skybluepinky · 21/06/2025 20:35

Was it a joke?
is that what he usually writes?
have u got any nagging doubts?
are they ND?

RakshaUK · 22/06/2025 01:37

Actions speak louder than words.
Do his actions make you feel loved?

TheSharpViper · 22/06/2025 01:57

I would be very upset.. what’s next year … a handshake??

TidyTealRobin · 22/06/2025 05:27

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 18:42

Fond”

You said you were fond of me.
Like I was a footstool.
Or a well-behaved spaniel
that doesn’t jump on guests.

Fond.
Not passionate.
Not taken, nor smitten,
not even mildly captivated.
Just —
fond.

Like I’m a flavour you don’t mind,
a song you hum but never learn the words to,
a cushion that’s always there,
but never quite your favourite.

You said it like a kindness
but it landed like a shrug.
Like you were offering a biscuit
to a dog who’d begged too long.

I wanted wild.
I wanted trembling hands
and a voice that caught on my name.
I wanted
you.

But you said you were fond of me.
Like you’d say to a garden gnome
you never asked for,
but now can’t be bothered to move.

This poem is wonderful. It says it all! I would share it with DH! TBH though, in a really long term relationship, isn't it normal to go through high, and low and in between phases? Maybe your husband feels a bit lukewarm towards you just now. It doesn't mean he always will! I'm sure you have felt, at times, that you can just about put up with him, rather than love him passionately. I find this happens in my relationship with long term DH. Then he does something, and I fall in love with him. I know, writing it in a birthday card is a bit much! You are definitely entitled to feeling a bit miffed. But it depends also on your style of communication. Some of us are brutally honest about how we feel and express it tactlessly. Others repress and deny that our feelings have changed and suddenly find themselves falling in love with a stranger. In a way, the strange birthday card may be an opportunity to discuss and revamp your relationship. Perhaps your relationship needs the attention and you didn't even realise it!

TidyTealRobin · 22/06/2025 06:18

I'm sorry I posted before I had read all of the post. Glad you are discussing your reaction and his intentions with you husband. I don't think your willingness to keep working on your relationship makes you anything negative. Intense, etc. Relationships do need attention. Each couple develop their own private ways with words over time. And it changes. And you are not a mind reader. I think your husband's foreign origin is a red herring. You probably know best how proficient he is with the English language! Some of us just assume foreigners can't speak English! But that really is a red herring here. What matters is what his intended meaning was, and whether you find it valid and plausible. I am not going to apologise for my more than two syllable words here! I am glad you are willing to work on your relationship despite the initial hurt. As the Australians say, "good on you"!

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/06/2025 07:05

LondonFox · 16/06/2025 22:43

Back to that song, I would understand the word fond very differently.

I am fond of a quilt that was passed to me,
from three generations of women before me.
And proud I carried it around the world with me.

I am fond of grandmas jug in murano glass,
grandad reminding true love will not pass.

I am fond of my husband who took time to see,
And accept things that matter the most to me.
Fond is more than just familiarity.

Show quote history

@LondonFox I love that poem. It describes what the word fond means to me.

@PrincessOfPreschool When I read your Op the first thing I thought of was that he would have meant to convey affection that has grown over the years that you have been together.

I get where your Dh is coming from in saying he thought fond was better than love. Because to me being fond of someone includes love and affection, warmth and familiarity.

The dictionary definition of fond is:

fond
(fɒnd )

Word forms: fonder, fondest
1. adjective B1+
If you are fond of someone, you feel affection for them.
I am very fond of Michael. [+ of]
She was especially fond of a little girl named Betsy. [+ of]
fondness uncountable noun
...a great fondness for children. [+ for]
Synonyms: devotion, love, affection, warmth More Synonyms of fond
2. adjective [ADJECTIVE noun]
You use fond to describe people or their behaviour when they show affection.
...a fond father.
He gave him a fond smile.
Synonyms: loving, caring, warm, devoted More Synonyms of fond

IPA Pronunciation Guide - COBUILD - Collins Dictionary Language Blog

Collins Dictionary provides an explanatory guide to the IPA pronunciation symbols used in our COBUILD English Dictionary.

https://blog.collinsdictionary.com/ipa-pronunciation-guide-cobuild/

FreddysFingers · 22/06/2025 07:11

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 18:42

Fond”

You said you were fond of me.
Like I was a footstool.
Or a well-behaved spaniel
that doesn’t jump on guests.

Fond.
Not passionate.
Not taken, nor smitten,
not even mildly captivated.
Just —
fond.

Like I’m a flavour you don’t mind,
a song you hum but never learn the words to,
a cushion that’s always there,
but never quite your favourite.

You said it like a kindness
but it landed like a shrug.
Like you were offering a biscuit
to a dog who’d begged too long.

I wanted wild.
I wanted trembling hands
and a voice that caught on my name.
I wanted
you.

But you said you were fond of me.
Like you’d say to a garden gnome
you never asked for,
but now can’t be bothered to move.

Excellent 😆🤣

Original poster

PrincessOfPreschool · 22/06/2025 08:27

Thank you everyone. This is one of the most mature, reflective and helpful AIBUs I have read. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts! Especially those helping me understand DH better. (Being 'fond of you' has already moved into our family's tradition in a humorous way, written in 2 cards since then!).

OP posts:

OneLemonGuide · 22/06/2025 08:47

KillerMounjaro · 16/06/2025 19:00

I actually think it’s quite nice. I think writing “I love you” in a card to your wife is just a generic automatic thing and can be done without thought. He has thought about you and decided to tell you he is very fond of you - it’s nice. I think that he loves you is implied and can be taken for granted. He’s saying that he likes you as well, which personally I think is even nicer.

I know nobody agrees with me though!

I actually agree with you. I think he was probably just using what he thought was a synonym for the word “love”, because, in his mind, it is. He probably doesn’t have the nuanced understanding of the word that many posters on here have, and his “crime” is a questionable application of the English language, nothing more.

OneLemonGuide · 22/06/2025 08:57

saraclara · 16/06/2025 23:37

So we had a brief chat. He said he thought 'fond' is better than 'love' He sees it as someone you really like being around

I hadn't seen this when I posted @PrincessOfPreschool . I agree with him. To me it says 'I see real value in you, I think you're a really great person and I feel happy and warm when I'm with you'.

That's so much better than a casual 'I love you', to me. And you got both in that card.

Edited

Absolutely…

I had a ex-DP who used to always be over-analysing the words I used, always seemingly understanding them as being used with the worst possible motive. I felt like I was on egg-shells all the time in case I said the wrong word that ended up being understood in a way that offended.

We need to understand that we all have slightly different understandings of particular words, and we should be gracious and understanding. If I was the OP, I’d accept her DHs explanation at face value, especially as English isn’t his first language.

The thing that will damage, and ultimately destroy, the OP’s relationship, isn’t his use of the word “fond”, but her insistence that it was used with bad intent, even when the DH has given a perfectly plausible explanation.

BigFatBully · 22/06/2025 11:29

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 23:12

So we had a brief chat. He said he thought 'fond' is better than 'love' . He sees it as someone you really like being around (whereas love is more of a duty, maybe?). To be fair, English is not his first language. I said: to me it's more like what you'd say about our lovely neighbours ("I'm very fond of Colin and Sue" ) and he said, "No way! We have very different meanings of the word." 🤔 So it's either major miscommunication or he's doing a very clever backtrack. I still don't think he'd ever say he was 'fond' of the kids. I'll ask him that another time. Don't think I can let it lie just yet!

Whoever taught him to speak English needs to be retrained. Fond is a lesser affectionate term than love. Understanding a new language is about understanding the context. I've tried learning French, Spanish etc and the words in our language don't always directly translate in to a word in a foreign language.

Laura95167 · 22/06/2025 11:33

I had a friend who's partner would sign "Best," then his name

saraclara · 22/06/2025 13:47

BigFatBully · 22/06/2025 11:29

Whoever taught him to speak English needs to be retrained. Fond is a lesser affectionate term than love. Understanding a new language is about understanding the context. I've tried learning French, Spanish etc and the words in our language don't always directly translate in to a word in a foreign language.

Show quote history

I disagree. It's not lesser, it's just different.

Romantic love is about passion and instinctive deep connection.
Fondness is about recognising a person's qualities and what they bring to your life in terms of warmth or kindness or encouragement, or any number of other pluses.

"Love you" has become a throwaway comment with little behind it. Choosing to use a word that's actually meaningful, would mean more to me.

LondonFox · 22/06/2025 22:06

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/06/2025 07:05

@LondonFox I love that poem. It describes what the word fond means to me.

@PrincessOfPreschool When I read your Op the first thing I thought of was that he would have meant to convey affection that has grown over the years that you have been together.

I get where your Dh is coming from in saying he thought fond was better than love. Because to me being fond of someone includes love and affection, warmth and familiarity.

The dictionary definition of fond is:

fond
(fɒnd )

Word forms: fonder, fondest
1. adjective B1+
If you are fond of someone, you feel affection for them.
I am very fond of Michael. [+ of]
She was especially fond of a little girl named Betsy. [+ of]
fondness uncountable noun
...a great fondness for children. [+ for]
Synonyms: devotion, love, affection, warmth More Synonyms of fond
2. adjective [ADJECTIVE noun]
You use fond to describe people or their behaviour when they show affection.
...a fond father.
He gave him a fond smile.
Synonyms: loving, caring, warm, devoted More Synonyms of fond

Show quote history

Tnx.
I do not write much.
Just patched this for OP bcs fond is more than love that is so easily mentioned.
DH was quite happy when I shared it with him bcs he knew how deep it goes in our relationship