To be upset at what DH wrote in my birthday card?

[PrincessOfPreschool]

"I'm very fond of you." 22 years married! No 'I love you'.

As this is AIBU, I fully expect half of you to say I should be grateful to have a DH who even gives me a birthday card and who is fond of me. Whilst the other half will say he's checked out of the marriage and I should LTB.

But honestly, how would you feel?

@PrincessOfPreschool its honestly hard to comment on what we think he means if we don’t have info on what he usually writes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people joke around a lot.. unclench, you may laugh

It’s what you say to someone when you want to let them down gently after a year or so, when you like them but they’re not “the one”.

It’s weird in a long term relationship.

But if he was on the point of ending things he wouldn’t do it via a hint in a card, surely. No one would be that crass.

(duplicated message in error so deleted)

Wow. Why do you say that in a card celebrating someone else?

I’d assume he was kidding - I got mine an anniversary card that said Not Bad For An Old Fella. I also like the Tim Minchin song that says “You’re not special. Well, you’re special but you fall within a bell curve…”

But if you don’t think that’s the sort of thing he’d say in jest, you probably need a chat.

A friend had a card made for Valentines Day, for her husband of 40-odd years. It said on the front 'To my satisfactory husband'.

We thought it was hilarious.

If it was a long running “in joke” I wouldn’t be arsed but if not I would just ask him what he meant by it.

@PrincessOfPreschool Context is everything, OP. Was this message unusual (i.e. does he normally write something like "I love you with all my heart") or does he always write something that sounds like he's damning you with faint praise? Only you know your DH, OP. If he normally writes something more loving then YANBU to be miffed. If, however, this weak expression of affection has been totally normal for the last 22 years, then YABU.

I think it shows he wanted to write something personal, rather than just an anodyne 'I love you'. To me, fond is about tenderness, heartfelt connection. It's not a word that describes passion or fire, but I wouldn't write about that in a card anyway.

Fond is a strange word to use. Was it a nice card? Was the sentiment in the printed verse? Did it say ‘I love you?’ In print and perhaps he didn’t want to use the same word again and settled on fond?

Does he have a sense of humour, because as others said maybe it was meant to be clumsily funny.

It’s not great if that’s not how he usually writes.

Indeed, but the fact that OP has even posted about this suggests it's not a normal expression of her DH's affection, in which case, she's not being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed.

@Oddsocksanduglyshoes Did you write that?!

I think it's all right. Maybe a bit downbeat but I think he was probably using typical British understatement.

I tell my dog I love her all the time. She, on the other hand. is probably slightly fond of me. But I know not to ask.

It's the sort of thing you'd say about your Granny or a pet, not your life partner.

definitely would feel off if I found that in my birthday card from DH.

Ergh, that’s really weird. It’s shit as a ‘joke’ and worse if it’s not.

I doubt it!

What? Never? 😂

She wasn't addressing that comment to the OP though!

I brought it up and he said, "But I did say 'I love you'". He actually said, "Love you, DH" at the end which I think is a sign off not a statement.

It was definitely not a joke. (I would find that funny, we have a lot of banter in our house with 3 older teens). I think it was a bit of a subconcious, don't-feel-close to you, just-writing-how-I-feel rather than deliberately designed to hurt but it was a bit of stab on my birthday! His cards to the kids are very heartfelt and lovely (and used to be to me). He is good at expressing himself and he is an emotional person. They have gradually got much less heartfelt but this was a new low!

Oh well, I guess it's good when something happens as an alarm bell but it did make me quite sad.

How awful.

Probably not. Doesn't strike me as the type to laugh/find humour in things...

Lol before my DD was married she sent her now DH a Valentine's card with the words " I tolerate you " on it. He obviously didn't mind as they've been married a good few years now

It depends upon his SOH but as OP says he was being serious, I'd be a bit hurt by that comment. I would not be able to stop myself saying something at the time though.

Oh. I'm sorry. But yes, maybe take notice of the alarm bell & see if you can get to the bittim
of his 'cooling'

best wishes xx