Page 4 | To be upset at what DH wrote in my birthday card?

PrincessOfPreschool · 2025-06-16T17:29:38+00:00

"I'm very fond of you." 22 years married! No 'I love you'. As this is AIBU, I fully expect half of you to say I should be grateful to have a DH who even gives me a birthday card and who is fond of me. Whilst the other half will say he's checked out of the marriage and I should LTB. But honestly, how would you feel?

AmelieSummer25 · 16/06/2025 19:52

Fundayout2025 · 16/06/2025 19:49

Lol before my DD was married she sent her now DH a Valentine's card with the words " I tolerate you " on it. He obviously didn't mind as they've been married a good few years now

One is funny, the other is not.

AngelicKaty · 16/06/2025 19:52

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 19:47

I brought it up and he said, "But I did say 'I love you'". He actually said, "Love you, DH" at the end which I think is a sign off not a statement.

It was definitely not a joke. (I would find that funny, we have a lot of banter in our house with 3 older teens). I think it was a bit of a subconcious, don't-feel-close to you, just-writing-how-I-feel rather than deliberately designed to hurt but it was a bit of stab on my birthday! His cards to the kids are very heartfelt and lovely (and used to be to me). He is good at expressing himself and he is an emotional person. They have gradually got much less heartfelt but this was a new low!

Oh well, I guess it's good when something happens as an alarm bell but it did make me quite sad.

Awww, in which case I'm very sorry for you OP and YANBU as his comment was very much a case of damning with faint praise. He needs to remember what he has and up his game.

Original poster

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 19:53

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 18:42

Fond”

You said you were fond of me.
Like I was a footstool.
Or a well-behaved spaniel
that doesn’t jump on guests.

Fond.
Not passionate.
Not taken, nor smitten,
not even mildly captivated.
Just —
fond.

Like I’m a flavour you don’t mind,
a song you hum but never learn the words to,
a cushion that’s always there,
but never quite your favourite.

You said it like a kindness
but it landed like a shrug.
Like you were offering a biscuit
to a dog who’d begged too long.

I wanted wild.
I wanted trembling hands
and a voice that caught on my name.
I wanted
you.

But you said you were fond of me.
Like you’d say to a garden gnome
you never asked for,
but now can’t be bothered to move.

Wow! That made me feel even worse... but I shall send it to DH! It will probably become a joke in the future and we shall write it in every card but for now, it hurts.

OP posts:

Isthisreasonable · 16/06/2025 19:53

Ouch. He sounds like he's generally comfortable expressing his emotions which makes this stand out. The Maya Angelou poem was spot on.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 16/06/2025 19:58

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 19:47

I brought it up and he said, "But I did say 'I love you'". He actually said, "Love you, DH" at the end which I think is a sign off not a statement.

It was definitely not a joke. (I would find that funny, we have a lot of banter in our house with 3 older teens). I think it was a bit of a subconcious, don't-feel-close to you, just-writing-how-I-feel rather than deliberately designed to hurt but it was a bit of stab on my birthday! His cards to the kids are very heartfelt and lovely (and used to be to me). He is good at expressing himself and he is an emotional person. They have gradually got much less heartfelt but this was a new low!

Oh well, I guess it's good when something happens as an alarm bell but it did make me quite sad.

I agree with a previous PP. I do think you need to get to the bottom of this, if it is a change. One valentines day I couldnt be bothered to get a card for my now ex-DH. Things weren't great. I cant even remember now if I got a card and signed it luke-warmly. I remember my feeling though more strongly - I just didnt want to. But unknown to me at the time he had been having an affair for a few months. Probably I was sensing something. When I found out at the easter I found her valentines card to him in his bag. The change is the issue.

Turmerictolly · 16/06/2025 19:59

I love that poem and it’s perfect for sending to your dh to ponder on.

AngelicKaty · 16/06/2025 19:59

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 19:53

Wow! That made me feel even worse... but I shall send it to DH! It will probably become a joke in the future and we shall write it in every card but for now, it hurts.

Show quote history

No, no, no OP, don't send it to him now - save it to write in his birthday card! 😉😂

Dweetfidilove · 16/06/2025 20:02

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 19:47

I brought it up and he said, "But I did say 'I love you'". He actually said, "Love you, DH" at the end which I think is a sign off not a statement.

It was definitely not a joke. (I would find that funny, we have a lot of banter in our house with 3 older teens). I think it was a bit of a subconcious, don't-feel-close to you, just-writing-how-I-feel rather than deliberately designed to hurt but it was a bit of stab on my birthday! His cards to the kids are very heartfelt and lovely (and used to be to me). He is good at expressing himself and he is an emotional person. They have gradually got much less heartfelt but this was a new low!

Oh well, I guess it's good when something happens as an alarm bell but it did make me quite sad.

In this case, I'm sorry. That'd really stingy.
I hope he's open to a conversation, as this is not looking great 💐.

Notoironing · 16/06/2025 20:05

My dm wrote in my DH’s birthday card ‘thank you for putting up with my daughter’. I was quite upset!!

Goodlorditssummer · 16/06/2025 20:09

Fond? I’m “fond” of my neighbours cat! But, more detail is required here op, this may well be normal for you as a couple? Or at least for him and you tolerate it…..

LeoLassie · 16/06/2025 20:10

I think you’re reading too much into it. He’s fond of you PLUS he loves you. As expressed in the sign-off.
I think as marriages age, the passion fizzles out a bit to be replaced by a warm, comfortable easiness - fondness - that is very precious - no? Maya Angelou doesn’t know everything! Though she’s a brilliant poet. (And she was probably writing about an early days relationship when ‘fond’ would be rubbish! )

But only you know your husband and whether you feel loved and appreciated or not.

terracelane23 · 16/06/2025 20:10

I think it’s cute! Wouldn’t bother me at all.

ExtraOnions · 16/06/2025 20:11

DH wrote “Good Luck” in our Wedding Guest Book … still makes me laugh (married 20 years)

… and yea, we are kind who would write “fond” or “I’m still too lazy to get Divorced” or “another acceptable year” .. it’s just our sense of humour

Jackiepumpkinhead · 16/06/2025 20:12

daisychain01 · 16/06/2025 19:43

It's the sort of thing you'd say about your Granny or a pet, not your life partner.

definitely would feel off if I found that in my birthday card from DH.

I tell my nan and my dog that I love them, because I do! Fond is for a trusty car you’ve had for 20 years or perhaps a kind neighbour.

Original poster

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 20:14

@OddsocksanduglyshoesIs it Maya Angelou? I can't find it online.

OP posts:

Ilovepastafortea · 16/06/2025 20:14

Married for 42 years.

DH will usually say something along the lines of 'To my best friend & lover' or 'I love you more as each day passes' or 'To my wife & the love of my life' . If he put that he was fond of me I'd be thinking WTF?

He's fond of our dog, he's fond of his car, his rose bushes, but I rank above all those & he tells me so everyday.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 20:17

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 20:14

@OddsocksanduglyshoesIs it Maya Angelou? I can't find it online.

It was in a poetry book but it was listed as being written by Anon

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 20:19

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 19:53

Wow! That made me feel even worse... but I shall send it to DH! It will probably become a joke in the future and we shall write it in every card but for now, it hurts.

Show quote history

Sorry didn’t mean to make you feel worse was in an anthology of poems I have

HideousKinky · 16/06/2025 20:19

I would also like to know who wrote that poem Oddsocksanduglyshoes?

HideousKinky · 16/06/2025 20:20

Sorry cross posted - I see you have now told us as much as you know!

MauriceTheMussel · 16/06/2025 20:21

Happy Birthday, OP!

Original poster

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 20:26

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 20:19

Sorry didn’t mean to make you feel worse was in an anthology of poems I have

Show quote history

It's a great poem! Well done, anon. It's OK to make me feel worse, it also validated my feelings! So have a proper talk to DH but not today.

OP posts:

Praying4Peace · 16/06/2025 20:26

TBF, some people (especially men) are not good at saying/writing' I love you'

PopeJoan2 · 16/06/2025 20:28

Maybe it’s a quote from a song in a musical where the man can’t bring himself to say the L word so uses fond instead. At the climax of the show he emerges out of his shell and belts out a rousing number where he proclaims his undying love - I La-la love yew!

CandyCane457 · 16/06/2025 20:35

As a sentimental person who keeps cards and makes holiday scrapbooks etc, the message my partner writes in every valentines, anniversary (we aren’t married but we do acknowledge our yearly anniversary of our first date!)Christmas and birthday card do mean a lot to me. He isn’t overly emotional verbally, tells me he loves me daily etc and is very affectionate, but every now and then I will tell him how much he means to me, I appreciate him, tell him things he does to make me happy or that I love about him, but he isn’t always great at returning these verbal sentiments and gets a bit bashful.
However in the four cards he gets me each year, he writes such beautiful things about his love for me, what our relationship means to him etc etc etc, and I adore these messages and will keep them forever. So yes, with this in mind, if in my next card he just wrote he was “fond” of me, I’d be really hurt too!