To be upset at what DH wrote in my birthday card?

[PrincessOfPreschool]

"I'm very fond of you." 22 years married! No 'I love you'.

As this is AIBU, I fully expect half of you to say I should be grateful to have a DH who even gives me a birthday card and who is fond of me. Whilst the other half will say he's checked out of the marriage and I should LTB.

But honestly, how would you feel?

YABU

He probably just didn’t want to write the word love twice.

Not everything needs to be analysed or get offended by.

It’s one word.
That would be the last card my DH got from me if he acted like you.

I'd be gutted.

Lots of people talking about how they do stuff like that as banter but if the two of you don’t and it’s a change to what he typically writes then it’s a bit weird and I’d enquire as to why you’d been downgraded to fond.

Back to that song, I would understand the word fond very differently.

I am fond of a quilt that was passed to me,
from three generations of women before me.
And proud I carried it around the world with me.

I am fond of grandmas jug in murano glass,
grandad reminding true love will not pass.

I am fond of my husband who took time to see,
And accept things that matter the most to me.
Fond is more than just familiarity.

Tease him about it - probably a joke but best to clear the air.

Golly gosh. That's a very lacklustre message. It's certainly not what you'd expect after 22 years. OP has your husband been distant recently? Could he be going through some sort of mental health issues?

a boyfriend once said that to me, it was when I knew that we had no real meaningful future, guess a husband of just over two decades is a bit different and I would ask him

I like Alice Walker's response to 'fond'. She sounds sexy and tough:

I’m really very fond of you,
he said.
I don’t like fond.
It sounds like something
you would tell a dog.
Give me love,
or nothing.
Throw your fond in a pond,
I said.
But what I felt for him
was also warm, frisky,
moist-mouthed,
eager,
and could swim away
if forced to do so.

Who wrote this ?

So we had a brief chat. He said he thought 'fond' is better than 'love' . He sees it as someone you really like being around (whereas love is more of a duty, maybe?). To be fair, English is not his first language. I said: to me it's more like what you'd say about our lovely neighbours ("I'm very fond of Colin and Sue" ) and he said, "No way! We have very different meanings of the word." 🤔 So it's either major miscommunication or he's doing a very clever backtrack. I still don't think he'd ever say he was 'fond' of the kids. I'll ask him that another time. Don't think I can let it lie just yet!

Thanks for that. Maybe that's how DH sees 'fond'

A character in a book I read decades ago states "I'm very fond of him" and the deliberate understated phrase shows us how much she actually cares-she is very quiet and not given to gushing declarations, meaning we take her feelings more seriously. It obviously had an impact on me as I remember it all these years later. Now, I don't know if he/you ever read that book, but the word "fond" can be quite meaningful. I wish you and he as much love and luck as those characters had.

We seem to be outliers. I like the word fond. It's warm and to me it implies that the person sees qualities in you, rather than just love/lust.

I used to tell my late husband that I rather liked him. It was only mildly light hearted.

People just throw 'love you' around in a meaningless and offhand way these days. I'm also not good at verbal sentimentality. So I'd find expressed fondness for me rather touching.

So we had a brief chat. He said he thought 'fond' is better than 'love' He sees it as someone you really like being around

I hadn't seen this when I posted @PrincessOfPreschool . I agree with him. To me it says 'I see real value in you, I think you're a really great person and I feel happy and warm when I'm with you'.

That's so much better than a casual 'I love you', to me. And you got both in that card.

I saw one card from my father to my mother, signed "your ever lovin' husband" sic!
They were married for 60 years and both had degrees!!!

A German colleague always says "Zat is sufficient" when somebody does as he asks in the line of his job.

I think it's his way of saying "Thanks very much", but doesn't carry quite the level of sincerity that he probably intends!

Hi OP, I'm not a native speaker but have been using English daily for almost 30 years and write in English for a living. I was not aware
of this 'meh', lukewarm connotation of 'fond of'.

I thought it was quite warm and suggesting an enduring sentiment, perhaps b/o 'remember fondly'. I'd say cut DH some slack.

That’s a fundamental reveal. Nuances of language are v hard to understand, even for pretty fluent speakers. If English isn’t his mother tongue, I’d be less concerned.

Surely actions speak louder than words in this instance… Whatever his choice of words, do you feel loved by him?

If your husband is not a native speaker, then it’s entirely possible he hasn’t picked up on very subtle nuances that seem obvious to you.

That's my husband's catchphrase. I tell him "I love you" and he replies "I'm fond of you too".

It kind of depends what's normal for you two.

I probably wouldn’t feel too fond for him.

Yes, he's been here even longer but I think sometimes subtleties bypass him. I think he thinks of it like you and some PPs. I feel better now, that some people genuinely see the word differently! I think historically it did have a different meaning.

Aha, now you've said English is not his first language, that makes perfect sense. Plenty of leeway allowed then, even if he's been here for a long time - it's very much a subtlety of meaning, of gradation between fond - - > love that native speakers are debating as the actual premise for this thread 👍

You sound exhausting!

It was literally one word and you’re going to keep bringing it up.

Poor guy.

It’s not often I feel sorry for the men on here but I do feel sorry for your DH.
I wouldn’t bother getting you a card in the future if this is how you act.

He’s explained it, and English isn’t his first language. I’m not sure what there is to not let lie. What exactly do you want the outcome to be?