Unreasonable response from DH

[SoppySalad]

My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good and there is no sneaky behaviour. DH is open with his phone/laptop and goes to and from work and doesn’t do a lot else.

So we were in Sainsbury’s and my husband had gone off to grab something whilst I was at the till. As he was walking back, the lady on the next till started to wave at him and I looked at her and then looked back to him and he was gone.

I carried on packing and watched as she began leaving the store, but just before leaving, she stopped and turned to look as if expecting someone to come over to her. Then she turned and left.

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

He exploded, which is very unusual for my husband. He said I was being jealous, does he have to give me her life story…he doesn’t know her, doesn’t speak to her in work and all he knows is she married to the bosses nephew. What’s he supposed to do, come and make awkward conversation with a colleague on his day off? He doesn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to be shopping.”

This response felt out of the blue and was very upsetting as I felt it was unwarranted. He proceeded to not join us for a family barbecue at my parents and ignored me all evening.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

I am beyond confused and hurt. It’s very out of character. He was under a lot of stress for context, as we also had a plumbing disaster that morning, with a big fix required. If he said he hadn’t wanted to come shopping, I’d have left him home.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

Seems like a weird overreaction from him. If he’d said oh it’s the bosses nephews wife you’d have thought nothing more about it.

Firstly since you were in Sainsbury’s I would assume you were shopping for food/dinner, in which case why does he get to be moody about going shopping. It’s a necessity to keep the cupboards stocked, it’s not a nice day out that you dragged him to.

It’s odd for him to react so much to quite a normal question from you, I’d ask my partner in the same situation and regardless of gender too. It’s not a jealousy thing, it’s just being curious about a potential work colleague, part of their life that you’re not that involved in.

If there aren’t any other signs that there is anything more to this, and he really was just under stress and over reacted then I’d leave it. He’s apologised. But I would be a bit more vigilant

I think you've both blown this up out of proportion. DH shouldn't have got so angry but really you had four things in one day that men hate: household emergency, shopping with spouse, meeting someone from work and a do with the inlaws. It was just a bad day, move on.

Does he have anxiety? I feel a sense of panic seeing someone from work whilst out and will avoid them unless we are very close. Strange and unsociable I know but it is what it is. My DH doesn't get it at all and I find it really embarrassing when he points it out.

No, no usually.

'My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good.'

First of all, this does not mean that someone isn't having an affair. It's meaningless in that regard.

No-one can tell you what the situation is from this small interaction in Sainsbury's. Him exploding over it does seem rather OTT but it is horrible to feel that your OH is insinuating that you are cheating. Could be a lot of reasons that he just couldn't be bothered to chat/wave to her.

I do understand that, and I know that he was already having a bad day. It was just not a normal reaction and it was upsetting. I guess quite likely just got blown out of proportion.

Thank you for responding.

This seems very odd if it is genuinely completely out of character. the problem is that there could be a million things going on. Just a few ideas off the top of my head.

He's got a lot more going on at work than he's telling you and for watever reason, he can't/won't/doesn't feel comfortable sharing.

He actually regularly ensures you don't question/ask him things and you just don't notice or have adjusted.

He is getting frustrated because he often does things he doesn't want to do just to make you happy/please you/stop you from complaining - eg shopping. And for whatever reason (age, stage, other life stresses) this is now reaching boiling point for him.

This woman has made his life difficult in some way that he has not shared with you and he is defensive.

He has done something wrong and this woman might know about it/cause you to find out.

I’d be going back to that shop with him if it’s a non issue

Although to put your mind at rest if she knew you were there with him, she wouldn’t wave if there was a big secret would she?

To clarify, both she and I were shopping. On the tills next to each other. We don’t know one another.
My husband was walking towards the till and obviously caught her eye. I doubt she would have realised he was coming over to me.
But then he diverted and disappeared.

He said he acknowledged her back with a wave and went to check on something else he needed.

I don't think there was anything else he needed. He saw her and did a runner, only coming back when she had left.

Why wouldn't he say to you, "Sorry, just saw X at the next till and couldn't be bothered talking to her"?

You’re the one who’s married to him and your senses are obviously telling you something

Getting angry often (though not always) means guilt

Probably just didn’t want to talk to someone from work. I’ve been known to to dive into a random shop to avoid someone. His reaction was a bit strange though.

That was my confusion. I was expecting ‘God, I just saw Hannah I work with. I didn’t want to talk to her, so I just hid for a moment’.

He said nothing. Then when I prompted seemed evasive and then exploded. It was a non-issue…until it wasn’t.

It could have been a rough day. But it was all an over reaction.

Going through my mind was, perhaps he didn’t want her to see me, or maybe he talks to her in work and they are quite familiar - more so than he’d like me to know.

He scoffed at both and simply says he’s not given me any reason to worry. I can check his phone, work emails, whatever. But he doesn’t get that it wasn’t seeing the woman that caused this, it was his reaction. I just don’t get it. Hoping it was just an off day and he was angry and took it out on me.

Just to add, I had no suspicions of wrong doing before this reaction. He doesn’t do anything that screams affair or cheating.

Sorry but that's fucking weird - unless he's generally prone to similar behaviour (and you say he isn't) then something is definitely off. The fact he disappeared when he saw this woman and his explosive reaction to your question mean's he's hiding something.

No, never experienced anything like this.

Well, if he says you can check his messages etc, I'd be checking them!

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Did you see him wave? No, you saw him catch her eye and quickly turn heel and run away.

His reaction says everything. He wasn’t anxious, he was panicking. I would be highly suspicious.

The thing is I use his phone frequently. I see messages come through from colleagues all the time. Not that I read them. I also make calls from his phone, use his internet, sometimes use his email, check for an email to do with our house that has come through but he has forgotten to show me etc. I’ve never seen anything untoward. He’s not attached to the phone or scared to leave it out. Same with his laptop etc.

I experienced a number of similar "out of the blue" and uncharacteristic episodes with my DH (married 26 years). For example, suddenly leaving stores and even a restaurant once! He was became highly explosive and nasty when questioned. The truth eventually unfolded and yes, it was another woman. We were "happily" married and rarely apart so the whole thing utterly blindsided me. Just for reference, he had another phone I didn't know about.

I am now. I wan’t at the time. His reaction to me was so bizarre.

He blames it on stress.
Not wanting to be interrogated.
Not feeling like he has to give me the background information of people he doesn’t even know well himself.
He was already p’d off.
He doesn’t like seeing people from work.
etc

again, those are a lot of excuses for running away from a man who apparently waved to his colleague and remembered he needed something else. He can’t have both ran away because he’s stressed and doesn’t want to be “interrogated” and also not have run away at all.

Fuck bumping into someone from work on your day off and having to make boring small talk that’s only usually reserved for the office. I’d be fuming too.