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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unreasonable response from DH

155 replies

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 12:11

My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good and there is no sneaky behaviour. DH is open with his phone/laptop and goes to and from work and doesn’t do a lot else.

So we were in Sainsbury’s and my husband had gone off to grab something whilst I was at the till. As he was walking back, the lady on the next till started to wave at him and I looked at her and then looked back to him and he was gone.

I carried on packing and watched as she began leaving the store, but just before leaving, she stopped and turned to look as if expecting someone to come over to her. Then she turned and left.

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

He exploded, which is very unusual for my husband. He said I was being jealous, does he have to give me her life story…he doesn’t know her, doesn’t speak to her in work and all he knows is she married to the bosses nephew. What’s he supposed to do, come and make awkward conversation with a colleague on his day off? He doesn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to be shopping.”

This response felt out of the blue and was very upsetting as I felt it was unwarranted. He proceeded to not join us for a family barbecue at my parents and ignored me all evening.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

I am beyond confused and hurt. It’s very out of character. He was under a lot of stress for context, as we also had a plumbing disaster that morning, with a big fix required. If he said he hadn’t wanted to come shopping, I’d have left him home.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Allergycream · 16/06/2025 14:18

Omg i was your husband to day i was out i have a week off so went for a mooch around town with my sister.
And yep someone from work was in the shop i dont know them only at face value thats it.
She waved i gave a hands up hi and walked around the other side.
I dont want to stand and make small talk to someone i dont know other than seeing them at work.
My sister said you can go and chat come find me affter i said i cant be bothered i dont know her and really dont want to lets go get coffee.
She said fair enough that was that.

AngelicKaty · 16/06/2025 14:20

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:57

He could. But I don’t see it. I don’t have that feeling. I don’t feel affair. But I do feel somethings up. I’m just not sure what. Could be that they talk and flirt in the break room for example.

I think it could be as simple as this. Maybe they're not having an affair, but he's developed feelings for her from friendly work interactions and it's these feelings that he knows he shouldn't be having that are causing his feelings of guilt (because there's no doubt, his explosive over-reaction was that of a man who has something to feel guilty about, even if it's fairly benign by most people's standards).
You shouldn't be allowing him to continue to treat you like you've done something wrong when you absolutely haven't. At a convenient time later today, I think you should ask him "Why are you treating me like I've done something wrong when I haven't?"

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:25

I feel so sad.

48 hours ago I felt so loved and so fancied and so content. He really does make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Very affectionate.

Now today, I’m wondering whether he fancies some random women I saw at Sainsbury’s. Or worse having a secret affair (although I’m still struggling with the logistics of the second one).

I don’t even know where to go from here? How do I clarify what the deal is? How do I uncover the truth? How do I find out?

OP posts:
LoveItaly · 16/06/2025 14:25

Crikey, we all have off days and can be a bit preoccupied or stressed. Maybe he was thinking about the plumbing issue and stewing over that, didn’t want to be in the supermarket and then saw an annoying colleague who he couldn’t be arsed to speak to. Then he gets grilled on who she is and why he avoided her.

Avoiding the bbq was a bit much, but maybe he felt out of sorts and just wanted to be by himself for an evening? Of course it could be something else, which involves this woman, but I think at this stage you should just drop it but keep a watchful for anything else. Snooping at this stage would be totally out of order in my opinion.

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:26

LoveItaly · 16/06/2025 14:25

Crikey, we all have off days and can be a bit preoccupied or stressed. Maybe he was thinking about the plumbing issue and stewing over that, didn’t want to be in the supermarket and then saw an annoying colleague who he couldn’t be arsed to speak to. Then he gets grilled on who she is and why he avoided her.

Avoiding the bbq was a bit much, but maybe he felt out of sorts and just wanted to be by himself for an evening? Of course it could be something else, which involves this woman, but I think at this stage you should just drop it but keep a watchful for anything else. Snooping at this stage would be totally out of order in my opinion.

I keep forgetting this. I think I’m feeling too emotional right now.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForACat · 16/06/2025 14:28

Didimum · 16/06/2025 14:06

Fuming at who?

The situation of nearly bumping into someone I didn’t want to. Dunno why he took it out on the wife tho

Allergycream · 16/06/2025 14:28

Op you know your husband more than anyone on this thread.
Dont let posters with their comments get in your head.
Having an affair he dont want to be seen with you bla bla bla fuck off.
We all have them days we all say something we regret.
Just because hes a man MN will go straight to the hes cheating hes done something.
You sound like you have a good marriage with the normal ups and downs.
He just might be like me on a day off i dont want small talk with work people and i will avoid them.
He knows he said something that up set you he has said sorry just let it go have a cup of tea.

Doorsways · 16/06/2025 14:29

OP, not sure what he is up to but that nastiness would be a huge deal to me.

I would not be getting over that.
He's punishing you for his appalling behaviour after seeing a colleague and running away.

No way would I be getting over that and he would know it.

Allergycream · 16/06/2025 14:30

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:25

I feel so sad.

48 hours ago I felt so loved and so fancied and so content. He really does make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Very affectionate.

Now today, I’m wondering whether he fancies some random women I saw at Sainsbury’s. Or worse having a secret affair (although I’m still struggling with the logistics of the second one).

I don’t even know where to go from here? How do I clarify what the deal is? How do I uncover the truth? How do I find out?

Dont let MN comments get in your head ive seen it on here before.
Only you really know him.

mum11970 · 16/06/2025 14:31

If all his time is pretty much accounted for I would think it’s more likely something to do with work and he was worried she’d mention it in front of you. Any chance he’s cocked up in work and has a disciplinary coming up or an issue with another colleague?

ginasevern · 16/06/2025 14:31

Whether he's having a full blown affair or flirting, who knows. But he definitely didn't want you to get into conversation with this woman. It could be that she knows he is having an affair with someone or he could be in trouble at work for some other completely different reason. Maybe he's done something foolishly embarrassing or is about to lose his job. Maybe it's something quite trivial but he's ultra sensitive about it. Either way, he really wanted to keep you two apart for sure.

Trabbling · 16/06/2025 14:31

Allergycream · 16/06/2025 14:18

Omg i was your husband to day i was out i have a week off so went for a mooch around town with my sister.
And yep someone from work was in the shop i dont know them only at face value thats it.
She waved i gave a hands up hi and walked around the other side.
I dont want to stand and make small talk to someone i dont know other than seeing them at work.
My sister said you can go and chat come find me affter i said i cant be bothered i dont know her and really dont want to lets go get coffee.
She said fair enough that was that.

You yelled at your sister and refused to speak to her for the rest of the day? No? So you were nothing like the OP's DH then.....

BoredZelda · 16/06/2025 14:31

For me it would be the way you asked the question. Patronising and accusatory. Do you have form for speaking to him in that way?

Wouldn’t it have been simpler to just let it slide, or ask “who was that?”

longtompot · 16/06/2025 14:31

ginasevern · 16/06/2025 13:38

I experienced a number of similar "out of the blue" and uncharacteristic episodes with my DH (married 26 years). For example, suddenly leaving stores and even a restaurant once! He was became highly explosive and nasty when questioned. The truth eventually unfolded and yes, it was another woman. We were "happily" married and rarely apart so the whole thing utterly blindsided me. Just for reference, he had another phone I didn't know about.

A woman who was having a prem baby at the same time as me discovered her partner was having an affair when the midwife who was looking after her came into the room and he disappeared. She found out he was having an affair with the midwife. It was such an awful time, but I didn't know her so didn't know what to do, so I left a note on her bed to say I was there if she wanted to talk and gave her my details should she wish to get in touch. We stayed in touch for a few years, but even now if I saw her we would stop to chat. I hope she is happy now. She was such a lovely woman.

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:31

mum11970 · 16/06/2025 14:31

If all his time is pretty much accounted for I would think it’s more likely something to do with work and he was worried she’d mention it in front of you. Any chance he’s cocked up in work and has a disciplinary coming up or an issue with another colleague?

No I don’t think so. He’s applying for a promotion and stands an excellent chance at getting it.

OP posts:
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:33

BoredZelda · 16/06/2025 14:31

For me it would be the way you asked the question. Patronising and accusatory. Do you have form for speaking to him in that way?

Wouldn’t it have been simpler to just let it slide, or ask “who was that?”

I don’t think I do. But then perhaps he felt differently in that particular moment. I don’t know.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 16/06/2025 14:35

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:33

I don’t think I do. But then perhaps he felt differently in that particular moment. I don’t know.

Has he been to an office party where they might have gotten a bit carried away? Something definitely is off with his reaction and I would play detective to find out who she is and what about her made him panic.

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 14:37

arcticpandas · 16/06/2025 14:35

Has he been to an office party where they might have gotten a bit carried away? Something definitely is off with his reaction and I would play detective to find out who she is and what about her made him panic.

Nope. He hasn’t been to an office party in years. He doesn’t bother.

OP posts:
Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 14:37

Very odd behaviour, trust your gut definitely looks like he’s hiding something.

Bulldog01 · 16/06/2025 14:38

Why would this woman show interest in your Husband? while in a supermarket with his wife! I would also feel like you do.When you & him feel comfortable bring up the conversation regarding the mystery behind this woman & him. I have experienced these thoughts while being married, they feel unpleasant & awkward.It may well be something innocent, but you are feeling this for a reason & I would not be happy untill I was satisfied with his response.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 16/06/2025 14:39

Will he listen to you, if you sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling? “DH, I’m feeling a bit hurt and really concerned about you after the way you reacted the other day. It’s so unlike you, is everything ok?” Or is he likely to fly off the handle again?

ginasevern · 16/06/2025 14:40

arcticpandas · 16/06/2025 14:35

Has he been to an office party where they might have gotten a bit carried away? Something definitely is off with his reaction and I would play detective to find out who she is and what about her made him panic.

This. I would very discretely play detective from now on OP. Once the first signs of something wrong slip out, it's usually much easier to see a pattern forming.

MargolyesofBeelzebub · 16/06/2025 14:47

It sounds like he was having a shit day and had a lot on his mind and someone he knows was all "Yoo hoo!" in the supermarket and he thought "Oh god not now" so disappeared (I am hugely introverted and like that every day other than my absolute best mood days 😂).

Then with your questions, felt defensive. If he's a good husband, he probably felt bad about it but was also having a shit day and didn't feel like going to the BBQ and spoiling the atmosphere by being grumpy. I wouldn't read more into it than that. Yes he was over the top with his response and has apologised, I'd leave it there if you've got zero other suspicions.

Sharptonguedwoman · 16/06/2025 14:49

MyKingdomForACat · 16/06/2025 13:42

Fuck bumping into someone from work on your day off and having to make boring small talk that’s only usually reserved for the office. I’d be fuming too.

Fuming because of a sticky conversation in the supermarket? Living life on the edge!

Sandy420 · 16/06/2025 14:51

Do you think he might just have been embarrassed that he ran away from a work mate so he didn't have to talk to her? That he felt a bit stupid when you asked about it and got cross because he felt a bit humiliated?

Please keep in mind that I was on an affair thread previously and suggested there might be an innocent explanation - and unfortunately I was wrong. Hoping I'm not wrong on this one.

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