Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unreasonable response from DH

155 replies

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 12:11

My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good and there is no sneaky behaviour. DH is open with his phone/laptop and goes to and from work and doesn’t do a lot else.

So we were in Sainsbury’s and my husband had gone off to grab something whilst I was at the till. As he was walking back, the lady on the next till started to wave at him and I looked at her and then looked back to him and he was gone.

I carried on packing and watched as she began leaving the store, but just before leaving, she stopped and turned to look as if expecting someone to come over to her. Then she turned and left.

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

He exploded, which is very unusual for my husband. He said I was being jealous, does he have to give me her life story…he doesn’t know her, doesn’t speak to her in work and all he knows is she married to the bosses nephew. What’s he supposed to do, come and make awkward conversation with a colleague on his day off? He doesn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to be shopping.”

This response felt out of the blue and was very upsetting as I felt it was unwarranted. He proceeded to not join us for a family barbecue at my parents and ignored me all evening.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

I am beyond confused and hurt. It’s very out of character. He was under a lot of stress for context, as we also had a plumbing disaster that morning, with a big fix required. If he said he hadn’t wanted to come shopping, I’d have left him home.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Didimum · 16/06/2025 16:21

OP, maybe he was embarrassed at himself for having blanked his co-worker who he didn't want to see. Not a reasonable reaction and you definitely deserve the apology, but some people act stupidly when they are embarrassed at themselves.

Finmory · 16/06/2025 16:26

Deeply suspicious behaviour from your DP OP.

Also strange that he'd behave this way towards a woman who's not only a colleague but also married to the boss's nephew. Since she clearly saw him it was very odd of him to turn around and run away without so much as a polite wave back.

Doesn't really add up to me. And as for the fact he dragged it out all day and into the next morning... that's guilt or anxiety which would make me suspicious

AprilShowers25 · 16/06/2025 16:31

I can totally understand feeling awkward or anxious bumping into someone you are not expecting however if it happened to me, I would be saying to my husband ‘oh god I spotted Sandra from work so I hid down aisle 3 until she had gone’. It’s his reaction that is the most suspicious.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/06/2025 16:31

The normal thing to do, once he calmed down and apologised, would be to say that you want to talk to him about it and they would have a chat.

But OP can't do that because she either a) knows he will blow up again, blame her and sulk some more or b) is afraid that he will blow up again, blame her and sulk some more.

That's what OP should be addressing right now. Why can't she talk to her husband about something that is bothering her.

She will probably come to the conclusion that his behaviour is designed to control hers. And that opens up the real problems with the relationship.

In a nutshell.

Daisydiary · 16/06/2025 16:33

Just for context, if we see colleagues out and about locally, we introduce each other to them! That’s what I’d call normal.

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 16:37

StooOrangeyForCrows · 16/06/2025 15:44

Does his work colleagues even know about you? Do they all think he's single?

When you go out together, does he ever behave as if he doesn't want to be seen with you? Does he avoid going out at all?

I would do the run and hide thing but not the exploding thing. You are right OP, it is weirdly OTT for there to be absolutely zero to it.

Look for a second phone in his car or bag. He might keep it at work of course.

Yes, his colleagues know me. I’m normally invited out if they go for coffee.

OP posts:
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 16:43

WallaceinAnderland · 16/06/2025 16:31

The normal thing to do, once he calmed down and apologised, would be to say that you want to talk to him about it and they would have a chat.

But OP can't do that because she either a) knows he will blow up again, blame her and sulk some more or b) is afraid that he will blow up again, blame her and sulk some more.

That's what OP should be addressing right now. Why can't she talk to her husband about something that is bothering her.

She will probably come to the conclusion that his behaviour is designed to control hers. And that opens up the real problems with the relationship.

In a nutshell.

Yes. I see this and it hurts.

OP posts:
SoMauveMonty · 16/06/2025 16:46

AprilShowers25 · 16/06/2025 16:31

I can totally understand feeling awkward or anxious bumping into someone you are not expecting however if it happened to me, I would be saying to my husband ‘oh god I spotted Sandra from work so I hid down aisle 3 until she had gone’. It’s his reaction that is the most suspicious.

Agree.
Hi reaction has made would should've been a non issue an issue.
And i'd have very little tolerance for him dragging his arsey behaviour into the next day. If he's cross that you seemed suspicious it's entirely on him for acting suspiciously!

DiscoBob · 16/06/2025 16:54

I kind of see if he just wasn't keen on her/don't really know her and didn't want to make small talk after he'd just done the big shop, then it's reasonable enough to dodge her. Especially If she's the type to stop and chat for ages.

But he shouldn't have got so angry. I guess he just wanted to get home and didn't want to talk about this random woman. And he could have felt a bit exasperated if he felt you were having suspicions about him fancying her/doing something with her?

Anyway, I hope he apologised for his outburst. But I wouldn't assume there's anything going on with the woman in question.

StopStartStop · 16/06/2025 17:54

He knows the woman too well. He didn't want you to know that. He's angry to be caught out.
Doesn't look good, OP.

OneMintWasp · 16/06/2025 18:00

JLou08 · 16/06/2025 12:22

Does he have anxiety? I feel a sense of panic seeing someone from work whilst out and will avoid them unless we are very close. Strange and unsociable I know but it is what it is. My DH doesn't get it at all and I find it really embarrassing when he points it out.

Yes my husband would hide if he saw someone from work. He also gets incredibly stressed in a supermarket. I think if you put the two together he would snap! As someone else mentioned, if you added a DIY emergency and a family gathering in to the mix that would probably result in him having to go for a long run when he gets home to relax!

babyproblems · 16/06/2025 18:08

It could be he knows her from elsewhere, not work… I’d be looking online and seeing if she was friends with him on Facebook or colleagues on LinkedIn. Based on your replies op I’d be thinking it’s not from work

pinkglitter12 · 16/06/2025 18:10

I also hide/ run when I see people from work, its awkward and unnecessary, especially if they talk loads. He's just there to shop, not surprised he took one look and walked right back, I'd have done the same

xPenelopePitstop · 16/06/2025 18:11

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:19

To clarify, both she and I were shopping. On the tills next to each other. We don’t know one another.
My husband was walking towards the till and obviously caught her eye. I doubt she would have realised he was coming over to me.
But then he diverted and disappeared.

He said he acknowledged her back with a wave and went to check on something else he needed.

I don’t know what it is but if I see someone I know (who isn’t a friend) in the supermarket I avoid them like the plague.

But your H’s reaction was OTT. He could have simply said to you “sorry that was X from work, she rabbits on and I couldn’t be arsed to stand and chat” and then everyone could have moved on.

pinkglitter12 · 16/06/2025 18:12

StopStartStop · 16/06/2025 17:54

He knows the woman too well. He didn't want you to know that. He's angry to be caught out.
Doesn't look good, OP.

Wth....

Hoooray · 16/06/2025 18:18

I think some sanity needs to be injected into this post. He reacted explosively to an insinuation that he was being unfaithful or sneaky, which came in the middle of an objectively bad day, but in all other ways your relationship is good and he has never acted suspiciously or given you cause for concern.

I really don't think you need to be unduly worried about this. When you've both cooled off I would probably apologise for the insinuation that he was being sneaky or suspicious, and ask him if he's feeling stressed or overwhelmed because you feel that the conversation blew up unnecessarily.

Poppinjay · 16/06/2025 18:18

AudiobookListener · 16/06/2025 12:18

I think you've both blown this up out of proportion. DH shouldn't have got so angry but really you had four things in one day that men hate: household emergency, shopping with spouse, meeting someone from work and a do with the inlaws. It was just a bad day, move on.

WTF? Are you for real?

This is an adult you are talking about. Why should the OP treat him like an overtired toddler?

He has overreacted massively for a reason. It's quite clear what the most likely reason is and it's not because men don't like food shopping😡

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 18:21

babyproblems · 16/06/2025 18:08

It could be he knows her from elsewhere, not work… I’d be looking online and seeing if she was friends with him on Facebook or colleagues on LinkedIn. Based on your replies op I’d be thinking it’s not from work

She definitely works there. I checked the website today. Different dept though. I have looked at his SM and they aren’t friends. I also looked at her SM and she is indeed married to who he said. They aren’t even friends on his work SM account.

He’s home and has apologised again, and he’s back to his normal cuddly self. Not sure where to go with this next to be honest.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/06/2025 18:24

Best form of defence is attack ... comes to mind.

Horses7 · 16/06/2025 18:25

Strange, keep your eyes peeled even though it’s probably nothing.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 16/06/2025 18:29

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 18:21

She definitely works there. I checked the website today. Different dept though. I have looked at his SM and they aren’t friends. I also looked at her SM and she is indeed married to who he said. They aren’t even friends on his work SM account.

He’s home and has apologised again, and he’s back to his normal cuddly self. Not sure where to go with this next to be honest.

The fact that there’s no link between them anywhere online, but she was waving at him like they were best buddies is even more weird. It’s just odd all round. If it’s not an affair, there’s definitely something else going on. Maybe she’s come onto him and he rejected her, and he feels awkward about it. Still not an excuse for the way he’s behaved.

I do think you need to tell him how this has made you feel, not in an accusatory aggressive start an argument way, but from a place of concern. At the very least, his behaviour has massively unsettled you.

It’s such a small incident in the day to day of life, but it’s clearly had a big impact on you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/06/2025 18:30

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 18:21

She definitely works there. I checked the website today. Different dept though. I have looked at his SM and they aren’t friends. I also looked at her SM and she is indeed married to who he said. They aren’t even friends on his work SM account.

He’s home and has apologised again, and he’s back to his normal cuddly self. Not sure where to go with this next to be honest.

Talk to him. Tell him you know something isn't right and that you haven’t bought his bullshit and want the truth. Don't accept his apology until you're happy with his explanation.

Shoxfordian · 16/06/2025 18:35

Tell him his reaction was unacceptable and you're not happy with it. Does he often behave like this? Its not ok

MyHouseInThePrairie · 16/06/2025 18:37

He’s home and has apologised again, and he’s back to his normal cuddly self. Not sure where to go with this next to be honest.

Id take that as the clue he has finally calmed down and I would bring the subject again, asking him wtf happened. Incl the fact the way he reacted was neither proportionate nor acceptable.
And that you won’t settle down fur plain excuses because otherwise it’s going to eat you wondering what was going on and whether somethimg sinister was going on (the sinister could easily be her who chased after him at some
oint agd him saying NO which then created ‘issues’ he’d rather forget btw)

GravyBoatWars · 16/06/2025 18:38

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

His reaction was excessive but this would have annoyed me, too. He gave you extremely clear signals that he didn't want to get in a discussion about it then and there without getting angry or rude and yet you pressed on. Why? You frame it here as you asking in an understanding way but regardless of your tone you were completely dismissing what he wanted/didn't want right then and essentially backing him into a corner of doing what you wanted (having the discussion right then) or getting angry.