Unreasonable response from DH

[SoppySalad]

My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good and there is no sneaky behaviour. DH is open with his phone/laptop and goes to and from work and doesn’t do a lot else.

So we were in Sainsbury’s and my husband had gone off to grab something whilst I was at the till. As he was walking back, the lady on the next till started to wave at him and I looked at her and then looked back to him and he was gone.

I carried on packing and watched as she began leaving the store, but just before leaving, she stopped and turned to look as if expecting someone to come over to her. Then she turned and left.

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

He exploded, which is very unusual for my husband. He said I was being jealous, does he have to give me her life story…he doesn’t know her, doesn’t speak to her in work and all he knows is she married to the bosses nephew. What’s he supposed to do, come and make awkward conversation with a colleague on his day off? He doesn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to be shopping.”

This response felt out of the blue and was very upsetting as I felt it was unwarranted. He proceeded to not join us for a family barbecue at my parents and ignored me all evening.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

I am beyond confused and hurt. It’s very out of character. He was under a lot of stress for context, as we also had a plumbing disaster that morning, with a big fix required. If he said he hadn’t wanted to come shopping, I’d have left him home.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

His unusual reaction sounds low level DARVO to me. For whatever reason, maybe an emotional work wife affair.Maybe he just fancies her.

@SoppySalad he sounds guilty as hell . Kicked off to stop you asking questions.
What is he guilty of op. ?

It’s giving off other women vibes and you need to find out in more .

It could be that nothing has happened but he’s started laying the ground work by telling this woman he’s separated. He might not have time right now, but he might have been thinking of making time by getting a new “gym membership” (or you know, something like that might have been coming next). It all starts somewhere. I have known people to have a secret phone, so no cagey attitude about their regular phone.

I’m not saying there’s no possible other explanation but his reaction was definitely weird.

Had he pulled a sickie and didn’t want to get caught?

I think he compartmentalizes work and home. Work interfered with home and he didn't like it.

Nothing to do with affairs.

I was away on holiday with my family and my DH came into the hotel room to find us watching a TV show that was one he had produced. He exploded because he "didn't want to think about work while on holiday"

same thing. And he definitely wasn't having an affair with the TV...

@LoveItaly @Allergycream I would normally agree with your comments about MNetters immediately jumping to "he's having an affair, LTB", but revisit the conversation as @SoppySalad has recounted it:

OP "I think the lady on the next till knew you?"
DH "Yes."
OP "Work?"
DH "Yes."
OP "Hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

Then her DH exploded, which OP tells us "is very unusual" for her DH. She's also told us he said she "was being jealous". What an odd thing to say. If he was stressed, thinking about the plumbing issue and didn't want to be shopping because he hates it (they both do) I can imagine him saying something like 'Oh FGS, I don't have the bandwidth for a colleague I barely know when I've had such a stressful morning [with the plumbing]' but why would he suggest OP is "jealous"? @SoppySalad do you have form for being jealous over your DH around other women? If not, why do you think your DH even used that word?

I can understand OP's DH not attending the family BBQ if he felt stressed from the plumbing issue, but OP also tells us he "ignored me all evening" - why would he do that? What has OP done that's warranted this treatment? And he's still being off with her today, even though he apologised later for his initial response - if he's apologised and it's all done and dusted, why's he still being off with OP?
OP does indeed know her DH better than anyone else, but she's posted here for a reason and part of that reason is that his response was out of character.

@SoppySalad If you have no form for being jealous about your DH - and your questioning of him was benign and not accusatory in any way (nor could be misconstrued as such), I think you need to ask yourself - and probably him - why he thought to suggest you were "being jealous"?

No. Nothing like that.

Yes, this was my thought too. Not an actual affair, but feelings he has about her that make him feel guilty.

I think he stayed behind and don’t go to the bbq because he had some explaining to do to that women. ?
Remember op people can silent txts and calls they can have secret apps hidden you wouldn’t find unless you specifically typed them in .
He could also be deleting everything .

He may also have a secret phone .

Is it possible he's in some kind of trouble at work he hasn't told you about?

I think YANBU to be suspicious. His reaction to bumping into a work-related acquaintance in Sainsbury's (a completely normal occurance unless you live some distance away from work) was decidedly strange.

"Fuming" is a huge overreaction for anyone who bumps into anyone innocuous.

Christ what a load of anti social apologists on this thread.

I presume you’re the types who never open the door and who think that visiting someone is rude.

It’s perfectly understandable not to want to bump into someone at the supermarket and to avoid them. It’s a bit pathetic, after all if they’ve seen you then it looks a bit obvious and a quick hello and then “just in a rush” isn’t going to kill anyone.

But to be evasive when asked about them, to then expload into nasty abusive behaviour, skip a pre-arranged bbq and then lapsee into the silent treatment most certainly is not normal. and anyone who actually thinks that’s ok or that he should have been given a free pass isn’t normal either or is abusive as he has been. Because yes, giving the silent treatment is abusive behaviour.

OP you did nothing wrong. Ignore anyone who is trying to make you think that the poor tosser love needs to be given a break on the basis of “stress.” He doesn’t, and he owes you the bloody moon on a stick for that behaviour.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

The issue first me is that he didn’t apologise as such.
The problem wasn’t that he was evasive (interesting though that it is what he chose to highlight). It’s the fact he exploded the way he did.

And then he found excuses to explain that as ‘he was annoyed and irritated’ (by what? By who?).

These are not apologies or showing he knows his reaction was OTT.

I also noticed he still hasn’t told you who it was. Which really if it was so insignificant or being evasive was the issue should easily have been solved by telling you as soon as he had calmed down.

I think if it’s an affair, the lady will wait for him either at the till or outside because she does not know that you’re together, she won’t just leave so I’m really not certain it’s an affair. Not with her anyway, except it’s with her friend or someone she works with so I just know there’s some familiarity he does not want you to know about or maybe he does not want the woman to know he has a partner/wife for some reason

Does his work colleagues even know about you? Do they all think he's single?

When you go out together, does he ever behave as if he doesn't want to be seen with you? Does he avoid going out at all?

I would do the run and hide thing but not the exploding thing. You are right OP, it is weirdly OTT for there to be absolutely zero to it.

Look for a second phone in his car or bag. He might keep it at work of course.

Well you didn’t work where I worked so…

I think your overthinking this. I hate bumping in to people from work in these scenarios and would totally hide in the aisle to avoid. He probably just has a lot on his mind or felt stressed that day. It will pass and i’d just move on

No, you are not the only one. My father was a quiet, modest, very loyal and caring father and husband but women were attracted to him (when he used to pick me up from schoolfriends' birthday parties, their mothers used to quizz me as to whether he was the one picking me up and would always make sure they were there to answer the door and to see me off). This never happened if it was my mum picking me up and at that time I found their change from friend's sensible mum to weird lady with crush rather disconcerting. He found this quite embarrassing and if he had spotted someone from work like this such as happened to OP's husband, he would have had a similar reaction. We did sometimes tease him about the flirty mums and he would squirm with embarrassment and change the subject. At that stage in my life, he worked from home and only went to his workplace one half day a week, so spent all the rest of his time at home (he worked in our living room with whoever was home around him). My instant thought in OP's scenario was that lady at other checkout fancies him and he realises this but is not interested and wishes she didn't.

I’m on the fence here because I’m the first to say trust your instincts but at the same time I think I would have acted like your DH.

Sometimes I am not in the headspace to talk to work colleagues out of work and I would of 100% avoided them at all costs.

I would also have gone mad if my DH had accused me of doing something I hadn’t done.
You may not have said the words but you were thinking it and so your tone would have come across as accusatory.

I don’t believe in checking partners messages etc and apart from this one incident you say he’s never given you a reason not to trust him and so I would try and let it go and just be aware of anything else that may not add up.

Sorry that was for @Livingthebestlife who thought she was only one who thinks he is innocent!

This is also four things on one day that many women hate.

I don't want to be mean here but if it walks like a duck...
Please trust the feeling you have. You should be able to see him running away and later say that without him exploding. It's the sign of a guilty conscience

Op has said it wasn't the woman waving that made her suspicious, but her DH's reaction to being asked about it. Completely ott to the point of ignoring her all evening.

Did he actually buy “the thing he went back for, which he needed”? Or did he come back empty-handed?

So let me get this straight. There are actually people on this post who think that it’s perfectly acceptable to blow up at your partner, fly into a sulk and skip a pre-arranged bbq purely because you met someone from work and your partner asked who it was? Really?

The only valid reason for skipping the bbq would be illness. And stress isn’t a get-out from being a twat.

If my partner behaved like that I would seriously be considering my marriage. I’m not suggesting that the OP leave, only she can make that call, but asking who someone is and why you avoided them is a perfectly innocent and valid question, and if a relationship was solid you would just say who they are and why. In fact in most relationships the couple would probably have already talked about the person in passing i.e. “god there’s this person at work who….”

Only someone with something to hide would behave the way he did. There is literally 0 other reason to behave like that other than that he’s a twat. Well he is anyway, and I for one wouldn’t stand for being treated like that.

At this point it wouldn’t matter whether it was an affair. The behaviour alone would be reason for me to tell him that if he ever spoke to me like that and behaved like that again I would be out.