Unreasonable response from DH

[SoppySalad]

My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good and there is no sneaky behaviour. DH is open with his phone/laptop and goes to and from work and doesn’t do a lot else.

So we were in Sainsbury’s and my husband had gone off to grab something whilst I was at the till. As he was walking back, the lady on the next till started to wave at him and I looked at her and then looked back to him and he was gone.

I carried on packing and watched as she began leaving the store, but just before leaving, she stopped and turned to look as if expecting someone to come over to her. Then she turned and left.

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

He exploded, which is very unusual for my husband. He said I was being jealous, does he have to give me her life story…he doesn’t know her, doesn’t speak to her in work and all he knows is she married to the bosses nephew. What’s he supposed to do, come and make awkward conversation with a colleague on his day off? He doesn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to be shopping.”

This response felt out of the blue and was very upsetting as I felt it was unwarranted. He proceeded to not join us for a family barbecue at my parents and ignored me all evening.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

I am beyond confused and hurt. It’s very out of character. He was under a lot of stress for context, as we also had a plumbing disaster that morning, with a big fix required. If he said he hadn’t wanted to come shopping, I’d have left him home.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

I don't know, it's a very strange reaction. I'd leave it for now. I wouldn't forget it. I'd watch, wait and see if there's anymore weird behaviour. Also, I'd be very clear that you understand that he was stressed / irritated/ frustrated but you won't tolerate being treated like that. You need to mean it because it was over the top.

Yes, I admit this is correct and it’s more or less how he has explained himself to me. He wouldn’t normally react like that, but he felt pushed to his limit for the day.

I think you have to remember that his response was unexpected for me and at the time, my questions didn’t feel excessive. In retrospect perhaps I could have waited, but at the time I didn’t feel I was being unreasonable.

Perhaps it was just bad timing and bad communication, or maybe it’s something else. I don’t really know.

@SoppySalad I understand, but frankly I think you should still apologize. Whether you consciously thought it or not, what you did in that moment was decide that he didn't get a say in whether he discussed something in his life in that place and moment because what you wanted was more important. It wasn't at all about his feelings, just yours. You may have done it nicely on the surface, but you essentially bullied him and he reacted defensively, then when he snapped instead of giving you what you wanted he became the one in the wrong for that.

"It was obvious you didn't want to discuss it right then and I kept pushing anyways, I'm sorry. I was surprised by your reaction to seeing her and I'd like to talk about it and understand now that we're alone and not in the middle of a stressful day."

I'm reading this and thinking, sometimes I get upset or angry when questioned about things I have made clear I don't want to talk about. Monotone answers are what I do too.

When I know I'm angry or stressed, I also stay away from everyone. I love them too much to keep getting stressed out and I need a reset away from people.

What I'm trying to say is my reaction would probably have been the same as your DH, not because I had suspicious behaviour or anything to hide, but because my loved one should be able to read cues of when not to push for an answer.

Sounds like everything just got too much on that day. We all have days like that I'm sure xx

My husband was at home or at work. I could ring or message any time.

yep. An affair.

Oh ffs.

I don't think it is odd that aren't friends in SM. If they were up to no good, of course they couldn't be. But it doesn't mean they are.

This.

Agree it sounds like blind panic.

I’m really surprised at the responses here- so many thinking there’s an innocent explanation. I really don’t think so. If it was innocent, he wouldn’t have reacted like this.

The turning it on you and causing an argument is classic deflection. He’s gone on the offensive because he’s in the wrong and knows it.

am guessing the woman isn’t having an affair with him.

could he possibly be telling people at work that you two are separated? Could he have a girlfriend at work this woman knows about? Has he been off sick and pretended that you were ill?

he didn’t want this woman to be introduced to you.

Four things that men hate? Pretty sure that household emergencies at least are hated by everyone, and the rest is context dependent.

But you are unaware that the men need lots of special attention and validation and luv because for them these things are super super intolerable and awful for them.

Don’t second guess yourself OP.

you know him better than anyone on here. If it’s out of character there’s more to this.

I’d be wary of listening to people who say they’d be the same because you ‘pushed boundaries’. I can see a certain anxious personality type thinking that, but I get the impression your DH isn’t!

what you described is a perfectly normal interaction between a married couple. I’m with you- it’s very odd behaviour.

I don’t think you’ll get any more sense out of DH, so drop it with him and pretend you’ve forgotten. But watch him like a hawk.

I’d also say that his age and the fact you’ve been together since childhood means he might be in mid life crisis territory and has been chasing a bit of excitement.
your marriage doesn’t need to be bad for him to maybe be a bit bored.

His reaction was enough for you to flag it op. Don’t over react, because despite what Mn often wants you to believe, not everyone is having an affair. That said, you’ve clocked this, in a man you, by your own admission, absolutely trust. This feels off to you. Don’t ignore that either.
Watch and see.
I was you, a few years back. I absolutely trusted him but some of his reactions were…..odd to me. I couldn’t place it, but I was uncomfortable. I totally ignored my own intuition, it actually crossed the back of my mind that he could be doing x,y,z but it was so far fetched as to be ridiculous, so I dismissed it as my own paranoia. Yeah, it really wasn’t. And honestly? I am so pissed off that I bloody KNEW but I told myself I didn’t. I didn’t look out for myself.
Something has raised a reg flag with you. Don’t assume worst case scenario but don’t ignore it either. You know him and you aren’t stupid, watch. You’ll know.

My own view on this is to park it for now. Real life has to continue. BUT I would snoop (and I did when I had worries) through bank accounts, emails, texts, apps etc. Never bothered me as it seems to bother many on here. I wanted or needed answers and I wasn't getting them through a normal rational adult conversation. I found evidence of an ongoing affair fairly quickly. Perhaps your response will be less full-on, but I would be maintaining awareness. eg Odd absences, mentionitus, a new male friend (as the phone name has been renamed). I really hope not for you.

So, we’ve had a chat. He said he wasn’t walking to the till, he was walking past the tills, headed to an aisle that sells bits for decorating (considering our morning disaster).
As he walked past, he passed me my missed item, saw his colleague and raised his hand to acknowledge her, but continued on walking.

He said she looked as awkward to see him as he was to see her, and her wave didn’t come across as anything more than that to him. He said that she might have thought he was walking around to say hello, but that he didn’t really know because he didn’t see her after that, so all he has is my word to say she looked around. He also made the point that she too could have been shopping with someone and be looking for them, who knows.

He said that the decorating stuff he wanted was too expensive, and they didn’t have what he needed, so that’s why we stopped off at the bargain shop on the way home. He popped in and bought what he wanted there cheaper - which he did do.

Anyway, back to Sainsbury’s, he returned to the till and realised I didn’t have any bags and I was packing the shopping directly into the trolley. That annoyed him. Not me, but that we’d left the bags in the car which meant more faffing around. Also that I’d said we were only getting a few bits and I’d gotten loads. Then when I mentioned his colleague he knew what I was getting at, as nicely as I was saying it. He felt accused and decided not to engage by the till. He said that I asked more and he was trying to think about what he needed to buy to fix the house issue and I was interrupting his chain of thought asking about some woman he barely knows from work, who he felt he was being accused of doing something with purely because she waved. He said he’d had a crappy morning, it was Father’s Day, he had a massive headache and explaining who someone he doesn’t really know was, wasn’t really his priority. He said check my phone, check my emails, check my car, check anything I like, there’s nothing going on and then he finished by asking me why he would look at this woman when I am “leagues ahead” and he loves me. (I’ve put that in quotations because I would not personally imply that I was better than another woman in that respect. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. This was what he said.)

He apologised for getting angry. In retrospect understood how that could make me think bad things and he wishes he’d responded differently. I just caught him at the worst time.

There’s not a lot else I can do now. Like others said, anything suspicious Im sure I’ll notice.

Thanks all for your input. I think I’m going to try and stop dwelling on this for now. It’s already ruined two days.

This!

Sounds like a reasonable explanation and glad he realised he dealt with it in the wrong way. We all have bad days.

His openness indicates he has nothing to hide and wants to move on and is willing to do what he needs to, to prove it was innocent.

Don’t let it ruin what sounds like a loving relationship. Clearly if anything suspicious happens in future be aware but it doesn’t sound like cheating.

Some people create a different persona at work from the person they are at home. It was interesting that this woman is connected to the boss. Could it be your husband behaves more seriously or ' professionally' at work, perhaps even more self- importantly. Maybe he didn't want you to see him behaving that way. And if it happened while you were out shopping, isn't it possible it might happen again. So it might be worth suggesting this to him and questioning him as to what he will do when it does happens again. Is he gonna do a runner next time too?

Nah. TBH, his follow-up response makes it feel even more off. I feel like he's made lots of excuses, blamed you ( he knew what I was getting at), and is also blowing smoke up your arse (leagues ahead). It's all very over the top. Were you implying anything or accusatory when you asked who she was? In my world, it souls have absolutely been a normal conversation. I would have said exactly the same thing and got ... oh, that's x from work. I gave her a wave, but I could be arsed to chat.

Sounds reasonable.
I would be pissed off to be the butt of such anger but if it isn't the norm I would cut him some slack, once.
Good luck.

Sounds convincing. Glad you talked.

This

This thread is full of absolutely insane people

I would keep an eye on him, OP. Something seems up with him.

I just find it odd that he jumped straight to her "accusing" him when she just probed because she picked up on a tension. Both DH and I worked in the NHS where toxic work situations are the norm and neither of us would be even thinking affair. DH might be a bit annoyed if I pushed for immediate further details, and he'd maybe explain he didn't want to go into it now, but to explode for over 24 hrs and be triggered by an "accusation"? Nah, that seems like a projection. Maybe not affair, but there's a back story and it's a secret.

@SoppySalad I'm glad you've had a chance to discuss it properly OP and feel reassured so you can put it behind you. 😊