Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

What benefits do you/he/his accountant think you could possibly be claiming that would mess up his tax?? I’ll be honest, that doesn’t make sense. I would be very surprised if you’re entitled to any benefits other than what you’re already claiming. You say you’re already claiming non-means tested ones for your DC with additional needs and CB so what else do you think you’d be entitled to? Your household has enough money coming in, your DP is just an idiot who isn’t paying his fair share.

You are being financially abused.

I think this is a LTB (or kick the B out) situation. You really would be better off without him.... In every way!

I'm confused about the benefit and tax situation. That is not how benefits work, apart from child benefit, which one parent can claim but if one earns over 60k then he will pay it back in tax. I don't think other benefits work that way.

With a household income of 70k I don't think you would be eligible for any other benefits. He should pay for his kids himself, you shouldn't be claiming benefits for them.

It’s true I get your point.

Just apply for the benefits. He doesn't own you and if he doesn't like the impact it has on his taxes he can fuck off to the far side of fuck or leave in which case you'll be significantly better off as you can apply for maintenance.

Get hold of his tax returns and copy them so you have history so you can assert fraud if his accountant helps him to hide his income if you do separate.

Why is it his choice?

claim the benefits you need to survive

This is exactly what I mean too. This guy is utter scum and should pay for his own children!! No wonder so many women are single mothers on benefits… there needs to be more penalisation to men who do not cover the costs of their own children. Literally bankrupting the country.

I'm trying to work out what additional benefits OP would be entitled to. She earns too much for Carer's Allowance, can't claim Universal Credit as partner's income would be taken into account & it's too high.

DH & me have always had our own bank accounts & a joint account for household spending. We regularly review how much we put into the joint account as it's done proportionate to our incomes. When DCs were young he had his own businesses, earned vastly more than me as I worked P/T, he would put in 80%, me 20%. Now he's retired & I still work (with better pension than his as I get an occupational pension + my earnings) it's about 60% me & 40% him.

Please boot this scummy man out and then serve him with CM

1. You’ll be better off
2. It will wipe the smug grin off his face & cost him a shed load more than he thinks he can get away with.
3. You will be happier.

I'm raging he's putting you through this and honestly wishing him a hoof in the nuts.

He does t get to make this decision. You do.

My DH is t very happy that I claim CB as he had to pay it back via tax. Tough. I claim it.

Your are letting him call the shots. Just stop! You need to tell him things are going to be from now on.

So what if his tax goes up, i's not like his wages are benefiting you or the children. Why are you helping him accumulate personal wealth to the detriment of your own finances when it's of zero benefit to you either now or in the future as you're not married?

What benefits do you think you would be entitled to? Your household income would be too high for any means tested benefits - I suspect your partner earns even more than you think and doesn't want you applying for anything that would involve him disclosing his income to you. I'd worry his secret account is him future planning a life away from your family- either way he sounds awful and I'd get rid you will be entitled to more without him there than he's probably contributing plus maintenance!

It seems to be a depressingly common trend for mothers to end up paying for all the kids' stuff in relationships. People will blame you for being with him but often by the time you have children it's been a slow boil of selfishness and breadcrumbs. Once you're in that position you either suck it up and scrimp while your partner lives like a king or beg him to chip in. These men should be ashamed that they're forcing their partners to pinch pennies and live miserably to clothe and feed their own child because of the financial imbalance that THEY have created.

I’ve Been thinking about this thread and to be honest I’m a little confused about the two of yours line of thought.
the conversation you had with him just now about the accountant is just bat shit.

why would you be entitled to any benefits when as a family you have enough income?!?

it doesn’t work that one of you claims benefits whilst the other saves all their money.

the whole thought process is batshit

i think what has probably happened op is that he has spent years as years abusing you so much that you have utterly lost sight of reason.

So you’re his live in sex worker, housekeeper and mother rolled into one?

Where’s your self respect? Is this really the life you chose for yourself?

Either get married and ensure he sets up a joint account to cover all the bills or make him leave and claim maintenance for his kids. You can’t continue to live like this indefinitely.

You are being financially abused here by this man. It’s over between you and he because of this abuse and he’s not just solely financially abusive either.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not. Make better choices with tour kids and you in mind going forward, not him. He is not the boss of you but he acts like this and your jailer. Did you see similar when you were growing up?.

The op absolutely should NOT marry this man. It is clear he is an abuser. He will hide all his money (which must be hundreds and hundreds of thousands by now), take half her house, and run off in to the sunset.

How did you slide into such an abusive financial relationship??? Your splitting of the costs of your family is really unfair and you will be screwed if he decides he's off to greener pastures.

Have a think about how you got into the mess and think through ways out.

At least you own the house. Do NOT ever give jhima piece of that!

Yes, I feel the same. Op would be entitled to extra benefits to top up her income if she lived alone, but living with her partner, the total income is too high. So, she needs to either kick him out and claim the benefits she would be entitled to, plus CMS, or he pays (and not half either, but the correct percentage of his income).

OP, you enable him to work by taking care of his children, so the money that he is earning should be household money. This is financial abuse. What are you going to do?

You’ve got a cocklodger. Get him out. You will be so much better off financially and mentally. He is abusing you. In the meantime, apply for everything you’re entitled to and if he doesn’t like it he can fuck off. I despair reading threads like this.

I totally agree.
@Littleredpanda23 OP, you write "he literally doesn't even think about the kids clothes/shoes/extras they need/etc. He's never paid for any of that their whole lives, it's always been me that's dealt with that area so it doesn't even cross his mind that they need new shoes regularly or that they need money for school activities or that they cost a fortune in food." Well, WHY have you always paid for everything for the kids? Seriously, WHY? This element of your issue with him is entirely your fault (OK, a little bit his fault for being an ignorant arsehole).
Regarding you claiming any benefits you're entitled to (in addition to CB and the Disabled Child element of UC or DLA - you don't say which benefit your child is getting), what else do you think you're entitled to? As a homeowner with a household income in the region of £62-£72k, it seems highly unlikely you'd be eligible for UC (UC claims are always joint when there's a cohabiting partner so it's household income that's considered, not just yours). Have you used a benefit calculator to check your entitlement? (EntitledTo and Turn2Us both have straightforward calculators: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=5314ddf6-35da-4cc3-8c03-4ad8bbd01df4 and https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/survey/1/9ac22072-ad51-44c2-abc2-30fb43f3667e).
You don't say how old your children are or how many hours you're working, but if your disabled child's special needs genuinely stop you working more hours or getting a second job, then you need to sit your DP down and explain to him the realities of life as a parent. And (assuming you've already checked you are eligible for other benefits) you need to TELL him you will be making a claim for them and you will let him know the outcome so his accountant can factor your increased income into his tax situation (although I'm not entirely clear how your DP's tax situation would be impacted by your income, particularly given that you're not even married so can't avail yourself of the Marriage Allowance). Your OH does NOT get to dictate to you what benefits you can claim based on his tax liability - that's financial coercion.
Regarding the split of household expenses, let's say your DP is earning £55k (you say £50-£60k) and you are earning £12k - this means he's earning 4.5 times what you are, so do you really think a 50/50 split on some of the bills is reasonable? And what are these bills exactly OP? He's living rent-free in your mortgage-free home, so I understand why he isn't paying for the house insurance (because you own the property), but why isn't he paying for food and the children's expenses?
I think you need to do some research OP and assert yourself with your DP. He may not be "spending money on himself", but he's clearly squirreling all his surplus income away in a pension pot or is saving up to buy a property of his own.

Jesus wept.

This.

I think it would make more sense to tell him you can't afford to live with him and he'll have to move out. Then you can claim UC and get out of the red and he can pay you CM.

He's taking the piss, he knows he's onto a good thing so is milking it. Tell him he needs to get his own place.

What do you actually get from this relationship? He doesn't contribute financially and he sounds like a massive prick. You'd be better off without him, even though he'd definitely try and get out of paying child support. He doesn't pay anything towards his kids now though so you wouldn't notice anything different.

OP, grow a backbone and end it with this loser.