Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

This is so sad, and really not fair. Your situation is my situation in reverse. I earn £50,000, my partner earns £18,000. We have two teenagers. Here's how we manage finances: We worked out all household bills, made a monthly budget. Let's say it's £2000, which is paid from a joint account. I put two-thirds into this every month (about £1,400. He puts in £600). Whatever we've got left we keep for ourselves. I put some money in a pension every month, plus a savings acount for the kids. Big spend items, (Eg holiday, building work on the house, etc) we split the same way. 66% for me, 33% for him. This was we contribute roughly proportionately to our income. It means we both are 'invested' in our lives. But also gives us independence. It also means that I recognise my capacity to earn more, and that my partner also contributes in other ways, eg in the past he worked part-time and did a good chunk of child care. When our kids were small I earnt a lot less, and would be overdrawn every months, because I paid for kids' shoes, activities etc. He, on the other hand always had savings. I grew increasingly resentful, until we had a 'big talk'. Drew up a budget, and came to this agreement. It works well.

Benefits have nothing to do with his tax. The only thing he’d had to pay back is child benefit.

The issue is that, while he lives with you, you won’t qualify for benefits as you have to make a joint claim.

You need to kick him out. Either he agrees to a joint account, all money goes in together and ALL household bills and expenses come out (this includes every single penny spent on the kids) then you each get a spending stipend or… you kick him out.

You really need to see what your life is through our eyes and kick him out.

I’m an accountant and whilst I’m not a tax expert I cannot see how you claiming benefits would affect his tax (other than child benefit high income charge).

UC and PIP/DLA are not taxable.

The very idea you’d split bills 50/50 with such an income disparity is mind blowing.

This man is financially abusing you.

Then use your bloody words woman and TELL HIM!

sorry, but honestly unless he is an emotionally intelligent mind reader he won’t know. I expect his dad was the same, and his dad before him.

Start keeping an account of what you spend on bills and kids and present him with a bill for half each month.

Disability benefits? One child is disabled which means OP can only work part time. DLA doesn't have an income limit, as an example. Though that may be what OP is talking about when she says child disability and if so, I'm not sure because I don't think OP would qualify for carers allowance.

You’re not unreasonable for wanting him to step-up more, but you are unreasonable for thinking he will.

Look at it this way- why would he?

He lives rent free while the state pays for his children. His free accommodation also comes with a woman who cooks his meals and does his washing.

He’s onto a really good thing and it’s costing him nothing. He’d be insane to cough up any of his money for your benefit.

Can guarantee you that he’s paying himself a token amount from his business to cover himself should you ever kick him out- the CMS he’ll have to pay on his legitimate income will be minimal.

Come on.

Of course he knows that his children don't magically get new clothes and shoes when they grow out of them. He just doesn't care that OP is paying for them.

Why don’t you just have a joint bank account and pool all your money together? This saves on the ‘he buys/I buy’ rubbish and it would be a clearer representation of your finances.

What exactly does he pay for?

You'll need to tell him that you can't support him anymore, and he will either need to make a fair contribution or move out. What an absolute cheek he has.

You aren’t married though so how could that impact on his tax?

You don’t want to hear this but he’ll never change. As far as he’s concerned he’s got it great. You’ve tolerated this situation for so long that he thinks you’ll keep tolerating it. No rent or mortgage, he doesn’t pay his share of raising his children, you raise his children and do all the housework plus he gets to keep thousands of pounds in a not so secret bank account solely in his control. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t even like you. Is this the relationship blueprint you want your children to repeat when they’re older? He. Will. Never. Change.

Men know. They’re adults and generally not completely stupid.

My DH said a few months ago that he needs to be more involved in the mental load as he can see my stressed out.

He’s just started doing stuff. No lists, no massive conversations. He’s just doing things.

This prick knows he’s using you and he’s happy about it.

You don’t pay more tax when you apply for benefits. It doesn’t work like that.

Either you as a family qualify, or you don’t.

if you separate your entitlement will change, although you won’t get the rent element, which is often the key one for many claimants.

Just apply for them. Dont ask.

FGS sit him down and talk about this. It's utterly ridiculous and you know it! You are in such a vulnerable position not being married, let alone the obvious financial abuse that's happening.

Tell him you've found a job paying more, and he has to now do half of all the school runs, school clubs, sick leave (when kids are ill), washing, cooking, cleaning etc. See how the dick likes those apples.

THE ONLY REASON HE CAN EARN £50k IS BECAUSE YOU ARE AT HOME DOING EVERYTHING ELSE. If you died tomorrow he would have to pay for a nanny, taxi, cleaner etc etc.

Please take control.

(I hope this isn't real).

So you are subsidising him, basically, by forgoing benefits and by providing him with free accommodation and childcare, so that he can boost his savings while you go into your overdraft.

The only othything I wonder is if his business is tanking and he doesn’t want the OP speaking to his accountant and finding out- or applying for benefits that are means tested and getting a wedge of money she wasn’t expecting.

What an absolute prick.

Throw him out, get him to pay maintenance for his kids. Take a tenant into your home to help with your own expenses.

Or tell him his only other option is to pay you rent and pay for everything proportional to his income.

But I think the former makes more sense as he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

Also, benefits aren’t there to compensate for tight partners who’d rather save than pay for family expenses

Thank goodness
Kick him out Op and then claim benefits you would be entitled too
Hrs financially abusing you

Watertight contraception, do not marry him

OP, is his business a limited company, are you named as a shareholder, do you complete self-assessments, and does your partner's accountant handle all of it for you? Have you ever signed any paperwork you didn't really understand relating to shares and ownership of the business?

Because one thing I'm wondering is if he's reducing his tax bill by assigning some alphabet shares and associated dividends to you as you're in a lower tax bracket than he is, which would mean on paper you earn more than you do and so wouldn't qualify for benefits like Carers Allowance, which aren't based on household income.

All of this is admittedly a long shot, but I can't think why else he wouldn't want you claiming any more benefits.

He's also financially controlling and a freeloading cunt. I am so sorry.

Charge him rent. It’s tax deductible for him. Or better yet get rid of this selfish horrible man. You literally be better off.

So he has no rent/mortgage to pay?
Then he should definitely contribute more.
Have you protected the house so he has no claim to it?
He sounds very selfish and not just with money

Nah. Unless he's a morally bankrupt cocklodger, he knows his family cannot libe on air.
Even if he thought the OP is rolling in it, as a self-respecting individual, he wouldn't just make himself comfortable, contributing nothing to the family.

He knows he needs to do better, but will ride the gravy train as long as he can - shameless twat.