To wonder if quality home cooking for friends is a lost art?

[Jumpupjumphigh]

There have been a couple of threads recently about the decline in quality:price ratio when eating out in the UK. To which all I can say is: I thoroughly agree! For some time now I've largely given up on going to restaurants. The mid-priced ones are more and more tending towards microwaved crap that is far below what I can cook at home for a fraction of the price, and I can't afford the posh ones.

But here's the thing: When I first progressed from studenthood to "proper" adulthood, myself and my friends had proper jobs etc, it was common for people to invite each other for dinner parties in their houses, make an effort and cook proper quality food. I still do that. I'm certainly no famous chef, but I research and practise styles of cookery that interest me and people are impressed when I cook for them. It costs some effort and money but it always makes the starting point for a great evening.

But although I have friends that like to meet up for other things, and do invite me to their houses, they almost never host dinner parties. Maybe an informal lunch where everybody brings something "pot luck" style at best. Is this because the art of proper cooking outside of a business relationship has largely died? Or is it just that particular kind of social event that is seen as old fashioned now? Or do I just not have the right friends?

Do other people still get invited to dinner parties?

But surely it is still friendly and polite to offer some explanation to a friend as to why you don’t reciprocate?

I guess I just don't see friendship in that way. Like @CarpetKnees says - it's not transactional. Sometimes they'll do more, sometimes I will. It all evens out in the end - and if it doesn't, well, it's not a decent friendship to begin with.

Never been to a dinner party or held one.

It tends to be catered/pre-prepared bought food - maybe odd home cooked peice but cold buffet style or take-outs or BBQ or cafe/restaurant. We've done roasts for family as well.

Even pre-covid we were finding people flacky - and had BBQ where everyone said they'd come and no-one turned up on day.

I'm more a baker than cook and when when kids were young I used to bake fancy child centric birthday cakes only for DGP to being shop bought ones - we used to end up with three cakes. In end just bought them from supermarkets and then occaionally did one as activity with the kids.

Baking brithday cakes just started to feel like an expensive stressful excerise and no longer fun with everyone acting like home made is inferior. It kind of feels like that with all hosting cooking now - for amount of time and money and lack of appreciation may as well go out to a restaurant and avoid extra costs and stress.

we would invite friends over and cook for them more often but finding a time that works for everyone is tricky. The other issue is that I seem to have a bunch of friends who are fussy eaters. I’m not talking allergies here just generally hard to find things that everyone will like, it’s hard enough choosing a restaurant to go to with them let alone choosing one dish everyone will eat. So less formal meals generally work better for us, grazing style with something for everyone, or a roast dinner. I like doing bbqs too and make salads and side dishes to go with them, but they never get eaten, so now just stick to the basics. Although the prepping and cooking can be quite stressful it’s then really nice when it’s returned and someone else does the work, but that only works out if everyone in the group takes a turn!

From time to time we are invited to posh dinner parties and now, alas, I can no longer put off making return invitations. Soon we will entertain 6 guests for dinner, making a table of 8 to include ourselves. I am somewhat out of practice at this, so I have been sorting out in advance the crockery, cutlery etc I will need for the event. It is a staggering amount! Here's my list:
8 x champagne flutes
8 x water glasses
8 x wine glasses
8 x liqueur/port glasses
8 x side knives
8 x dinner knives
4 x cheese knives
8 x dinner forks
8 x pudding forks
8 x pudding spoons
8 x soup spoons
8 x coffee/tea spoons
5 x serving spoons
8 x individual table mats
4 x large table mats
16 x coasters
1 x tablecloth
8 x cloth napkins
8 x paper serviettes
8 x side plates
8 x pudding plates
8 x soup plates
8 x dinner plates
4 x large serving bowls
2 x large serving plates
3 x plates for canapes
8 x cups and saucers
1 x chutney bowl
1 x grape plate
2 x cheese boards
cruet set
In addition to all of this, I need the food! I have to make the canapes, the soup for the starter, the main course with its accompanying dishes, the pudding, put out the cheeses and chutney, then serve up liqueurs and mints with tea/coffee at the end. I am exhausted just thinking about it! The house will need to be cleaned and tidied, too.
We were invited to a dinner party like this the other night (fortunately the host already owes us hospitality, so no need for a return invitation in the near future) and when I helped to clear the dishes from the table I marvelled at the amount of dirty pots and dishes stacked in the kitchen. This will be me soon, I thought. Pre-Covid, these dinners were frequent and I used to have to rustle up return matches quite often. Now, I don't quite know how I will summon up the energy. I'm off shopping tomorrow with a list as long as my arm and will have to pay a small fortune for the food and ingredients we need. However, having said all of that, a part of me enjoys the performative aspect of cooking and entertaining and making sure our guests have good food and good company. I just don't want to do it too often!

God I used to love hosting. Remember one time I was trying to steam the rice rather than just boil it. I drank so much wine I was completely sozzled and forgot I was meant to be cooking! I don’t think we ate until about 10. We were all 20’s and childfree and the conversation was just the best bit - I don’t think people talk in the same way any more.

This is the kind of thing that’s really gone out of fashion. Nigella was a godsend with her How to Eat book - really the bible of modern middle class entertaining. It’s all about the casual kitchen supper with dessert being nothing more than a tub of ice cream put on the table just as it comes.

Your friends are failures, as are the PPs above who think you have to have pudding forks to host a dinner party

seriously, dinner parties are easy. You cook food you like and that your friends like. You eat it together and have a good time. End of.

This really isn’t necessary, though, unless you particularly get your kicks from coasters, multiple forks, and liqueur glasses. I’d call that ‘elaborate’, rather than posh. The most UC types I know feed everyone shepherd’s pie.

I would not be doing this regardless - it’s too showy, it’s too try hard - I’d be embarrassed if I went to someone’s house and they went to this extent - it’s just too much,

I’d love to be in a circle which has dinner parties, I love cooking for a big crowd (as does DH). We used to do it a bit in our 20s. But then we and friends all had kids and babysitters have always seemed to be a problem? My kids have always detested having babysitters and when we ever did have one (very rarely) we have just gone out for a meal together to catch up on life. We’re now getting into a new phase of life where we can leave kids home alone in the evening, and we are moving to a bigger house with a decent sized dining room, so maybe dinner parties are in our future again - but I feel like we’ve all got out of the habit of it now!

our friends from our 20s are all scattered now anyway as people have gradually moved out of town etc. We tend to socialise by all spending the weekend at each other’s houses, or renting a big holiday cottage, but it’s definitely not dinner party vibes. And my local friends and I tend to go to the pub rather than to each other’s small London terraces.

i always remember my grandparents (who lived in the country) having a huge drinks cabinet full of random liqueurs. They said (and this was 15 years ago or so) that people used to drink them at dinner parties, but drink driving laws had killed that all off. That might have something to do with it in the countryside - hard to get a taxi from one house in the middle of nowhere to another.

just some random thoughts!

I think it is because I want to spend time with friends not spend the evening in the kitchen.

I must admit this is more my approach. When I said "dinner party" I certainly didn't mean all this attachment to posh fancy minutiae of presentation.

I have a lot of plates and bowls because I often tend to host dinners with multiple small courses, and it's easier than washing up partway through. But I'm not anal about making sure they match or having specific kinds of cutlery for every different purpose.

The important thing is the food itself. That's where I put my effort.

I love seeing people but having people over to dinner in groups is very rare. Not enough childcare, living space or disposable income and close friendships are very scattered not local any more.

In my defence, my crockery and cutlery doesn't all match, not at all. But if you serve up 4 courses with drinks before and after the meal, you need all that I've listed, unless you grab some crockery and cutlery halfway through and wash it up quickly! (OK, maybe not the pudding forks, I might do without those). The bread plates for the soup double up for the cheese course, as do the side knives. I must admit a great big shepherd's pie to share has its attractions, and I might do that for a few friends, but this is me returning 4 course formal hospitality and I know what's expected of me!! (Twenty years ago, in these parts, it was expected that a choice of both main course and show-off puddings was offered to guests at such events, so I count myself lucky!) Sorry to those of you who seem offended by it. 😋

We used to give and attend lots of big dinner parties. Numbers would go as high as 12 on occasion. That was both in London and ( from 2000 onwards in Kent ). It was fun if hard work mixing people who didn’t know each other necessarily and adding in single friends that you throught might suit each other!. It died a death in Covid and in due course was replaced by smaller suppers with 4 or 6. The OPs thought occurred to me a few months ago and I realised I’d missed it. I’ve done two big ‘lottery’ dinner parties for 12 since then mixing up people who didnt all know it. We all had good times. Everyone said they enjoyed the evening and echoed the OPs thought . I’m 65.

Well, be the one to break the cycle? You don’t have to offer an elaborately-served four courses purely because the people you’re inviting previously invited you to an elaborately-served four courses because you’d invited them etc etc back to the dawn of time. Unless you actually enjoy it, obviously, but you do say you’re exhausted at the thought of it all. If you don’t, there are all kinds of obvious ways to simplify — just have salted almonds or something instead of canapés, don’t serve the kind of main course that needs accompanying dishes etc.

We've got friends coming for Sunday lunch tomorrow, it's still common in our circle, but I guess it depends if you have space

Wow, I would love to eat at yours! This sounds incredible, what a lovely effort for your lucky friends. I hope you all enjoy it 😊

Never been to one and never heard of people going to them apart from on tv