What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

This is a battle not worth having. Why on earth does she need to eat it tomorrow? If there would be leftovers keep it in fridge or freezer for another time. Make one meal and if she doesn't want to eat it let her sort something out for herself. Don't engage in a pointless argument. Only thing would be if you have any reason to suspect some kind of eating disorder.

You're only human, you have every right to be upset about how she's behaved previous to the food issue and you can't always help having an emotional reaction to it. You're not a robot. Have a good night's sleep and start afresh tomorrow morning.

Honestly fret not - as you said she won't starve - she's just being an annoying teenaged girl and gets stroppy/sulky at the drop of a hat. Leave her be and carry on, on the bright side at least you know where she is (sulking/complaining to her mates about how awful you are) in her room.

Counselling is probably overkill, unless she has other issues you haven't told us about.

Does she complain that she finds you controlling?

If your daughter feels like you're always watching and judging her, she's going to be hypersensitive and lash out as a result. Try giving her more space, and more responsibility over her own life. If you find her horrible attitude lifts a bit when you do this, she was probably feeling smothered.

earlier in the week it was because Id put her shoes away. Also about some clothes that she'd put in her wash basket but hadnt told me she wanted them washed for something

These are probably also to do with lack of autonomy and lack of emotionally mature communication. You need to talk yo her. Talk like she's someone you like, rather than a child who must bend to your will.

She won't have been paissed off because you put her shoes away. She was pissed off because she couldn't find her shoes. Then she was pissed off because she was expecting her washing to be done and it wasn't.

Teach her responsibility
Allow her autonomy
Speak to her with emotional maturity

Honestly, she sounds ungrateful. You have bent over backwards for her up until now. I would remain calm. When she's in a better mood one day, rhen perhaps mention how much you loath cooking and all the housework and how it impacts you. No accusations etc overwise she'll just become defensive. Just tell her how all these jobs impact you so that she starts to see you as a human with feelings and not some sort of Mum slave. If she's rude, just calmly say that you would like to be spoken to respectfully in a nice tone. Ask her to seek her own solutions to her issues. Stop trying to come up with solutions for her. Also, don't forget to praise her if she has been helpful or nice to you or explain how that made you happy etc. I think that it's all too easy to forget to praise or compliment teenagers on their good behaviour.

As I have already said. We spend a lot of time 1:1 doing things. Plus she has a hobby that I take a lot of interest in solely because of her, I go to events with her etc. I make a point every day of being enthusiastic when I see her and sitting with her to ask about her day. Sometimes I get things back. Often its grunts and glares.

She will not talk to me or her dad. As I have said we asked her to go to counselling but she wouldnt even try. She openly tells us that doesn't tell us stuff. When shes calm she says its because shes private.amd doesnt like talking about herself. When she is upset / angry its because she cant wait until she moves out and then it wont matter.

I meant agree the whole week on a Sunday, away from an actual meal time, and she's allowed to veto certain meals if she'd like, and you just don't cook as much on those days.

Like, tomorrow we're having spaghetti, everyone already knows this. One child hates spaghetti - not a problem, he'll make himself beans on toast. All agreed in advance

No food wasted, no hangry arguments as the food is being prepared/served, no power battle.

We try to meal plan a few days in advance.

Bless you, OP, for reading all the threads and acknowledging the good stuff on here. I particularly liked -

Would you ever go to her, tell her you love her, tell her you would love to take her out to do her favourite activity - just two of you. And you take her to do this, just the two of you. And you ask her 'hows things for you? I want to know you're ok. Tell me what is going on?'.

If your DD is 15 she's just coming out of GSCE's, I think, and there's what, 5 weeks left of her school year. Teen girl hormones. As others have said, there's more than likely a control thing going on, and she's going to push boundaries because that's what people do when there's lots of changes going on.

You are the person that loves her beyond anyone else in the World; is she seeing this?

(Also, stir fry's are really quick and easy for a 15 year old to do).

Is she allowed to opt out of family meals and cook for herself instead?

My teens love the air fryer. Out of freezer, into air fryer, wait 15 mins, eat.

Sounds like a typical teenager to me.
I would carry on making your standard meals, same for everybody, you ignore her snipes. Just say, “Sorry to hear that” or “fine”.
(Dont stock up with crisps, biscuits & stodge. she’ll then eat if she’s hungry.)

Stop biting back.
Laundry not done, “oh dear.”
Shoes put away. “Yep”.

Drop the rope. I used to find that simply walking away was hugely surprising to my dc.
This included getting up from the table & finishing in the kitchen..

She is getting too much attention. Cook what you are cooking. Serve a portion for everyone, she either eats it or not. If she chooses not that’s absolutely fine no drama, but - there is nothing else. Put all this food argy bargy back on her, don’t make it your war zone. She either eats or not - her decision, but there isn’t alternative food until the next meal. You will find she won’t starve, but she will in time hopefully see the benefits in co-operating.

This is typical for a teenager. Don't take the grunts and glares personally. You show her affection, let her know you're always here to listen, and then you step back and let her come to you. It's tough, but it's part of them growing older. You can't "be there" in the same way you were when they were little, and they feel smothered if you try. You have to renegotiate the relationship with the adult you're trying to help her become.

The thing is she's in the inbetween age: old enough to not be disciplined like a child but too young to handle her emotions. Have you told her it upsets you when she complains about food; that it's hurtful as you're trying to do your best for the whole family. Ask her if she's upset about something at school as she seems unhappy. Explain that you can't afford to waste food so although she can sometimes eat toast she would have to eat the prepared food at some point.

I think the emphasis changes from: this is how it is to more of a negotiation/discussion.

Actually, you've already answered that. The answer is no, she isn't allowed.

Consider what happens as she gets older? What about when she's 18 or 19, say she works in the evening. Is she allowed to cook for herself then? She might be able to get an evening job at 16 after her GCSEs, can she sort out her own meals then? Or are you just expecting her to move out?

You have to start accommodating her as a young person, growing into a young adult.

I think I'd have just told her what is was in the first place and when the moaning started calmly point out, I'd asked her, she didn't choose anything, so it was this or make toast. If she stormed off I'd have left it there. I honestly think with these sort of situations your aim needs to be avoiding escalation, because once you start a chain of act/react you'll have to keep upping the ante to gain the upper hand, and you risk ending up being overly draconian, as you have tonight. Then you either have to stand by your word (which you're already doubting the wisdom of) or back down leaving her thinking you don't mean what you say. My best advice when battle is looming is to avoid, ignore or say as little as you can.

Sounds like typical raging teenage hormones.

I know it’s easier said than done, but best to model reasonable behaviour.

She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Agree, not the most helpful comment. But we’re not all perfect all the time. And teenagers would try the patience of a saint! Would have, of course, been better to answer her question in good faith and tell her what you were making, maybe with a hug. Rather than think the worst of her and assume (and worse still tell her you’ve assumed) how she’ll react.

If she moans about what it is, then say: ‘That’s what I’ve made tonight, I’m afraid’. If she says she doesn’t want it, then leave her to it.

At a calmer, happier time, ask her what sort of meals she prefers and try to both compromise: you occasionally make things she prefers if she makes it with you.

Only other thing is try to retain your sense of humour. Not obvs laugh at her, but to yourself, and maybe your DH in private, about her teenage behaviour.

Plus deep yoga breathing 🙂

I get this nearly every day off my 13yo boy, drives me up the wall because I scratch cook every dinner and its ready for hom coming home from school. Now when he says hes not hungry I plate it up and stick it in the micro then tell him if you can't eat your dinner then you won't be hungry for snacks. I think its a hormone thing

Too much over-thinking going on on this thread. Can all of us here attest to not driving our DPs a little bit insane? I think not. We can not tease every bit of info from our youngsters nor think we are their best friends nor the first port of call for all their angst.

The best we can do is to provide a safe home for them, where they know they will always be fed and kept clean and warm. If you want to think the worst, then be happy they come home and act out their angst there.

You asked how you could have stopped the food incident.
You could have told her what you were making when she asked. If she reacted negatively, you could have calmly told her she didn't have to have any but asked her to sit with you at the table (with whatever she did choose to have)

This was really a non issue, though I understand that to you it is a continuation of an issue. It needn't be. Just don't engage. Make food you know she'd normally eat and leave it with her as to whether she'll have any. She'll have noone to argue with and will get sick of getting her own.

You need to rethink your strategies when dealing with her. The less engagement the better if this is how she reacts. She wants to argue so you need to not. And definitely not defensively. If you put her shoes away and she complained, I'd have said something calmly like "Oh, I moved them out of the way so they're just inside your room" or whatever and that's it. I'm not arguing over it.

Think about how you communicate. Whether she draws you in. Think of ways to simply answer her/ explain why you did something and invite her to discuss it if she wants to when you are both calm .

I don't think you did or said anything wrong - including she can have it defeated tomorrow.

Its because parents let their kids get away itg lots that we have so many unruly teenagers and young people. She's in your home and she's turning everything into a battle. Let her know your standing your ground. If she does t like it - tough! She can starve (which I'm sure she won't).

But op please tell your husband that he needs to step up otherwise he can cook for everyone and you refuse.

I know people complain about being quick to suggest neuro divergence but as a late diagnosed autistic, is it possible she could be autistic? Not enough to say for sure from what you've posted but a few things you've said jump out at me:

• special interest - she has a hobby and it's the only way she communicates/talks to you if it's talking about it even when you aren't interested.
• not able to read social cues that you aren't interested in her hobby (tho in fairness that could be just good parenting on your part that you aren't showing disinterest)
• issues with managing expectations/controlling emotions when things don't go as expected
• potential arfid (food issues)

Boys and girls display symptoms very differently although on the same diagnosis path. I'd encourage you to research how autism presents in teenage girls, even if just to rule it out. ❤️❤️

Years ago, my MiL had a serious operation on her brain. We were warned that she would become very difficult, argumentative and sometimes childlike (hopefully temporarily) as she recovered. We were also told that we should not pander to her, but rather treat her like a child. It was a very difficult time. She moved in with me and my husband once she came out of hospital. This would only be until she was well again.
My FiL had always been under her thumb. Whatever she wanted, she got. He expected me to treat her the same, so when she turned her nose up at her dinner (I had cooked her favourite meal), he was upset and wanted me to cook something else. No chance! I calmly removed her untouched plate, which she had pushed away, ‘I can’t eat that!’ and sat down again to finish my meal. My husband (her son) wisely left it up to me. FiL was fit to burst but didn’t comment. The rest of us were enjoying the meal, when MiL said, ‘I think I might manage to eat something’. I got up, retrieved her meal and put it in front of her, then carried on with my conversation. She didn’t try that again!
She made a full recovery and lived to the age of 98!

Ooh I can feel your frustration OP! I also wouldn't want to just serve up and have the food refused because as you say, if you're just throwing good food away for a piece of toast, it's not ok.
I very much get that this is across the board behaviour. My 16 year old DD is really pushing the boundaries with me this week!

Can I ask - I get the feeling she is your eldest? Is that correct?