What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

You cant really.

Its going to happen anyway.

The changes happening in her brain are similar to the changes that happen to a toddler and the tantrums happen for the same reason. I have survived 5 teens so far and currently going through it with the youngest.

I find ignoring it and carrying on with what I had planned was the only way to deal with it. Oh and headphones!

It's obvious you are refusing to take on board the idea this problem is about far more than food. There are so many posters saying this so why are you afraid of addressing it.

I think you made the meal in to a hostile encounter right at the start when she quite reasonably asked you what it was and you replied ‘it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you don't like it anyway". I wouldn’t want to sit and eat with someone that threw that my way. Don’t fan the flames, better to deflect and cheerfully refuse the engage in any attempts to get you to argue.

Well said, best to pick your battles for really important stuff. I would have just let her know what other food is in the kitchen if she wants to make something. Obviously no waste as it could be reheated the next day.

My exH used to get into the most awful battles with DS2 over meals as he was growing up when he stayed there. It went on for years and on occasions DS2 walked out and came back to my house. The exH used to phone me up screaming at me when it happened trying to get me to sort it out.

But as far as I was concerned there was nothing to sort out as we didn't have the same problems. It was something about their relationship.

Do you not listen to your daughter, like you're not listening here?

Im not willing to throw good food away so she can have a slice of toast.

You're not throwing anything away if you talk to her. Before you start cooking you say "today's dinner is xx, do you want some?". No drama.

Sounds like you don't like her. It's important to have a bond with your child.

The vast majority if teens do not say they want to leave home.

Thank you all for your comments about food but I think Ive not made my question clear.

The food was just one example. Earlier in the week it was about washing and then about moving some shoes, then I looked at her funny. Basically, Im asking how can I better de-escalate her. Its like living with a time bomb at the moment. When I wake up I never know which version of her Ill get today.

We suggested counselling and she flat out refused. We cant drag her there if she doesnt want to go.

No, I’m saying if she refuses food when you’ve cooked it, you say, no worries, make yourself something later. Then she cooks beans on toast or something simple and cleans up after herself after. Easy. You won’t be in the kitchen at the same time.

after a few times of not having to fight a battle with you, she’ll realise it’s probably easier and tastier to have the shepherds pie.

but stop battling it

I’m lost on this. I always discuss with my teens what’s going to be for dinner. Friday we had a chippy tea, Saturday picky bits, Sunday is always a roast. You need to communicate better, she’s not psychic. My dds helped with the roast today, peeling and chopping veg. Why is this beyond your dd? We sit and chat and talk rubbish when doing this. Tonight we could hear a cultural event going on that was local and the music travelled and we jigged and chopped/peeled veg.

I was very similar to your daughter at 15 by the sounds of it. My mum couldn’t even look at me without me exploding and looking back I have no idea why I was like it. Hormones I guess? I was awful

Yes, you have NEGATIVE expectations, which is gonna make her act out obviously. You were incredibly childish to say this, almost like you were spoiling for a fight.

Do you have other children?
Sounds like she needs attentiin and is using one of the few things she can control to get it.
It could easily spiral into ED.

Maybe next time shift focus from food to:
Ok, you can have something else. But first please let me know what is going on and why we do not get along like we used to. Ask why 5 times,teenagers often do need that kind of investigation bcs they are just learning to process adult emotions and world.

Imo she is screaming for help.

I used to be a secondary school teacher and I found that with the grumpiest teens, if I went into interactions with a positive mindset expecting them to be delightful — and treating them like I was delighted to see them and interact with them — they rose up to meet that.

if you’re being resentful about behaviour earlier in the week, being grumpy and passive aggressive etc you’ll never get the best out of anyone, including teens

If she isn't willing to eat with you, she can cook after you're done in the kitchen. Why are you waiting around for her?

Surely you cooking first eliminates all of this stress.

Do you think you could change?

Or is in on her to change?

OP, most of us are telling you something else is going on for her.

Would you ever go to her, tell her you love her, tell her you would love to take her out to do her favourite activity - just two of you. And you take her to do this, just the two of you. And you ask her 'hows things for you? I want to know you're ok. Tell me what is going on?'.

Can you do this? I know it's hard if there are ongoing challenges in the dynamic and you don't t always have warm feelings. This will answer your questions tho OP.

Can you hear what we are all advising you here?

Sounds like she's trying to assert control over her choices, is she being allowed to do that? If she isn't maybe that's why she's kicking off about things. Teens tend to pull away from their parents at this age to establish their own identity and independence, it's normal development.

My 15 year old decides if she wants to eat and when, if she doesn't want what we have shel just make herself something else and il just save what was leftover and someone will eat it the next day. She didn't want curry tonight we were having so made herself an omelette.

In this situation I'd have just told her what I was making and said do you fancy that? If she didn't I'd say, okay that's alright. You can make whatever you fancy then when I'm finished cooking this. If she started moaning I'd have said you have two options, eat what I've made or make yourself something else, I can give you some ideas if it would help. If she still continued to whinge I'd say you've been given two options, I suggest you go away and have a think about what you prefer as I'm not listening to you whinging when you have choices.

You’re going to have a really fun time for the next three years if you carry on like this. She’s a mess of seething hormones she doesn’t know how to handle and she’s going to be a nightmare. You can either turn everything into a battle or go with the flow. She doesn’t want dinner? That’s fine, she’ll eat when she’s hungry. There’s no need to reserve yesterday’s dinner. All that does is make it into a battle of wills - and trust me, she’ll win.

This is exceptionally cruel, especially the 'let her starve' comment....would like to see your response if someone treated you the way you want OP to treat her daughter.

Good suggestion

Don't engage with it. Ignore and don't take it personally. Give back some autonomy - like the whole thing of her being expected to eat with you.

Notice the urge to try and wrest control back, then avoid doing that. (It's usually easier to notice first and when you get used to noticing, then you can avoid it). Think about how you can hand responsibility to her rather than try to prove something.

So with the example in the OP - she wanted to know what was for dinner, you dread the response so you refuse to tell her. That's you trying to gain control back. It's understandable and I get the aim but it isn't really de-escalating the situation even though you're trying to circumvent an argument.

Then she said she didn't want to eat - you could have said "OK love" but instead you got frustrated about it. Since you said the meal was something which can be reheated as leftovers, it doesn't matter if she eats it tonight or not, so it's not something you need to have control over (unlike e.g. if she wanted to go out clubbing at midnight).

It honestly is that - teen moaning and griping is about autonomy. So give it to them, they have to learn to manage their own things anyway since they are almost adults. It's not about just letting them do whatever they want but it's a shift rather than you making all the decisions and telling them what you have decided, you can let them make decisions themselves and shift to communicating about what's important to you. So with the dinner example, you can say something like "I'm making shepherd's pie tonight, do you want to eat with us?" or even "I'm making shepherd's pie tonight but I want some for my lunch tomorrow, so if you have some later make sure you leave two portions please." (Or just portion out the leftovers as you dish up and put them aside so it's clear how much is available).

I can see that. As I said at the beginnibg, it wasnt the most helpful but she has been awful to me all weekend. Really awful and Im tired and upset and angry and feeling like a failure. I jave been trying to rise above it and at that moment I cpuldnt. Yes, I know Im the grown up and shes 15. Im trying.

I know I didnt cover myself in glory.

Bullshit. She's a stroppy teen. I wouldn't make her another thing or do her washing until she showed some respect. Pussy footing about is what has got OP in this position in the first place.

I had huge issues over food with my younger daughter. She is adopted, with a lot of anxiety issues and attachment difficulties around her relationship with me, so I'm at the more complex end of things. But my advice is to prioritise your relationship and work round the food. What I did in the end was to buy various M& S ready meals she liked and leave her to choose what she wanted, while I cooked a meal for the rest of us. Her having a choice was important - she had no cause to tantrum. I would never play games of pay back etc. It's not worth it.

OP I think at 15 she should be able to have more responsibility and input over her own eating, and if you don't let her have more autonomy it could causeissues either with your relationship with her and/or her relationship with food.
I get not cooking lots of different meals, but if she doesn't like it, why not allow her to make herself an alternative snack meal? Something on toast.Surely she is capable of that sort of thing at that age.
Not allowing her any other food when she hasn't had any tea is cruel.
And her dinner (if you mean lunch) would not keep her going all afternoon, evening and night!
Please imagine how you would feel if someone tried to force you to not have anything to eat because you disliked a certain meal.
Respect works both ways and whilst I'm not denying her attitude probably isn't great, it sounds like you're battling her too much.

The more awful she is to you the more loving you should be to her. She is screaming for understanding & communication to try & get to the route of what's troubling her. She may not even know herself.