AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

Just another AIBU thread where the OP does actually want to know if she is being unreasonable 😂😂😂

Oh the shock and the horror when the majority don’t agree with your batshiterry.

Oh dear. This is going to be another one of those AIBU where the OP just wants everybody to agree.
She’s not your mother.
She was spending time with her daughters who happen to have children.
She probably doesn’t consider you in the same way that she thinks of her daughters.
Sorry if that’s not how you want it but ultimately her day was about her. It was her Mother’s Day.
Your Mother’s Day was about you and therefore connected to your child.
What you are expecting is that your MIL wants to have the same relationship with you as she does with her daughters. That’s very unlikely to happen.
Putting it bluntly, maybe she just wanted to spend the time with her children.

This is the way i see it: Mother's day should be about your daughter celebrating with you. And you with your mother.
Your sister in laws should celebrate with their children. And they should also celebrate with their mum too (your mil). They probably are together because there is no way of doing this without being in a group.
Your husband should celebrate his mum, but prob because it's a day about you too, it's better he spends it with you and your daughter, and possibly your mum.

This is nuts and I can’t work out if this is a genuine post or not?! So strange how your brain works OP!!! Fascinating

of course your MIL doesn’t love you as much as her own daughters. You’re not her mum and she’s not your mum so no need to spend Mother’s Day together

But if it’s up to my husband to celebrate me in Mother’s Day why doesn’t she view it as it’s her DIL’s job to celebrate her son on Father’s Day. Sounds like she thinks she should still be the main character in his life

Maybe she didn’t want to?

Sounds like you had a lovely day. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing

I have an excellent relationship with my MIL, she is fab and i love her dearly.
But I wouldn't for one second expect anything from her on mother's day or intrude on her day with her daughter, that would just be weird. It doesn't matter how well you get on with MIL the bond between a mother and a daughter is something totally different. I would have arranged a lovely day out with my own mum. Why didn't you? Maybe your mum is thinking you didn't do enough for mothers day 🤔.

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous, no wonder you weren’t invited!
She is not your mother, you are the mother of your own child and should have celebrated as such with your own mother, your daughter, and your husband.
I honestly wonder what next will someone find to moan about … then someone puts on a post like this.
Talk about making a mountain out of a (nonexistent) molehill.

Whilst I think this is the right course of action, I think it’s really odd she sent your DH a card at all. The only people sending cards on Fathers’ Day (assuming no bereavements) should be the kids - either with help from another adult or on their own - and that could be to their Dad, step dad or any other father figure they see fit.

Anyone else getting involved is pointless and likely to lead to this sort of feeling. She’s your DH’s mum as much as she is your SILs mum. So if it were me I’d have invited all of you.

I think you are right that they think of you as second class family. I can’t imagine doing this to another person no matter how they joined the family, but I try to follow an inclusive approach.

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included

You aren’t her child.

Lots of people play an active role in her grandchildren’s lives, that doesn’t mean they are her children.

You can't even get your story straight OP.

If you're coming back to the same or a similar scenario multiple times on different threads at others have suggested, I think you need to seek help beyond MN to guide you through whatever is going on and your responses to it.

Bloody hell op, give it up once and for all. Only you see this as wrong, rest of the world obviously thinks differently

sorry I meant that the majority of the day should be spent with me the mother of his child who is actively mothering. And after we treated my mom to lunch we brought over my MIL’s favorite dessert and got her a nice gift

It is also about the norms and traditions in the family. In my family it was down to the person to do the celebration for their respective mother or father and not for a widespread one for all to participate in.
Your DH can say something if he wants but also please rein in your expectations. You seem a little like you just expect stuff rather than considering the depth of the relationship which is more than stuff

Im completely baffled that you see Mother’s Day as a celebration of people who are mothers, by everyone?! Did I understand correctly that you have friends and cousins who sent you cards on Mother’s Day?
What country are you in/from where this is the norm? I would be completely weirded out to receive a Mother’s Day card from anyone other than my son.

For goodness sake OP. How did your MIL treat her SIL on Father’s Day? Were they included in a celebration with your DH? The answer to this may hold the key to whether her behavior is normal or if she just dislikes you in particular!!!!

"I think it’s a bit shitty to not even get so much as a card to recognize me as the mother who is raising her GC", So by your logic, you should have received a card from your MIL on Mother's Day? To thank you for having given her grand-kids? Not sure whereabouts you are, but traditionally on Mother's Daty, you'd get a card from your kids, not from MiL, FiL, DF, DM, SiL, BiL etc. Its a day for kids to celebrate their mums, not a day of thanks-giving for everyone in your extended family who has given birth (aka supermarkets don't sell cards saying "thanks for bringing my nephew into this world", no cards saying 'thanks for birthing my grand-child" etc.

With regard to your child being excluded from the celebration while the kids of her daughters were included: having only seen it on FB, isn't it possible that your MIL's daughters organised the get-together? After all, that's how it usually works, i.e. the kids organise something for their mother on Mother's Day, not the other way round?

Having said that, I do agree that if this was actually SILs present to MIL then why would you be invited?

Wait... are we talking about Mother's Day which was months ago? Or is it celebrated on a different day where you are OP?

If it's the one months ago, YABVU to still be giving it headspace.

Blimey people are weird on here sometimes. Would you have expected your MIL to be upset if you were spending the day with your mum? No?
Would you have been upset if DH had spent the day with his mum? Probably yes, especially if he had taken your daughter with him. So he spent time spoiling you and you’re still not happy.
I bet you are one of those childish women who throw a tantrum because no-one made a big enough fuss of your 34th birthday (which in your head is a BIG birthday).

Darn it, now I’m grumpy. Some people have real problems. This is not one. Let it go and enjoy your life.

There is only one person trying to be the main character.

You are not her daughter. You are not her son.

If you feel you need more venerating speak to your mother.

just to be clear, you expected his mother to give you a card and present? This should come from your child, via your husband. The fact your mum got your DH a fathers day card is unusual, i’ve never heard of a parent or inlaw giving a card for their child on mothers or fathers day. They’ve done nothing wrong, but you clearly don’t want to see the majority of people saying this and still think she’s wrong. So little point in posting if you’re not taking comments on board.

Doesn’t matter we are a family unit and it should be viewed that way you do for one you do for the other