AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

What did you do to celebrate your own mother? Is she nearby ? Or no longer here? Your husband shouldn’t be expecting his mother to invite you to a celebration that probably her daughters planned as a thank you to her. He planned his own celebration of you with your DD. That’s the way it should be. And then you called in to see your MIL so that her son, your DH, could celebrate with her. You and your DD are not the people to be considered at this point. It’s Mothers and their children. Not in laws or grandchildren. You just don’t seem to understand that nothing makes you an actual daughter. How would you treat a future DIL on Mother’s Day? Or a future SIL on Father’s Day?

I think you are making far too big a deal out of this.

You're going to have a tough life with a lot of conflict and upset OP if you don't stop all this.

The vast majority of posters don't agree with you and honestly what you expect isn't convention but you do not seem to take any of this on board.

If your H mentions this to his mum, or you do some kind of "my poor DD was left out" passive agressive type message you will do damage to a lot of relationships (DH and his mum, DH and his sisters, you and his mum, you and his sisters just to start with). You will cause upset to people who haven't done anything wrong and no good will come of it.

The world doesn't revolve around you and the fact you had a baby a few years ago

Oh for goodness sake.
You asked why your DH should be celebrating Mothers Day with his Mother and I replied because he’s her Son.
Then you reply with some weirdness all about you.
I would rather spend Mother's Day with my own children than my MIL and I think that the only people who should get you a card for you on Mothers Day is your children. You can’t expect a card from your MIL as she’s not your Mum. She’s not celebrating you. That’s for your kids.

Anyway - Mothers Day was back at the end of March. Over 2 months ago. Just let it go. Who cares.
Believe me - there are far worse things to be upset about.
You sound like you have a real victim mentality

Jesus Christ are all Americans this dramatic?

You being married to her son doesn’t make you her child though. Expecting a card and a gift from your MIL on Mother’s Day is objectively crazy. Like it’s so beyond what 99% of people would class as normal.

You don't make the rules for other people though.

I only expect a card from my children on Mother’s Day as I am their Motger.
I agree - to expect a card from my MIL would maker come across as a mad women.

The weird bit is your MIL lavishing attention on your DH on Father’s Day.

Your DH should have been spending Father’s Day with his father (if still around) and/or his own child, to whom he is a father. Not his mum!!

Mother’s Day - your DH should have assisted your child to make a fuss of you, and maybe seen his own mother if also possible, or sent flowers/card.

His mum does not have to include you in a celebration with her own actual daughters.

If DH visits his DM on mother's day, you and DD go with him. If he doesn't go, you don't need to either. Her children visit her & yoy visit your DM. You, DH & DD spend the majority of the day together.

That's the way I view it.

Take a step back. People generally don't behave exactly how we'd like them to, and that's just life.

in that case, I wouldn’t be too hurt. What matters is you had a good day with your child and your husband. Why would you prefer MIL company over this?

Aside from the fact that I think your MIL giving her son a Father’s Day card is unusual and not what Father’s Day is about, I also don’t think this is true. My PIL buy my husband a birthday present for example, because he’s their son. They don’t buy me one, they prob send me a message or pass on greetings on the phone to my husband. I’m not even sure they know exactly what date it is. This seems normal to me, I’m an adult not a child who needs presents and a cake!

I just read you took your DM out for lunch. As it should be. So if you’d been invited to to MIL would you have not taken your DM out? Surely that’s more important?

In another version of the story, they took her own mother out, so it's not clear what really happened.

I wonder why they didn't invite her MIL when they took her mother out. She must have felt terribly left out, unloved and unappreciated as the person who birthed her DH.

Your MIL celebrating Father’s Day with your DH yesterday is weird. What did they do?

Tbh op it seems like your just going to argue your viewpoint no matter what people say.

I read the title and first post and agreed with you but thought that your mil had invited her daughters and grandchildren (including your dc) but not you. But she didn't invite your child. You spent the day with your child and husband - so I don't get the issue.

And yes if her daughters and son were there and not you I still wouldn't see an issue as they're her children celebrating her and she's their mum. I think your making a big issue out of nothing

I guess I’m under the assumption that when you marry and make vows to somebody they become their own family so why is MIL not viewing it through the lends of her son being part of his own family unit with his wife and still separating him out from his wife . It’s weird and a sign she still views him as a little boy rather than a unit with his wife and child and a grown man

But it's Mother's Day. When children celebrate their mothers.

When children are young, dad will often organise something on the child's behalf. You are reasonable to feel sad if your husband didn't do that for you, but it's no one else's job.

It's not up to the mother to arrange for their children to celebrate mum. And certainly not up to a mother to arrange for someone who isn't her child to be celebrated.

It's not grandmothers' day, but grandchildren often get involved if their parents are doing something for their own mother(s).

Your job is to arrange something nice for your mother to show your appreciation. If that clashes with what your husband has organised with his mother negotiation is needed, but it doesn't sound as if it did on this occasion, so your only consideration should be your own mother.

An exception to the above is that for UK Mothering Sunday, churches usually celebrate all mothers and mother figures.

I really think you are reading far too much into this.
She’s not your mum - I’ve never done anything with my mother in law for Mother’s Day, just my own mum.
In fact if anyone should’ve been invited it should be your husband- was he upset that his siblings were invited and not him?!
I think perhaps you were thinking of this as an event that anyone who is a mother should’ve been invited to, whereas here in the UK certainly I think it’s seen more as a day you visit / speak to your own mum.

It’s even weirder that you think her daughter needed to include you in the plans to spend time with her own mother on Mother’s Day!
Your DH took you and your child out to lunch and you’re moaning that your DH’s sisters planned a nice time out for her mother?

Yes, all of this

I was just thinking that!

She's his son and always will be. She obviously doesn't see him as part of a 'unit'.

There could be a reason for that

Your husband wasn’t even invited! You weren’t “othered”. You weren’t part of the plans because you aren’t her daughter, you have your own mother.
Giving her son a card on Father’s Day hardly constitutes treating him like a little boy.