AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

Not for an hour or two it wouldn't. He didn't stop having his own mum when you gave birth to a child.

But then why not for her DIL the mother of her GC? If it’s a token gift how hard is it to take the two seconds to get a card for her DIL

Because it's Mother's Day, not Grandmother's/ Grandchildren's Day.. And your MIL isn't your mother. That doesn't mean you don't count,

Would you expect your daughter to get the same presents as her cousins on their birthdays, or vice versa?

If your MIL consistently ignores you and/or your daughter, that is a serious problem, but wouldn't be remedied by an invitation on this one day. If you have a good relationship with her in general, then this one day isn't worth bothering about, and making a fuss could make you look pettily jealous.

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day.

This is mad. You didn't do any of that for your MIL nor for the glory nor for a freaking card.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

the pair of you are cracked.

SHE is HIS mother, not yours.

@AlertHazelExpert So do you want this to be an every year thing if they go out and celebrate Mother’d Day or just next year?

I have asked a couple of times but what is your relationship like with MIL and with your SIL’s? Are you all very close and friendly?

We stopped over to my MIL’s with her favorite dessert and a nice gift so she was celebrated.

Answer my question OP

She’s not answering certain questions it seems.

Just think OP, along with your other posts, this may just be the one (complete total non issue) that finally means you can drive that wedge between your (poor) DH and his (totally innocent) mother!!

This thread is really reminding me of one a while back where the OP was upset because her fiancés mother had invited all her children for a special mother-kids get together and OP wasn’t invited. Pages and pages of her complaining about being “left at home”, obsessing over the fact that her fiancés “family unit” was now he and her and shouldn’t be he and his parents and siblings… . Wouldn’t listen to anything anyone said, eventually created sock puppets to agree with her and the thread got deleted.

There are a lot of the same phrases being used here, and the same concerns being raised. I wonder if it’s the same poster now married with child?

So you think he shouldn’t side with his own wife

Gently, OP, I think you’re overthinking this. I know you can’t help how you feel but it sounds to me as though she wanted to mark the occasion with her daughters, and they presumably wanted to mark it with THEIR DC, so their DC came too. I thiink it’s odder, TBH, that she excluded her son — your DH — but she’s not your DM and it wasn’t Grandmother’s Day, so no need for your DC to be there… Yes, it might have been nice if she’d thought to include you, but I think it’s okay, personally for a MIL/DIL relationship to be different from a DM/DD relationship.

What wedge?You think my husband shouldn’t be in a united front with his wife

Assuming you're not being deliberately obtuse so let's try and spell it out really clearly for you:
Mother's day is for people to celebrate their mothers. Not their grandmothers, not their grandchildren and NOT their DIL.
HTH.

OP does your MiL treat her SIL (ie her daughters husbands) in the way you wish to be treated as the fathers of her Gc on Father’s Day? Did they attend her Father’s Day with your husband????

They are OUR nieces not just his. It’s aunt and uncle.

How close are you to your SILs? How deep and solid is the friendship between you?

I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. She isn't your mum. Simple as that. Really don't understand why you think you should have been invited.

You sound as if you are desperate for your MILs approval, is that the case? You're not her daughter, so im not sure why you would want to spend mothers day with her. Is there a reason you didn't see your own mum? I wonder if she felt out of the loop too? I would have spent the day with my own daughter and celebrated the day that way. I really dont understand your desperation to be included in your MILs group. And of course she celebrated father's day for your DH, that's her son. I think you need to have a closer look at yourself and why this has affected you so much.

no I think there's enough batshittery to go around all occasions!! 😂

This thread is batshit.

Is expecting a Mother's Day card from your MIL because your birthed their grandchild the standard now.

OP seriously, you sound like you're looking for a slight where none exists. She's not your mother, and it's not grandmothers days either.

Well I’m the other of his child so of course he spent it with the woman actively still parenting. You know his wife! And we saw his mother after we treated my mother to dinner with her favorite dessert and a nice gift.

I don't think in the circumstances I would have expected an invitation, OP. In the scheme of things mothers tend to be closer to their own daughters: that also goes for your own relationship with your mum as opposed to your MiL. But this is quite normal. Unless you've had other hints in the broader scheme of your relationship, it isn't necessarily a slight against you personally.

As to your post above, I'm also very anti Wife Work and agree that the relationship between your husband and his family of origin is on him to manage. In that respect YANBU, and in future you'd be better off priorising your relationship with your own mother as she deserves.

Whatever the 'natural' scheme of things, though, it always stings when we receive the message that someone values us less than we do them. I'm sorry you've been hurt by this.

You sound like hard work.