AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

I suppose you could argue that she has "birthed"more children than you. Horrible phrase anyway, not used in real life.

Back to your original question. There is no conversation to be had with your MIL by either you or your husband. Stop brooding over something utterly trivial.

She probably just assumed you and DH wanted to spend it together. Are her daughters single parents who she knew the ex's wouldn't bother their arse to do anything?

Kindly, I think you have some emotional issues here that you need to explore and resolve. What's behind this way of thinking?

Your reaction and expectations are not normal. Have you been excluded or ill treated in your opinion in the past in a way that has made you hyper sensitive to apparent slights?

Why do you need to push for a greater relatiinship with someone who is not your mother than your own mother?

I would not expect anything from my MIL on Mother’s Day, not a card nor her time, or indeed from anyone else except my kids.

my OH also doesn’t get anything from his mum or anyone else on Fathers Day - only from his DC.

It sounds like she treated them as daughter day and son day - she wanted to spend time with her own offspring to tell them what great parents she thinks they are. Try not to take it personally.

This all sounds back to front to me. Why would your MIL celebrate you on mother's day?? Is it some cultural thing?

Parents are celebrated by their kids where I'm from. Or by their spouses on behalf of their young kids.

What did your husband do for his mum? Was the get together instigated by his sisters and when they asked him he said he would be taking you for brunch?

I'd find it really odd if my mil has bought my husband a card for father's day, that's for his kids to do (or me to organise on behalf of the kids).

Mother’s Day is about appreciating the woman who gave birth to you, or the woman who raised you. It’s not about thanking your daughter-in-law for having your grandchild, that’s just bizarre.

Your mother-in-law’s daughters wanted to spend the day with their mother. How have you managed to make that all about you???

You could have spent the day taking your own mother out and showing gratitude to her. Or you could have spent it with your own child.

Turning the Mother’s Day celebrations that your sister-in-laws held for their mother into something about you is quite the accomplishment, OP.

I’m guessing if you had been invited, we’d have a post saying “can you believe my MIL expects me to spend the day celebrating her when I’m a mother too and have my own mother?”

You are, indeed, part of a family unit. But your MIL is still not your mum, has her own relationships with her daughters, and absolutely should not feel that she has to treat you and her DDs equally in every respect at all times. Mother's Day (the clue is in the name) being one of those times.

Massive drama llama over nothing. You’re not being othered, no one asked you “to push a grandchild out of your body”. You chose that.
MIL had Mother’s Day w her daughter, you chose not to be with yours. Get a grip! Feel less precious. Mother’s Day is not all about your butthurt feelings. And you went out w your kid & DH. Your emotions are of course yours & valid for you, but very over the top here!

Apparently over on a father's day thread it wouldn't be

I am so confused.

Are we talking about Mothers day in March?

(And whilst you're at it you may as well clarify about her spoiling your DH on 'fathers day a day ago' ??)

But it's NOT Grandaughters Day.

The poor woman should have heen
dpoilt in Mothers Day, not catering fir her daughters & their children, let alone you & yours.

your DH helped your DD celebrate mothers Day for you. You're being very OTT & weird about this.

What did you on behalf of DD for DH's Fathers Day??

there was no need for MIL to get involved with that, but harmless enough I suppose.

Fucking hell. WHAT ABOUT YOU????

I’m sorry, because I genuinely don’t get it and why you feel so aggrieved. I’m beginning to think this is made up it’s so bonkers.

What happened, why is it that you are so needy?
Maybe get your mother to celebrate you if you really feel the need to buy into the over commercialisation of a totally made up day.

Poor MIL.

How does your MIL treat her daughters husbands ie her SiLs on Father’s Day? Did they all attend with your husband seeing as they are the fathers of her Gc?

They asked him and said he will be spending mothers day with me since my daughter is too young to celebrate me but in the evening after we have dinner with my mother and treat her he will come around to his mother’s for dessert and with our gift to her

Your obsession with the fact you birthed (birthed I tell you!!) a grandchild is odd. You had a baby, your husband’s mother is still alive, ergo she’s your baby’s grandmother. It happens to millions of families the globe over, has done since forever, you are not some kind of special chosen one. Heck now I think about it I also made two women grandmothers, hark at me!

My understanding of mothers day in the UK is that one celebrates and treats their own mother.

It comes from a tradition where servants would get a day off to go and see their Mum

Your DC will do that and make you shit cards at school and buy crap presents to support the PTA. If DC are too young for this it is acceptable for DH to get stuff he pretends is from them.

You seem to have different views on this. You haven't done anything for your mother and seem salty that your SIL celebrated with her mother which you are interpreting as a slight on you.

Genuine question is your view that you should be celebrated for having a GC cultural? I find the card you say your Mum sent your DH telling him he is a great father really weird too.

Because SHE is HIS Mother. He should be celebrating her as well as helping your young DD celebrate you.

So much anger over a few hours out of one day.
Maybe this is part of the reason why you weren’t included. You sound petty and entitled.

You keep saying the same thing and ignoring what everyone is saying OP.

You are not her daughter, she isn't your mother, being married to her son still doesn't make her your mother.

She's also not your DD's mother, so no need to invite either of you.

The other grandkids went because they were with their mothers who in turn, were with their own mother.

Why are you choosing to be offended and "othered" when people have explained how it's not the norm to celebrate with in-laws.
Don't compare your life to friends or social media.
Nurture a seperate relationship as a DIL as you'll never be her DD.

You’ve posted about your relationship with your MIL multiple times and from multiple perspectives (MIL and DIL). What is your deal?!

YABU! Stop it!

So she spent mother's day with her own daughters and their children? Can't see an issue there tbh. Any reason you didn't spend it with your own mother?

This is an overreaction on your part in my opinion. I wouldn’t want to spent Mother’s Day with my mother in law and I wouldn’t be centering my MIL over my own mother, that says more about you than it does her. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Why didn’t you do something with her and your daughter? I always saw my mother on Mother’s Day before I had my daughters. You seem like you are itching to cause issues with your in-laws.

Were you and your child invited to the Father’s Day celebration with your DH? And, were the partners of her daughters? If yes you went and no the others weren’t invited then…. You haven’t been excluded.

She is celebrating Mother’s Day with her female children who are mothers. Sounds like she in turn spent fathers with her male children who are fathers. I don’t think this is a big deal?