Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

I agree. Stay out of it, not your business. If your mum is short of cash she would be even more so without your brother living there. If she is happy with him staying, don't worry about it. It's not that unusual and I doubt it will be forever.

Maybe she’s lonely now you and your partner are leading busy busy lives.

Obviously, there is a pattern in your family of adult males remaining in the family home and providing little or no contribution either to the family finances or doing practical things to help their parent(s). Your mum has experienced this with her own brother and so this arrangement with her son seems fairly normal to her.

As other posters have said, you can offer to look at her finances to see if she is claiming everything she is entitled to but as she sounds unwilling to address the actual issues of him not contributing financially or helping with household tasks, there is only so much help you can provide. You can't afford to subsidise her and you are scared of confronting your brother.

In posts on the Elderly Parents board, I have seen posters recommending speaking to Age Concern when the OP is concerned about their elderly parent(s) being the victim of financial or emotional abuse by one of their adult children. I know that your mum isn't particularly elderly but as she is over 60, they may be able to give you some advice.

I think it's a stretch to suggest he's controlling or manipulating her, unless you have real evidence of that. Aside from your mum's money struggles, nothing you've said indicates to me she's unhappy with the situation. Maybe your brother is a difficult person, maybe he is just a real oddball who finds it very difficult to cope with a lot of things in life and therefore both he and your mum have made the decision to live together. It provides company for both of them.

Your mum is an independent adult, she doesn't require care at this point and can certainly make her own decisions, financially and otherwise. Again, nothing to indicate that she hasn't done all this with both eyes open. You've both had the same inheritance money so that's entirely irrelevant - whether it sits in an account or he spends it on rubbish is absolutely none of your business, frankly.

You can of course offer financial advice or just change the subject if you prefer, but don't expect her to necessarily take the advice you give. The chances are she knows you are resentful and will be wary of your ulterior motive with this type of thing, no parent wants to feel they're being 'handled'. Let her make her own bad decisions (if she is); if that means she's a bit short of cash and can't do all the lovely mum and daughter activities you would like - that's life. Situations are rarely perfect.

Both my older siblings lived with my parents in their 20s and 30s, remaining single and also have chosen to be childfree. I feel my parents would have been ok had they not moved out (they did finally). My siblings visit my parents often enough that they may as well live there.

I moved out and married in my 20s and had a family. I am left out of many family discussions and decisions. After a bit of self-reflection, I found peace with it and am happy being on the outer. I tell myself that their relationship with each other is not my business. If and when they want to involve me, they have mouths and can ask. I have my own little family to worry about. My parents and siblings are the past and my little family is my current and future.

Presumably she would let you life there too if you needed too?
Either way it's none of your business who she chooses to live with. Why are you so bitter? You have a house and family, be grateful and stop causing drama.

What an odd thing to be annoyed about. It’s none of your business. Perhaps your mum and brother are both happy with this arrangement. Sure your mum would have you too if you want to move back home.

I think she's annoyed because her mum keeps complaining to her that she doesn't have any money. If her mum didn't raise this every time they meet, OP wouldn't be worried about her.

I think you concern is understandable and I have been in that position many times with my parents. I also worried about them not making good decisions and they worried I did not make good decisions. We were constantly telling each other what to do and how to live and saying 'no' to each other would generally lead to resentment and arguing. It was a toxic and enmeshed mess of a relationship.

Ultimately, you can't rescue anyone and you can't make decisions for them. They need to do that on their own. Bailing people out also doesn't make the situation any better as you have been able to see with regards to your brother's situation.

What you can do, however, is say no. You don't have to listen about her money problems on repeat. You can refer her to your brother or suggest she hires a financial adviser and then change the conversation. If she needs help budgeting, you can offer to have a look, if that's what you want to do, and give advise, but that is where it ends. You can't live her life for her.

You can also say 'no' to many other things. You can say no to bailing her out and taking on her care and you can say no to shopping for others. You can also leave a situation that becomes intolerable. It's all up to you. You are only responsible for your own stuff and right now that is the life you have with your husband.

Stand on your own two feet now, as you’ve had help already with an inheritance.

Who your mum has living with her is her business 🤷‍♀️

It's not that unusual for one adult child to remain at home, especially nd. Your mum is probably very worried about what will happen to your brother after she dies. Clearly you are not going to step in as care giver. Don't talk about money with her - we can't take it with us, but do ask about this, she will probably open up more.

Are you upset because you feel your brother is getting more than his fair share of financial support from his mum than you are? You both got the same inheritance but your brother didn't use his to buy a house and now he is living largely off your mum's financial support while you are standing on your own two feet.

Possibly! I guess it just brings up a lot of worry and anxiety for the future with all the potential implications. And yes, maybe I do long for that. I never got as much support as him. It was always expected that I get on with it and I’ve developed quite a bit of perfectionism as a result as I feel I always have to be the super functioning adult without any problems

I do think maybe on reflection I’ve posted in the wrong section - should’ve posted on relationships section

None of your business really is it. More and more people in their 30s are either still at home or have returned.

Is your Mum happy to have him living there with her, she may like the company and a bit of help with practical things around the house, or she may just not have the courage to ask him to move out..

We had a similar situation with my brother, he asked to move in with my dad for a few months temporarily when his marriage broke up, he never moved out. My dad was living quite happily on his own, he would regularly ask me if my brother was ever going to move out, in hindsight I think my dad wanted me to intervene, but I didn't and I regret not doing it.

My brother paid for nothing. I had bought the house for my dad so he had no mortgage, he was on a tiny pension, so I covered everything to do with the house, council tax, insurance, repairs, upgrades, etc. My brother lived there for almost 20 years until my dad died and never paid for anything or helped out around the house. . He did help out somewhat with my dad's care in his final years, but he really resented it and tried to convince us to put dad in a care home which he did not want. Said he couldn't cope with my dads illness, so we said, okay just move out as we intend to keep dad at home, as per his wishes.. But of course he never did move out. We hired full time carers for my dad at huge cost, even when my dad was bed bound, we had private carers come in so my brother didn't have to deal. He would be upstairs in his room on the weekend, and we had expensive carers sitting in the room with my dad because my brother didn't want to deal.

When my dad died, my brother expected to remain in the house, I offered to sell it to him at a cut price but he 'didn't want to buy it' just live there, i.e. I would continue to cover all costs associated with the house, he never even suggested paying a rent, he just wanted the status quo he had of no living expenses like when he lived off my dad. . I did sell the house and shared the proceeds of it equally with him and my other siblings, the same as if it was an inheritance from my dad's house.

My brother has never spoken to me or my other siblings since (who had nothing to do with the selling of the house) He and his daughter have badmouthed me to every relative under the sun, that I 'kicked him out' after 'all he did for our dad for 20 years'. Which is absolutely laughable, No one knows he lived off my poor dad for 20 years, he never even took my dad out for lunch once during the 20 years (17 of which my dad was in perfect health). My brother has a very well paid job, probably earning 10x my dad's small pension, and yet he still expected to live off my dad.

Sorry for the stream, your post just reawakened all those memories for me from 2 years ago.

So you would rather your mother live alone? Will your mum be likely helping with childcare in the future?

Sorry you’ve been getting such unhelpful replies, simply accusing you of jealousy. It sounds to me like your brother is exploiting your mother, rather than them having a mutually beneficial relationship.

We have similar in our family in that our younger sister is still living with our mum, she’s 25 and has never worked. Our mother is leaving the house to younger sister in her will because from her perspective it’s her house as she lives there, whereas myself and older sister have moved out. We weren’t given the option to stay, we were very much pushed out as young adults.

She is treating younger sister like a child, cooking and cleaning for her, taking her to the cinema at the weekends and so on. It feels really unfair that little sister is essentially gifted a free house for life, whilst we are saddled with mortgages having received no financial help at all. Little sister likely has autism but so do the rest of us in our family. My older sister has been diagnosed and I am on a waiting list. We were never given the option to avoid the world in this way.

The very irritating thing is that my mother would lean on me to help her out, for example driving her places, household maintenance, when I was younger I did lots of caring for younger sister. I know how incredibly resentful I will feel when I am inevitably caring for my mother as she gets older as she will naturally lean towards me for that rather than younger sister. I am heading that off at the pass by going low contact with them both now.

In your case I think you should start speaking more plainly to your mother. You don’t need to tell her what to do, but I can’t see an issue with asking the questions - how much is left on your mortgage? how much rent is brother paying you? Do you think that’s fair? Do you want him to live with you forever or do you expect him to move out? If the latter, have you told him this? Etc.

Gosh, that’s a lot. I’m sorry for your experience. Just out of interest tho - seeing as tho you were paying for all the house costs, did it never cross your mind to enforce your brother covering some of the cost of that? That would’ve been an expectation I would set if I was paying for it all…

Your mum is an adult with agency to make her decisions, it isn’t your role to advocate for her unless she wants you to. It’s also your mum’s choice, not your brother’s behaviour, that’s impacting your relationship.

My mum and brother have a similar relationship and I used to feel frustrated and want to intervene too. I came to realise relationships are a two way dynamic and, whilst my brother’s behaviour seems bad, my mum enables him. It’s not my problem to fix and it isn’t yours to fix either.

YABVU. And I find it bonkers that you're jealous and bitter. Why on earth would you be jealous of ANYone living with their mum at 36? I couldn't think of anything worse. Once I left home (at 20,) I never went back. And my DC left for uni at 18 and never came back. Most adults have no desire to live with their parents! Get a grip @RowsOfFlowers

Fantastic questions to raise, I just need to pluck up the courage now. In the past, she’s been cagey with her replies. I’ve felt awkward asking as feeling though it’s not my place. I guess that’s what I’m confused by and why I’m posting in AIBU. How much of this is my responsibility on behalf of my mum who could possibly be taken for a ride.

Your perspective on “wasn’t given an opportunity to escape life” resonates me. Not that that is actually what I want, and what some posters are suggesting, implying jealousy. I guess it’s a matter of fairness - in that, I’d expect it to be somewhat equal treatment and parenting. What has occurred to me in recent years is that we’ve been parented so differently, but no official diagnosis of ND. So I’m expected to just get on with it and be okay, and it’s not spoken about. I’m not sure who wouldn’t have similar feelings to me in these circumstances. Dismissing it as jealously seems very reductionist, and not overly helpful to me.

sorry for your experience btw. I feel in a very similar boat. Def feel my brother is being shielded from life and to his detriment and also to my mum’s as she refuses to face it head on and just accept this.

Hey OP I hear you. I too have a brother in his late 40s who is a leech. He lives with our mum in and it irritates me beyond belief except for the fact She is as bad as him. He is company for her and she has regressed to thinking about my brother as a 5 yr old.The whole dynamic of the relationship is so warped in my view. He is her little soldier, can do no wrong and must be protected through life, even to the point where it was suggested when she dies I step in to "see to him"as he isnt as strong as me. Not a bloody chance!. She cooks,cleans.does his laundry,and finances him totally.He needs new glasses,yep she buys then any he wants not just a standard pair,he wants a new car yep she does that,he wants designer jeans yep no problem, dental treatment,petrol,car insurance yep paid by her no questions asked. And what does he do? Well works full time and seems to be flying through life without a car on her coat tails and bank balance. She gets up on a morning having been retired for 5 years to wake him up for work,he doesn't even have to set an alarm clock,she does this to do his pack up for work..I know its unbelievable. He pays not one household bill and shes happy, cos he is company for her. It is sick. On reflection she is as bad as him if not worse because she says he makes her feel useful and keeps her going ..she is 78. I know mums are mums for ever and to step in when life goes wrong to help is a wonderful thing but thats not the case here at all. He takes She gives each with their own agenda. She stays up late too to empty his work bag of any excess food he has left to keep it nice for him and easier to refill in the morning. I am not kidding this is all true. He then has the temerrity to suggest She has held him back in life ..ffs you just could not make it up. I have my own home 2 kids husband and life and get no credit at all. So I understand your points. I leave them too it ,do not listen to their drama and get on with my life with the least visiting possible. She ,my mum even tried to it on with my 13 yr old dd to make my brother a cup of coffee as he was tired and we have to look after men...oh no not happening. She thinks women are subservient to men and they should be looked after and taken care of. I have another view. To me it is sick it really is vomit inducing how they both carry on and the thousands of pounds he has had of her year in year out which she hands over at every turn to him based on this weeks wants quite gladly. He can do no wrong and if anything happens like loosing his job or spending his wages hes a poor little bugger of whom everything wrong always happens to and she just picks him up financially until he is ready to start again. Sorry for my long rant but your not on your own..disengage is my advice ,concentrate on your own family your family and sail your own ship its the only way to keep sane. Both mum and Brother have lost so much with me over the years because of this weird and frankly immeshed toxic relationship that seems to serve both of them well. Wonder what will happen when dies either way its not going to be issue!

Oh I feel so much better after your illuminating reply @BatchCookBabe Thanks so much for the inspirational and truly compassionate post 👍

In fact, you sound ignorant to the fact, and evidenced by this thread, that in actual fact, many many people do live with their parents with no desire to move out, often at detriment to their parents.