Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

Exactly this

Yeah, she gave it to us. First she gave some share to me so that I could move house. My brother complained and he got it too and now it’s just sitting in a bank account. My mum kept some too. It wasn’t A LOT of money. They had equity in their 4 bedroom house but my mum couldn’t keep up with the repayments left on the mortgage. So she sold it and bought a 3 bed but still has a small mortgage to pay. That’s why im
unsure why she’s struggling so much. The mortgage should be pretty low. But my DH says because of her age and short term it might be high. I ALWAYS suggested to my mum that she downsize to a property that would allow her to be mortgage free but she insisted on quite a nice 3 bedroom house. But it was her decision. My only thoughts now are that my brother is contributing a minuscule amount and taking financial advantage of her I guess.

I think you need to give your mum her money back you took advantage of her when she was vulnerable

@feelingbleh never did I start off by saying I’m jealous - resentful yes, but this is a different emotion to jealousy. I haven’t changed my story, I’ve simply added more context to it. I apologise if it wasn’t clear from my first post, but I feel it’s a bit of a complex one that requires quite a lot of additional commenting and it’s unravelled further by people asking further questions.

Nothing to do with you

No, I did not. My mum offered that money to me to help me out - her daughter. If anyone has taken advantage, I do feel it to be my brother, who may continue to be exploiting her by living with her and causing her to struggle.

At this point @feelingbleh I feel you are just trolling me?

I still think you don't have any right to be concerned. You happily took money that could have seen your mum mortgage free. You could have refused the offer and left her in a better financial situation, you are young, you have plenty time to save. You're no better than your brother In that respect.

Your mum makes poor financial decisions that don’t put her own needs first.

And your parents should have taken steps to protect the mortgage so it was paid off if one of them died.

i’d try and get her some decent financial advice, and maybe consider paying your share of the inheritance back. It’s very unusual for there to get an inheritance after the death of the first parent.

The money that she gave me helped me move house, it was not a deposit. It would not have allowed her to have been mortgage free. Are people thinking we were minted? We are talking very little amount not hundreds of thousands.

Plenty of patents gift their children money to go towards house purchases in this day and age. The difference between myself and my brother is I have put it to some use in that I am married, living independently, when he is sitting on it while living with her while she is struggling! Quite different!

What you mean like how she offered to help your brother out - her son

I think some posters are looking at this from having seen/experienced control/manipulation from a sibling living with parents and are therefore more sceptical than others that this is a beneficial position for OP’s mum.

It looks like she is struggling financially, works, looks after the house with no help from DB, has to look after him, doesn’t really benefit socially having him live there and has to care for grandad. Not sure she is getting a good deal, and it isn’t the rosy picture of DB being there to keep her company and care for her that some posters are envisioning

Yes, but by gifting you the money she then had to gift the same to your brother whilst all of that money could have been used to reduce her mortgage payments giving her a better standard of living. I mean as pp said, your mum has made bad financial decisions but you took the cash quick enough.

I get where you’re coming from. My uncle is in his 50s, has a low paid job and lived with my grandma. He doesn’t pay a penny towards rent or bills. My grandma is starting to need bits of care like help with cleaning and being driven to doctors apts, she had surgery recently. But both my mum and auntie go round to help with that whilst my uncle does nothing. Grandma seems happy with him being there and likes his company but there’s something a little irritating about the whole thing!

Btw, he did temporarily live with my grandad, and even my grandad is concerned by his behaviour. It all gets brushed under the carpet and just generally accepted though.
I am shocked that she hasn’t tried to do more about it. When I was younger, my mum used to tell me she felt resentful of her brother having always lived at home and never moved out. He’s in his late 50s now and still lives with parents. I think it’s become normalised in our family maybe.

Interesting that history seems to be repeating itself. It’s pretty clear that while the sibling that stays home might pay in some ways, they probably do benefit financially and from not having to ‘face up’ to life.

it’s really hard if no one will talk openly about it and the reasons behind it. If you really can’t get your mum to talk honestly about this, and take action of some sort then you have to decide where your own boundaries are. So if you eventually have enough of your mum complaining to you but doing nothing, you can tell her you don’t want to talk about it. Not advising this, it’s just an example of a boundary.

Thank you @crumblingschools
It’s a complex pic. I am trying to balance accepting my mum as an autonomous adult who is capable of making her own decision - but it’s difficult as her concerned daughter also, and I feel it’s impacting our relationship.

I think you need to talk to your mum the next time she says she’s short of money.
As others have said offer to go through finances etc with her and create a spreadsheet of all incomings and outgoings etc maybe even listing things bought especially for your brother.
this will help her see what she needs to address and plain facts may help her discuss things with your brother.
this should help you understand her commitments and your brother’s contribution and may show up some unnecessary expenses your mum can change.

as you’ve said you ( and possibly mum ) can’t discuss things with your brother it sounds like there maybe be little you can change in the current situation but you can also start the conversations about what mum sees for the future for her son in terms of care for him etc
Also discuss you getting power of attorney for mum now for health and finance as this could be important further down the road, particularly now that she’s widowed, and check that mum has made an up to date will.

Yeah, that’s a good idea. So do I just ignore it then? It makes me feel like I’m repeating the history of the family, and engaging in the enabling 😕 I don’t know what the right thing to do is. When she visits, she seems happy enough, but I wonder if she herself is just … putting on a face. Oh well, I guess, I can only do what I can do.

Thank you @Timetochillnow I appreciate it.
I will gently raise it next time she brings up money.

That same thing is happening with Grandad. My mum had to drive him across the country for operation recently - very serious op. My uncle barely does much around the house, and when I’d visited, they’d run out of basic items. I did a Morrisons shop for him.

It sounds like your mum is terrible with money. Maybe your Dad took care of it all. If she’s gifted you and your brother with an inheritance that she couldn't afford to hand over, and you spent yours not realising that it was perhaps leaving her short, and then she made the decision to buy a larger house in her 60’s with a mortgage in order to help your brother. Both laudable choices but ones that she obviously couldn’t afford to make. And now she’s realised it’s left her poor. And maybe part of that is your brother not paying a fair contribution towards living with her.

Now those choices have been made I think all you can do is as other PPs have suggested and offer to go through her finances and see if there is anything you can suggest to help her.

Yeah, I agreee. You’re right, my dad took care of all the finances, and he certainly wouldn’t have made same decisions. I didn’t realise when she gifted me the money. Also her communication is somewhat not the best… I get bits and pieces of info but not full picture myself.

Inevitably it would put a wall between you and your mum. That’s the cost of having boundaries, it inevitably distances you somewhat. But boundaries are to protect you - not to force change on other people. You can’t make your mum react differently to your brother and his situation, you can only tell her your side and - if necessary to protect your own well-being - withdraw from the situation.

The only chance you have to change the pattern is, if one of your children shows any sign of being ND or needing help in school etc, is to deal with it openly and determinedly and get them the help they need. You do it differently rather than following the pattern.

What does it matter to you what they do?

My Db has schizophrenia and can be a bit of a twat at times. Sometimes he will turn up at DMs and help himself to food and ponce cigarettes. He also used to constantly borrow money. She can get annoyed and has moaned to me sometimes.

I've just replied that she needs to lay down boundaries and stop lending him money. I also model this behaviour. When she goes on moaning about him I just say I am not listening to this negativity. She generally stops and changes the subject. Maybe this is too blunt but I'm 45 and I just can't be arsed to have my head filled with moaning.

I do feel that it's not my problem, both my parents will try and put it on me, but his life is not my responsibility. I did help quite a lot before he turned 40 in working with the state on his behalf as I always felt that was the window of intervention. I've noticed he has also matured more recently (he is 48). DM has also got better at teaching him more independence skills like cleaning. Slightly different as DB has lived independently since he was 24.

In regards to finances, if your DM did sell the house and he couldn't live in it, can you be sure he wouldn't be a financial drain on her - if he can't cope independently? By having the house, it protects cash if she needed to pay for care in older age. I agree having a chat about wills and the future might help - it sounds like your DB will never live independently and she has to do what she thinks is best.

Im confused as to what is unfair. Do you also want to live with your mother but feel you can’t if your brother is there?

Seems to me that he is doing something you don’t want or need as you have your own family and house now.

Perhaps what you are really longing for is to be your mums little girl again and to be looked after. That’s fine - we all long for that especially when adulting is hard.

perhaps you imagine that this is what your brother has by virtue of living with her, and you are envious and jealous of it.