Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

@Fitasafiddle1
It’s a common theme across many schools at the moment in most areas. Are you not aware of the current teacher recruitment and retention crisis? No I don’t think much of parents who think it’s everyone’s else’s job to parent/put up with the poor behaviour of their offspring. I won’t make any apologies for that!

@IDroppedRocky
As others have said, it isn’t remotely authoritative and the only people who claim it is are the people who use it. It’s concerning that you can’t see that!

Oh dear. And you call yourself a teacher 😆

@Fitasafiddle1
😂😂😂

Hi, all. We've had a few reports about the amount of posts on here which break our Talk Guidelines so are dropping in with a reminder to please keep on topic and avoid making personal attacks.

I think firm but fair with no description is the way to go!

You won’t go far wrong op. Be unconditional in your love for them. They will come up against enough adversity and nasty people in their young lives, giving them a foundation of love, acceptance and boundaries is the best possible start.

Don’t agree with your views of 80’s parenting.
Everything is different these days so you can’t judge. I think we’re questioning ourselves enough about how we parented,
it’s different times however we didn’t shout or hit out kids either.
It’s like comments about mealtimes and food the variety is very different these days.
We had strict rules with TV and video games it’s not the same these days.
There are also more autistic children and we have a better understanding of anxieties in children so I don’t judge parents these days but I don’t look back and think we got it wrong.
We have three adult children who are now parents and all parent different.
None of them are getting it wrong.

I've found Laura Markham's work really helpful on resolving sibling conflicts: https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby

@Foostit

I wanted to let you know how impressed I was with X’s recent homework in History. It was so precise historically, believable but also empathetic that I read it out to the whole class. X has clearly demonstrated a great capacity to not only absorb what we have been learning but also apply this in her words. Outstanding!

X has been an extremely supportive and kind friend to this student and I know how grateful they are to have her.

Just two excerpts from emails from DD’s teacher. Soooo feral! 🙄

I haven't had any nursery worker or teacher "have a word" at the gates or call me about his behaviour or anything along those lines since he was just turned 2 years old. He's 5.5 now.

I think something that isn't talked about when discussing this is how the parents who only pick the "fluffy" bits were parented themselves. You see it all the time on here - "my parents always shouted/hit/put me down and I still struggle with it.... I gravitated towards "gentle parenting" because I want to break the cycle"

They have the best intentions, but they've never been taught/shown how to do boundaries or consequences without the shouting/hitting/talking to like crap. So they flounder and it veers into letting the kids run rings around them whilst desperately reciting "kind hands" or "I can see you're angry, what can we do about that?" Then they eventually lose their shite, feel awfully guilty and the cycle goes on, just in a different way.

My parents used most of the gentle parenting bits like respect, understanding, clear expectations, consequences without hitting and screaming and I'm 37. I parent my son the same way, but I had a good foundation of good, loving parents and no massive issues to work through to start with.

I think one of the problems is that if you have more than one child you just can’t spend the time explaining and discussing when the baby is screaming and the toddler is emptying the china cupboard. Sometimes it’s a quick no for everyone’s safety and often children can’t remember if you talk about it later.

Thanks for this, have just read it. My son is 3 like Henry but much more emotionally immature, he could never reason it all out like that. All he ever says as to why he hits her is “I don’t know.” And I don’t think he remembers a time when she wasn’t here, he was only 21 months when she was born and that was a year and a half ago now! Perhaps this method would work with an older child?

My son does want immediate reassurance from me, in the form of cuddles. But I find it very hard to give it in that moment. Perhaps instead of putting him in his room, I’ll try me and the baby going away to my room to give myself 30 seconds to calm down.

I try all the kind hands, people are not for pushing, ask me for help instead of hitting, he can recite it back to me word perfect. But nothing changes 😞

Three is a really hard age @Moriquendi . Four is a lot nicer! We still have moments but they are moments, for the most part I can talk to DS and we can understand one another (though not always agree!)

I think it's the underlying principles about what motivates the hitting and how to work with them so they feel better in the longer term that I found most helpful so if the script won't work yet maybe this article would also be useful https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/parenting-siblings-why-kids-hit-younger-siblings-and-how-to-help-them-stop

Worked beautifully for us. I have three well rounded, respectful kids who I get so many compliments about. They have boundaries, manners and feel respected so they give respect in return.

Yes. I think op means 'permissive parenting'

Gentle parenting is about how kind and emotionally validating you are WHILE setting boundaries ie part of authoritative parenting

Please can you give examples of what you've seen said or done and ages kf kids?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I see fairly detailed explanations as to why a dc should not do something and parents expecting a level of empathy the dc is not mature enough to deliver or understand. It’s like an adult talking to another adult. It sounds way to complex and using words dc don’t understand. Asking about feelings is often too much as well. Dc cannot articulate them. Being clear about not doing something is fine. Muddling it with feelings is a step too far for many dc until they are much more mature and understand language enough to express themselves. Teenagers often need such empathy but 2 year olds? Too young.