Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

I don’t understand the banging on the wall part of your post, but what’s actually wrong with the feelings part? If you don’t want to do it with your own child, then of course that’s fine. It’s not something I personally do or put that much thought into, but it does make sense so if others are doing it with their kids, what’s actually wrong with that?

What discussion? "Stop that right now. The dog doesn't understand you're only pretending and it might hurt you." while picking your child up and removing them from harm's way isn't a discussion. I don't think you understand gentle parenting/parenting/whatever you want to call it. Not everything is a negotiation. Boundaries are fixed, firm and fair. But just staying "Stop" doesn't help the child keep themselves safe/avoid breaking something/whatever next time. And yes, you might have to repeat it a few times on a few occasions. That doesn't mean the parenting isn't working. It means the not-mini-adult is taking time to learn.

But they will learn more from being given age-appropriate information in the moment, than you picking up the conversation later when the child has moved on.

The trouble is that you know what it is, how it works and clearly are doing it right.

The majority of parents I see do not set boundaries, if they do they immediately flex them to avoid confrontation and seem to.explain every decision as "you are hurting mummies feelings when you do that". A 3 doesn't understand that mummy has feelings. They understand your approach because you have given them a firm outcome of that behaviour.

I've been across early years and ks1 for coming up 20 years and I disagree. The parents that come across as actual gentle parenting types are the parents of the kinder and more empathetic children in the class.
There just isn't poor behaviour to punish, unless you count a bit of talking on the carpet (and they only need to be reminded once that it's time to settle down). If they make a mistake, they're upset about it, but not throwing a wobbly. They don't need to be punished because they're already sorry and it wasn't intentional.

@AuntMarch These are dc who would have self regulated anyway. They would be the less active ones and probably intelligent. Does it work with the ADHD dc? Or the super active dc who need to run around a lot? Probably not. Some dc don’t have empathy and don’t have the cognitive ability to respond positively to gentle parenting. Mostly the gentle parents have produced gentle children. Not surprising really as dc carry the genes of the parents! Nature vs nurture etc….

Our son has ADHD, attachment disorder, is behind emotionally, currently being investigated for FASD, he is also very active and if he got his own way wouldn’t spend a second sat down! We’ve used gentle parenting from day one, its very rare we have to punish as he very rarely misbehaves, at school he behaves really well and he does if he goes to friends houses for playdates etc.

@Simonjt So he’s self regulating then! How does he sit down at school for lessons? He’s obviously not typical. He cannot have very obvious Sen if he’s so disciplined.

What do you suggest would work better? I find calm, clear boundaries work well with my DC with Autism and ADHD.

I don’t believe all dc are capable of self regulation. If they were there would be no special schools for behavioural issues. It’s also not true to assert their issues are down to non gentle parenting.

No: I don’t believe all dc are going to respond to clear boundaries because they don’t all have that level of cognitive ability. Eg at 2 or 3, are they really settled behaviourly? Something must have told you they had Sen? It wasn’t perfect behaviour I would imagine. You have gone on to parent a child as I would, (did!) except we didn’t have a label for it. All dc benefit from clear boundaries but many dc cannot express their feelings and many have speech delay. I’ve seen the occasional child with little empathy for others, and no amount of gentle guiding and empathy makes much difference for more than 5 minutes. Maybe you haven’t encountered this type of child?

Of course there are some children with SEND needs, I was disputing a PP who claimed gentle parented children are brats/rude/difficult, whereas I find exactly the opposite. The "naughty" children are far more often the ones that get shouted at in the playground OR are just left to do whatever they want and anybody who challenges that gets shouted at instead.

The children you describe wouldn't be more able to do those things with other parenting methods either? I'd still argue that they do better with (true) gentle parenting than punishments etc, it just needs to be leveled right for them, the same as it does across different ages/stages for anyone else.
Anecdotally those SEN children that struggle the most are the ones who do in fact get shouted at and punished- for the behaviours they can't help! So yes, maybe the gentle parents do produce gentler children (part of the point, isn't it?), I don't think those children would stay gentle had they been swapped at birth!

I have ADHD and I'm pretty sure my son does too. Gentle parenting still works for him.

Self regulating isn't something any small children can do. Children learn to regulate their emotions over time through co-regulation with an emotionally safe and reliable caregiver. When my son has a big, overblown reaction to something, he doesn't learn to self-regulate by me shouting at him or telling him he's being ridiculous. He learns over time by me consistently responding calmly and empathetically, validating his feelings, and teaching him alternate ways of expressing them. Children (and adults) with ADHD can be especially sensitive to perceived or real criticism as it can trigger rejection sensitive dysphoria, so it's especially important for these kids that they aren't dismissed or punished when they're having a hard time regulating their emotions.

Don't understand your point about running around either. That's something all children need, and they should be given ample opportunity to do so. Children who are running around in situations where it's not appropriate to do so shouldn't be punished. They should be stopped from running there and then in a kind, firm manner and then given plenty of alternate opportunities to run around safely.

@Hoooray Of course some dc can self regulate well and respond to gentle parenting. Often very mature, intelligent empathetic ones. I most certainly don’t believe in shouting at dc but sometimes it is necessary to punish in a way they understand, but as a final straw. If dc throw tits, they lose the toy. I would not keep having chats about their feelings that led to the toy being thrown.

Chats validating their emotions goes over the head of some dc who cannot describe their emotions. Maybe pps have not met this type of child but there’s quite a few around whose language is very limited and it’s absolutely not true to think that (for example) dc permanently excluded from primary school are dc who are shouted at and punished. That’s total rot.